Arx, After the Reckoning

Returning to the House this week just to discover a mountain of responsibilities which I needed to handle. I wonder how Richard was managing this without me. I suppose he's getting along just fine with the ladies these days. The other tasks he has at hand may require someone of my skills, but I hope the possibilities to come won't make more trouble for me than they are worth.

It is beautiful to see families growing and flourishing in Arx.

And now, the Lady Zoe and Lord Ian of Kennex have welcomed a little girl into the world. How wonderful that must be.

I must admit in seeing such love and pride in other's eyes makes me wish for such blessings myself some days. But how odd that would be.

I am happy for those that have had such good fortune and send them wishes for much light, luck and love with hopes for a beautiful and fulsome life.

~~~~~~<~<@

The dreams continue, but there's new clarity to them. Should I be worried? Should I be overjoyed? It's like Winter has ended and my head fills with all the possibilities of Spring.

I hope to see what thaws out! Perhaps, as Master Preston leads me towards a second project, I will find the answers far abroad. Perhaps the answers lay within the city.

I didn't know Lord Richard was a gardener!

I wasn't aware he engaged in such...

...Landscaping.

Another evening spent in the Shrine of Tehom, another lesson learned. A man came in seeking assistance, and so I acted as his reflection, helping him to meditate on his passions so that he could gain clarity on how they might be getting in his way. What I was not expecting was just how closely his situation might mirror my own, how guiding him toward that clarity could bring it to me as well, how it might help me to see how I might be getting in my own way. I cannot, of course, go into detail about the matters discussed with him, but I am grateful for the opportunity that presented itself this evening.

When I joined her at the cottage, I did not know exactly the depths of her wisdom, nor did I know the shape of her smile.

The way her eyes shone as she told me my dreams weren't silly was something I've since failed to capture on paper. Is it my skill?

Or is it her eyes?

Allowing a little sunlight into a dark space, even for a few hours, makes the gloom recede considerably, even when plunged in shadow again.

Richard's garden plot seems to be coming into its own rather well now, his unsteady start aside. It's pleasing in a way to see it flourish -- and it reminds me how much simply joy can be taken in the act of teaching others and imparting a piece of your experience to them.

In a way, I suppose, it is a rather selfish sense of satisfaction, in seeing another grow because of your efforts. But then most can be spun that way, can they not? If this is a selfish feeling, then I find myself content with that fact.

Sometimes it is more than fine, to be selfish. It is a fact I wish others would embrace more readily. But perhaps I have a tendency to worry and meddle, overmuch.

Perhaps I ought to check on the garden again...

Last night I dreamed of Angus.

He came home -- bold, brash and larger than life -- with that roguish smile that always seemed to banish my ire and sorrows away despite my best effort.

He wasted no time to come to me. His strong arms sweeping me up to spin me around and kiss me deep. The warmth of him so present. His powerful frame to mine as he gathered me close. His clean, warm, welcoming scent. That brush of his beard against my skin. Gods, how I had missed him. How I had missed this.

I melted in that moment, lost in that beautiful warmth. My home away from home. My love. My life.

I asked him where he had been. He smiled down at me with that sparkle in his beautiful eyes; a large, strong calloused hand lifting to tenderly cup my face.

"I never left, my heart," he informed me with a smile, his calm, deep voice a comforting rumble in my ears as he leaned down to kiss me again, full and deep.

I smiled at that and lowered my eyes, and then looked up at him once more to smile upon his handsome face. But when my eyes lifted he was gone and to my surprise another had taken his place. The world swam and I opened my mouth to speak, but then he was gone, too, and I once more stood alone.

I woke soon after. My heart racing and aching.

I miss you, my beloved. My heart. My life.

I miss what was, and what might have been a beautiful life.

~~~~~<~<@

I can assure this Rivenshari merchant that House Pravus has no interest in those who believe that coin buys them exception to the rules that bring order to this world, neither are we in any need of charity.

For the curious eyes who may come across this journal. I am overseeing the development of a new port in the Saffron Chain, the first of its kind in this unfortunately underdeveloped part of the world and I invite those with ambition and vision to reserve their place in what I'm sure will become an extraordinarily busy dock.

Some short-sighted people appear to have confused this for a fund-raiser and I want to be absolutely clear it is not, the insinuation is frankly insulting. The fact of the matter is that as our influence over the Saffron Chain expands, trade with the isles will massively increase and I want to ensure we develop a relationship with the right kind of merchants to handle the task at hand. If that sounds like you curious reader, do send a messenger my way.

Summer is truly here, as the Compact bestirs itself and stories spread of projects - both grand and subtle - getting underway. Certainly, it seems to be a season for change within the kingdom. I earnestly hope and pray that the outcomes are beneficial for us all.

I was hoping to be one of the lucky few that managed to find themselves in possession of a new kitten from the litter Duke Bisland's cat had. Sadly, I was not one of those selected.

A personal shame. I have missed having a cat since my younger years. In another lifetime, I remember having a orange, black and white spotted cat who my father had gifted to me as a girl. She was, I hate to admit, my squire during the days where I play imaginary stories of being Gloria's personal knight. Dame Erika Sixtoes of the Order of Sharpclaw. Or just Erry as I would call her as we were personal friends. When I was home, Erry would usually be by my side, for better or for worse. Excellent mouser, she gave no quarter in battle.

Sixteen years she and I shared. Sixteen happy years, when my duties started to take my away from home, I would make sure to find time, even if simply scripture in my room. Until one day, after a few years of her slowing down, mousing less and sleeping more, she simply...never woke up. I still miss her. While I don't believe I would ever try to replace her, as she could never be replaced, I don't hide my fondness for cats. It would be nice to have another one.

The kittens have all found homes, except Tinsel. But Tinsel has a very specific home to go to, and he'll find his way there soon. Or hers, I haven't checked quite yet. The kitten is finicky about people looking at them there.

Beau went to Lady Tesha Telmar
Stompy went to Princess Gwenna Redrain, with a fine mix of ill and good wishes
Violet went to Merek
Domino went to Lady Brianna Halfshav

I write of cows. Pridehall's cows. Highland steers and bovines of great tenderness in both demeanor and meat. You should consider them for your future livestock needs. Their hide tans well and takes to color even better. We have a small herd at the manor now, to tend to our overgrown grasses without forcing our gardener to scythe or anything. Feel free to come and see them.

My heart beats with excitement that is hard to contain! I have been invited to go north once more.

I am elated. Touched by such kindness. Overwhelmed with anticipation of such a thing. My heart often drifts there. I cannot wait to see it again. The people the land. So unlike anywhere else. I love it!

Thank you so much to the very kind and charming Missere Jules and Lady Mikani for inviting me.

You are right. I should try to leave my Hart more often to seek out more delights. I hope we depart soon.

~~~~<~<@

There's a desk in my study that wasn't there before I left. There's also a very large goat sculpture in my bedchamber. That also wasn't there before I left. No one seems to know where they came from. Some practical joker, no doubt. But which one?

More than ever, one should exercise constant vigilance. I will get to the bottom of this.

First and foremost, the Knights of Solace have the gratitude of myself and House Deepwood. For their service to the gods and the people whom they guide and serve, we intend to make a donation to both the Knights of Solace and the Faith of the Pantheon. The work they do is of vital importance, shepherding the devout along the paths of pilgrimage. The Compact and the people of it are truly blessed to have these dedicated protectors.

Eight months ago I left Arx to seek the gods, to walk among those others who wished to offer prayer and oblation to them, and to show my eldest child the path one must walk to honor the gods. It is among the Knights of Solace and other travelers that we traveled, along with our own small retinue. We set our sights west and began the long journey from Arx to Sanctum. It was made longer still by our desire to deviate from the direct path to visit places that were out of the way; which thankfully we were able to shift ourselves from one group of Knights of Solace to another some of those times. In others, it was simply our small retinue venturing away from the greater whole and setting off.

On the road one can encounter any number of people. Sometimes you encounter an old friend traveling in the opposite direction. Sometimes that individual is someone whom you’ve often turned to in the past for faithful pursues and guidance. When one leaves Arx to go on a pilgrimage traveling west, only to encounter the Legate of Concepts traveling east on her return to Arx during her own massive pilgrimage? It’s a sign. When that person is someone whom you once joined with in morning prayer, every morning? It’s a sign. When your path crosses with that person and you’re given the opportunity to once again give praise to the Pantheon alongside them? It’s a sign. That is exactly what happened with myself and our encountering Legate Ailith in her pilgrimage. It was a welcome surprise and one that I think ultimately blessed our journey westward. Our journey to Sanctum had only just begun and already it had been bolstered by an encounter with one so tried and true as the Legate Ailith.

With our intention being to honor the gods, it was also to show the heir created of my wife and I what the Compact looked like beyond Old Oak, Arx, and everything in between. Early on in the marriage of myself and Samantha, we had agreed that any children that we had would be well acquainted with their father’s origins. It would not be a Crownlands upbringing alone that they would experience and enjoy, but one also flavored by the Oathlands. Since before my daughter arrived, there has been the understanding that she would see Lyon’s Redoubt as early as possible. To know where I, her father, was born and raised. We can now say that resolution has been concluded. Thanks to my sister, Marquessa Demura Lyonesse, that aspiration has been realized. My sister saw fit to not only accept my request to visit our old home and stay awhile, but to also keep me busy with a few responsibilities and duties for the duration of my time spent visiting. She knows me so well and it very nearly brings a tear to my eye, because she knew that I couldn’t sit idle for too long. I needed some sort of duty, some sort of responsibility, some manner of task to put myself toward that was more than a leisurely visit to my old home. For that, my sister and House Lyonesse has my gratitude.

We also saw Sir Jak Whitemane. I can’t write what he had to say to me in a white journal in good conscience. It was quite rude and vulgar. I’m pretty sure he’s taken a strong dislike of me since I’ve been away. Or he’s just old and hoping someone will kill him out of annoyance. Then probably turn his old skin into the latest armor for the Compact. Stronger than steelsilk. Jakhide? Someone should pitch the idea to him. Regardless of his disposition, Sir Jak Whitemane, as my knight, will always have a special place in my heart. No matter how old and crotchety he’s become or will be. How old is he now? 72? 80? 106? He must be part-something or another. I can safely report though that he took wonderfully to Nara. He treated her with all the courtesy and respect her station demands and he behaved as the knight that I always know he can and will be. He’s just a bit more free with his thoughts and words toward those he’s had the ability to call his squire at some point in life.

For every aspect that the Pantheon represents, I am grateful. I am grateful for this life that I’ve been given. With every hardship that it carries with it, for every dangerous encounter experienced, for every thing that seeks to shake my faith in humanity; it endures. We endure. In ourselves we find our resolve, but it is the Pantheon that hones it and shows it a proper direction. We give prayer and thanks.

It was to Duskshire that we traveled soon after, paying a visit before the final leg of the trip to Sanctum. There I encountered a peculiar sort of mule. A Duskshire mule, I’m told. Quite temperamental, feisty even, and it was possessed of a seemingly insatiable need to eat my clothing. At one point it even gave me a bit of a nibble, so I gave it a bit of a knuckle to the head. So it tried to bite me again, so I punched it in the head again. That went back and forth for a time until finally the mule got a sleeve and wandered off to enjoy the spoils of war. Maybe it was a test put toward me by Petrichor. Maybe it is a test that I failed miserably. Nature always triumphs, I suppose. Next time I venture to Duskshire, I believe I will do so in full kit. That way it can bite my steel clad butt. If I had been thinking clearly at the time, I’d have asked to purchase my newfound nemesis. Then donated him to the Iron Guard in Arx, given him his own guard crest, and put him on a patrol. Crime may well have plummeted with his presence. Or that beast of burden would have been running the whole of criminal operations within the first six months. Who knows. We must take care that the solutions we seek to create, do not become tomorrow’s monsters.

It was time for the main event after Duskshire. The moment that my daughter and I were awaiting. The moment that anticipation had building and building toward. I would like to say that first glimpse of Sanctum stole my daughter’s breath away. That would be a lie. The truth of the matter is that while it did steal my daughter’s breath away, it stole my own away, too. Sanctum always has and always will be that for me. If only I could visit more often. If only life had gone just a little differently, perhaps I’d have the opportunity to visit more often. To visit the chapels and be immersed in worship of the Pantheon. It is my only hope that she will remember that moment, wandering the streets and avenues of Sanctum and being immersed in what the Oathlands has to offer. She will have opportunities in the future of course; His Grace, Prince Edain Valardin agreed long ago to take her on as his squire when she is prepared for it. She will not lack in opportunities to embrace a part of her heritage.

We spent a good deal of time in Sanctum, keeping a low profile and simply staying focused on the important matters. Our faith, our love, our adoration, our commitment to the Pantheon. I am proud to say that Lady Nara took to it all with aplomb. She may have the down to earth outlook of her mother at times, but I can say with pride that she’s just as ready to embrace the pageantry of our lives when the time arises. What was truly beautiful of our visit to the Oathlands is that while I sought for it to teach my daughter things? I think it taught my daughter things about me. Those many variable habits, personality quirks, minor or seemingly inconsequential beliefs, and everything else that makes up a person. I think it revealed some, even child’s understanding, of what has ushered her father down the paths that I have taken in my own life.

After Sanctum, we began our journey east. I feel that all should venture west to refresh themselves from the well of the Faith, from time to time. It will sharpen resolve, bolster the spirit, guide the path, and more. It is like seeing sunlight for the first time in a long time. Every color seems just a little more vivid, every breath seems a little more crisp than the last. Every aspect of life simply seems more vibrant and alive. I have been witness to many things in this lifetime. Things that I can’t yet write about. I have seen marvels that make you question every aspect of the world that you know. I have seen things that truly boggle the mind and can make one question whether the choice to abstain from alcohol is worth it. For me personally, it all pales in comparison to Sanctum. Even the magnificence of Arx, the historical importance of it which I respect and appreciate, still pales in comparison to Sanctum.

There are still troubles that lurk over me, but I will accept them and do what I am able to resolve them. Whether it is through a life given in pursuit of a valorous end or some alternative, we will find a way and the Pantheon will show the way. My return to Arx is one that I have not realized I longed for. I have been happy to once again see the high walls, hear the clamor of the peoples in the streets, to return to walking my patrols with the Iron Guard, to look south and wonder what could have been, to stare south and think that my life would still be given with or without an oath. I have missed my goats and wish to publicly state in writing here and now that I appreciate the staff of Deepwood Manor for seeing to the care of them in my absence. Some day there will be a competition for the best lawn in Arx and they will help usher that lawn to victory.

My return did bring with it some news that brought a measure of sadness to me. A fair few of my friends and acquaintances have departed. My best friend is gone and she took with her a fair few other knights that I was particularly fond. My best friend leaving hurts the most, but just as she asked me about our bracelets long ago; I don’t need it to know our friendship endures. I don’t need her constant attention or even proximity to know that I am still her friend and she is mine. Then Dame Esoka has left too! I’m not sure whom to turn when I need someone to stand unwavering at my side or back; she and I fought together during the Siege of Arx a few years back. I’ve told her time and again since then that there are few that I would be so pleased to fight alongside. Sir Calaudrin - you know how serious this is, since I spelled his name right - likewise departed and the Iron Guard surely feels duty taking him elsewhere. It’s all quite unfortunate that I didn’t have an opportunity to tell them goodbye, but I’m sure that I’ll have an opportunity some day. Whether that’s in this life or another, I’m sure I’ll have that opportunity to give each of them a firm handshake and let them see a smile.

The past eight months have been good for me. When one begins to feel like life is taking its toll and every day seems a little worse than the last. When even the Way of the Pie can’t seem to bolster your spirits? We must take the reins of our life, give them a jerk, and direct the horse down another path. Sanctum has been that path to me, the road to it, and those I encountered along the way. Even something as simple as encountering a family of commoners, out trading and dealing, making use of a group of Knights of Solace and a noble’s entourage for their own needs. Only to discover one evening around a campfire that those same commons hold relations to another that you know and have known for years. A people so friendly that they’re prepared to regale you with story after story of a person you know simply because you mentioned where you journey from and some of your duties there. You mention the Iron Guard to the Fatchforths out seeing the world? You’d better be prepared for the barrage of questions and then the blanket of tales which will soon follow. Some of them quite hilarious, some of them surely embarrassing. For the dangers of the space between the Compact’s holdings though, it is those sort of people that help to calm the nerves. They are a vital people to life.

I return to Arx renewed and ready.

Family dinner happened. No one can say that it wasn't interesting. It was also nice to see everyone and our vassals. Also---my aim has perfected itself. Right in the eye!

Remind me to drink more water with my wine... It seems I am not as young as I used to be.

Upon marrying Kedehern, it seems I find myself the Aunt to many, as well as being a Great Aunt. I have to say it is a bit awkward when the Duke calls you Aunt Shae.