Written By Bhandn
Sept. 9, 2019, 3:33 a.m.(10/19/1011 AR)
Relationship Note on Mabelle
I think Lady Mabelle and I share a common bond in how we wish to learn more of ourselves, in the sense that we question the past and are /quite/ frustrated to find interesting works and other writings that have absolutely nothing to do with the target of our curiosity. It's enough to make one think it a punishment for vanity, which is absurd in this situation.
I did enjoy our talk over tea, though. I'm not one to indulge much in cookies, but since freshly made biscuits were not present at the table I made do with those. A fine way to start the morning, at least.
I did enjoy our talk over tea, though. I'm not one to indulge much in cookies, but since freshly made biscuits were not present at the table I made do with those. A fine way to start the morning, at least.
Written By Bhandn
Sept. 8, 2019, 1:02 a.m.(10/17/1011 AR)
Relationship Note on Icelyn
I have agreed to start the Lady Icelyn Acheron down the path of learning to better defend herself in situations where her bow is not as useful. This is, in many ways, a rarity, as this arrangement is not very far removed from how I perceive teaching a squire. However, the subject of me having a squire is another matter entirely.
We will be focusing on two major points of fighting, and meeting in the earlier hours of the day. As I said to her, the best time for lessons are in the morning just after a hearty meal. The body has nourishment and one feels more relaxed, a state that is typically the worst time to be attacked or to have to defend oneself and others. As such, she will learn not only to better respond to the unexpected, but she will also learn how to better defend herself at times when her guard is slightly lowered from that contented feeling of having enjoyed a delicious meal. Some may call the intention behind this method harsh, but to those who would say this I would ask how often /they/ have fended off an ambush over breakfast.
We will be focusing on two major points of fighting, and meeting in the earlier hours of the day. As I said to her, the best time for lessons are in the morning just after a hearty meal. The body has nourishment and one feels more relaxed, a state that is typically the worst time to be attacked or to have to defend oneself and others. As such, she will learn not only to better respond to the unexpected, but she will also learn how to better defend herself at times when her guard is slightly lowered from that contented feeling of having enjoyed a delicious meal. Some may call the intention behind this method harsh, but to those who would say this I would ask how often /they/ have fended off an ambush over breakfast.
Written By Bhandn
Sept. 6, 2019, 4:17 a.m.(10/13/1011 AR)
It is a bitter taste that is in my mouth, and it is not because of willow bark tea or any other brew that my tongue has endured over the years. It wasn't until a private talk that I had with someone recently that caused me to question myself. I went into it to discuss how the year had begun for me. That talk ended with me feeling a distrusting fool. Even days later, that feeling remains strong enough that I find myself yearning for those younger years. A childish dream, but still I think back and wish that those simpler times can return, days where I was certain of what lay beyond the next hill.
There is so much I still do not understand, and yet I feel like the only way to compensate for that is to run myself to exhaustion every day. What purpose does it serve to exhaust my mind that way, though? I do not write this to say that there is no point in increasing my knowledge and understanding of these past years, but at times it seems that is all that happens every day: I learn, but not /do/. I'm old, but I am not a fucking invalid, and yet compared to so many people I might as well be.
A bitter taste, and with very little to sweeten it.
There is so much I still do not understand, and yet I feel like the only way to compensate for that is to run myself to exhaustion every day. What purpose does it serve to exhaust my mind that way, though? I do not write this to say that there is no point in increasing my knowledge and understanding of these past years, but at times it seems that is all that happens every day: I learn, but not /do/. I'm old, but I am not a fucking invalid, and yet compared to so many people I might as well be.
A bitter taste, and with very little to sweeten it.
Written By Bhandn
Sept. 2, 2019, 11:14 p.m.(10/7/1011 AR)
While I may have some frustration over the exercise currently occurring at the House of Solace, I have to admit one thing: it's quite easy to get around when one is it. Everyone gets out of my way and I have not had to yell for people to move, these past few days. There is an advantage to everyone seeing me get, shall we say, "bulled over."
And now I come to the embarrassing part of it all: I have been unable to catch anyone to pass it on, as of the time I write this. At least I can take some comfort in the fact that I won't be bothered by any of the others (with one specific exception that will come in the form of a message). I can get my labors done more efficiently and train with fewer interruptions, in general.
I am suddenly come to the realization that I have had considerably more time for training than I can recall having in years. Did I really spend that many hours on something other than my own fitness in combat? The more I have thought on it, the more I have begun to suspect that the answer has been yes all this time. It was not encouraging to consider. I do think it productive, however, particularly with concern to larger weapons. I never really preferred fighting with what I was 'expected' to use for a man of my strength, but I cannot ignore the rather blatant reminder that I see every day.
And now I come to the embarrassing part of it all: I have been unable to catch anyone to pass it on, as of the time I write this. At least I can take some comfort in the fact that I won't be bothered by any of the others (with one specific exception that will come in the form of a message). I can get my labors done more efficiently and train with fewer interruptions, in general.
I am suddenly come to the realization that I have had considerably more time for training than I can recall having in years. Did I really spend that many hours on something other than my own fitness in combat? The more I have thought on it, the more I have begun to suspect that the answer has been yes all this time. It was not encouraging to consider. I do think it productive, however, particularly with concern to larger weapons. I never really preferred fighting with what I was 'expected' to use for a man of my strength, but I cannot ignore the rather blatant reminder that I see every day.
Written By Bhandn
Aug. 30, 2019, 10 p.m.(10/1/1011 AR)
Relationship Note on Petal
Mistress Petal recently accepted a commission for me and the work she did was exemplary. This gyrfalcon quill is exactly what I had been seeking, and that is if I discuss its quality alone.
I pray that I can exceed her expectations just as well in what she asked of me in trade. But then, isn't this exactly what the point of these commissions is, to learn how to do exactly that?
One item is complete, and I set my attention on the others, now. Still, now that I've set one foot on the bridge, there is no turning back. I just wish that I could better control my apprehension. I have no idea what I will do next if my offering is found wanting, or if this metaphorical bridge should collapse beneath me. Just the thought of it makes me feel the need for a pot of tea to soothe my nerves. Valardin black it is, then.
I pray that I can exceed her expectations just as well in what she asked of me in trade. But then, isn't this exactly what the point of these commissions is, to learn how to do exactly that?
One item is complete, and I set my attention on the others, now. Still, now that I've set one foot on the bridge, there is no turning back. I just wish that I could better control my apprehension. I have no idea what I will do next if my offering is found wanting, or if this metaphorical bridge should collapse beneath me. Just the thought of it makes me feel the need for a pot of tea to soothe my nerves. Valardin black it is, then.
Written By Bhandn
Aug. 20, 2019, 1:11 a.m.(9/7/1011 AR)
Relationship Note on Rymarr
I have found my correspondence with the Marquis-Consort of Deepwood to be of a nature I cannot define. I do not write this to say it was discomforting, but rather impacted me such as to leave me thinking on it for some time after, as the unexpected tends to do. In particular, I speak of just how powerfully striking our similarities are, in that each of us has, by the grace of Lagoma, has been given the opportunity to change. Never have I had such an encounter before, and in many ways it was disarming.
I confess, there was some unease on my part, as it seemed presumptuous to write him on that matter in the first place. That he responded favorably, and with more beside, had left me in a state of considerable surprise. Still, he played a willing ear, and asked the question that reinforced just how seriously he took my request. He will have to try harder to disarm me with his queries in the future, however, as I was prepared for that particular offensive.
It is my hope that time will allow us the opportunity to share more stories in the future, and I find myself wondering what he would say to one of them in particular. Yet, for all my wondering, some of my stories are ones that I must wait to tell, and I imagine the same is true for him. That saddens me, in some ways, but necessity rarely pays heed to the sentiments of those caught in that particular web.
If you should happen to read this, my lord, I assure you I very much look forward to your forthcoming missive.
I confess, there was some unease on my part, as it seemed presumptuous to write him on that matter in the first place. That he responded favorably, and with more beside, had left me in a state of considerable surprise. Still, he played a willing ear, and asked the question that reinforced just how seriously he took my request. He will have to try harder to disarm me with his queries in the future, however, as I was prepared for that particular offensive.
It is my hope that time will allow us the opportunity to share more stories in the future, and I find myself wondering what he would say to one of them in particular. Yet, for all my wondering, some of my stories are ones that I must wait to tell, and I imagine the same is true for him. That saddens me, in some ways, but necessity rarely pays heed to the sentiments of those caught in that particular web.
If you should happen to read this, my lord, I assure you I very much look forward to your forthcoming missive.
Written By Bhandn
Aug. 18, 2019, 7:25 p.m.(9/4/1011 AR)
Relationship Note on Harlex
I'm not certain what was more embarrassing, just how hard he can hit a man in steel, or the fact that such a spar was so decisively in his favor. To my credit, I did manage to penetrate his defenses despite his speed, but had it been actual fight to first blood, it still would not have changed the outcome. Like a pack of hunting dogs surrounding their kill, he is, and it was all I could do to fend him off until he quit playing with his food. It really is worse, knowing that it's coming.
I can certainly see why he was named the Sword of Lenosia.
I wonder how he would fare at my morning drills, when I lead them. The lady with whom he is acquainted certainly seemed amenable to helping with the shaming part of it. Something to ponder, while seeing to this bruising on my shoulder.
I can certainly see why he was named the Sword of Lenosia.
I wonder how he would fare at my morning drills, when I lead them. The lady with whom he is acquainted certainly seemed amenable to helping with the shaming part of it. Something to ponder, while seeing to this bruising on my shoulder.
Written By Bhandn
Aug. 13, 2019, 2:22 a.m.(8/21/1011 AR)
Today was full of unexpected developments. I am not certain how I will find the time to manage the not one, but /three/ unexpected events that transpired today. Gods, how can I possibly accomplish anything when yet more news reaches my ears that I never expected to hear? I am starting to wonder if this transpires daily for the highlords and His Majesty, always having something that requires your attention, to the point you wonder what comes next that will completely disrupt the plans and commitments you just made.
This is but one of the reasons I preferred to stay out on the road. Matters are far more straightforward, there.
I will say, though, that the day's little discussion on diplomacy certainly did not disappoint me. I learned a great deal from it, and I hope it will lead to even more discoveries. All that remains is to wait.
Again.
This is but one of the reasons I preferred to stay out on the road. Matters are far more straightforward, there.
I will say, though, that the day's little discussion on diplomacy certainly did not disappoint me. I learned a great deal from it, and I hope it will lead to even more discoveries. All that remains is to wait.
Again.
Written By Bhandn
Aug. 6, 2019, 1:28 a.m.(8/7/1011 AR)
Have I really been here for nearly a year? How has the time gone by so quickly?
I can still remember that first day arriving with the intention to rest for a time, and already the days have become months, and the months have multiplied faster than the rabbits.
I can't think of anything more to write, except to wait for those commissions to complete. I have hopes of securing the commission for the ink tomorrow, but that is the one that worries me the most. How can I possibly tell if /ink/ is of exceptional quality? It's /ink/. One uses it to write, and that's all there is to it! I think I need to get away from this paper before my head splits over thinking on it.
I can still remember that first day arriving with the intention to rest for a time, and already the days have become months, and the months have multiplied faster than the rabbits.
I can't think of anything more to write, except to wait for those commissions to complete. I have hopes of securing the commission for the ink tomorrow, but that is the one that worries me the most. How can I possibly tell if /ink/ is of exceptional quality? It's /ink/. One uses it to write, and that's all there is to it! I think I need to get away from this paper before my head splits over thinking on it.
Written By Bhandn
July 29, 2019, 9:47 p.m.(7/21/1011 AR)
Everything is ready.
I hope I can do it well enough to show something for it. I'm not sure what I even mean by this. It's a good thing, what I'm about to undertake, but it feels so awkward to be the one managing it, the one who has to make the decisions of what to do, where to do it, how, all of it.
May Gild and Lagoma find favor in my undertaking.
I hope I can do it well enough to show something for it. I'm not sure what I even mean by this. It's a good thing, what I'm about to undertake, but it feels so awkward to be the one managing it, the one who has to make the decisions of what to do, where to do it, how, all of it.
May Gild and Lagoma find favor in my undertaking.
Written By Bhandn
July 12, 2019, 2:58 a.m.(6/13/1011 AR)
It was good to see many people willing to give substantial amounts of silver towards the auction that occurred tonight. I wonder how many people there suspected I was raising the bidding on purpose, to force the contributions higher from the start. I do not have particularly vast sums at my disposal as some there did, yet even with that in mind I thought I was having a fever dream when Mistress Arcuri and His Majesty begin to war with each other over who would outbid the other.
Over three million silver was given towards that project. The amount boggles the mind to hear it, think it, and see it written here. It will be a spectacular commission, when it is done, and I am very much looking forward to seeing Dayne Valardin's likeness placed in the Hall. I confess, I have no small amount of envy for those that knew him well and served under him. Had I chosen a different path, would his and mine have crossed? The thought has crossed my mind - many a knight of my years has thought on it, I am sure - but I have no regrets about the roads I have traveled.
Still, I do wonder.
Over three million silver was given towards that project. The amount boggles the mind to hear it, think it, and see it written here. It will be a spectacular commission, when it is done, and I am very much looking forward to seeing Dayne Valardin's likeness placed in the Hall. I confess, I have no small amount of envy for those that knew him well and served under him. Had I chosen a different path, would his and mine have crossed? The thought has crossed my mind - many a knight of my years has thought on it, I am sure - but I have no regrets about the roads I have traveled.
Still, I do wonder.
Written By Bhandn
July 9, 2019, 11:35 p.m.(6/8/1011 AR)
Relationship Note on Sophie
I greatly enjoyed my long overdue talk over tea with our Mother Mercy. While it was a bit disappointing that no one intruded upon our discussion, as I rather wanted to see if any of my colleagues would be brazen enough to desire the consequences of which I gave warning, the conversation itself was more than worth the wait. Not only will I have to remember to bring only honey, and much more than I did today -- we both take quite a bit of it, it turns out -- but I will have to bring a second pot, to set on the fire while we enjoy the first.
Let this record show she has my support, after what we discussed today. I very much look forward to another such talk, when time allows.
Let this record show she has my support, after what we discussed today. I very much look forward to another such talk, when time allows.
Written By Bhandn
June 11, 2019, 4:27 a.m.(4/7/1011 AR)
I find myself thinking on events that transpired nearly two centuries ago, though I have the suspicion that I will be forced to spend more time with tired eyes in order to truly understand exactly what it is that I have learned. History was a subject in which I never found myself immersed, but this past year has been one filled with changes, and I have discovered that I am rather determined to untangle some of the threads. Never yielding until an answer is found, perhaps. It's not like anything /worse/ could happen to me compared to this past year. I rather think how this year - 1011 AR - began is just as unlikely to be surpassed, which only means that it will be if stories can be believed.
Which reminds me: one does hope that my benefactor on the second day of the year will be happy to come to me and receive my gratitude for the gift. It has been ever so /delightful/, these past few months. However, you were fourteen days ahead of the date of my birth. Something to consider the next time you are feeling generous as the year starts. I assure you, I would be more than content with a letter explaining yourself.
Which reminds me: one does hope that my benefactor on the second day of the year will be happy to come to me and receive my gratitude for the gift. It has been ever so /delightful/, these past few months. However, you were fourteen days ahead of the date of my birth. Something to consider the next time you are feeling generous as the year starts. I assure you, I would be more than content with a letter explaining yourself.
Written By Bhandn
June 5, 2019, 2:08 a.m.(3/23/1011 AR)
Relationship Note on Kenna
A simple suggestion by Her Highness Princess Marisol Valardin that we should meet, and already I find myself interested in seeing where she progresses. I find myself particularly interested in her friends as well, for her to receive the gift that she did, as well as who it was evaluating her in its use that I chanced upon. I wonder what tapestry will be woven from this particular thread, and what it will show when the work is complete? There is some part of me, the much younger me, that would very much like to see just how much mettle each of them possess, especially after the Lady's description of her teacher. I have few doubts about him, but still the thought remains.
I think I am beginning to see why Her Highness thought we should meet. If not, then I have a reason of my own. Curiosity may indeed kill the cat, my Lady, but as was said, satisfaction brings it back. But, will /you/ be satisfied with the notion that what you wish to learn is not a matter of stories, but of endurance and pain? I was not making light of your desire to be worthy of that blade; I meant every word, every bruise that I would see you gain in your pursuit of improvement. Learning the ways to swing it is not enough; you must also learn the ways to raise your arm when it would have you yield, and those cannot be taught so easily.
I think I am beginning to see why Her Highness thought we should meet. If not, then I have a reason of my own. Curiosity may indeed kill the cat, my Lady, but as was said, satisfaction brings it back. But, will /you/ be satisfied with the notion that what you wish to learn is not a matter of stories, but of endurance and pain? I was not making light of your desire to be worthy of that blade; I meant every word, every bruise that I would see you gain in your pursuit of improvement. Learning the ways to swing it is not enough; you must also learn the ways to raise your arm when it would have you yield, and those cannot be taught so easily.
Written By Bhandn
June 4, 2019, 1:58 a.m.(3/21/1011 AR)
I haven't written in a while, which is more how things were, but today was enough of an experience to merit the writing.
So I did it. I asked the question that more than I was wondering, and the result of it - let alone the question that Grayfellow boy asked - made me feel a fool. I thought of it for some but not others, and that guilt keeps spinning around in my head like that game children play with a blindfold, where they try to not fall over while dizzy and blind. How fitting I was wearing a blindfold then, because it only makes me feel all the more sightless /now/.
For fuck's sake I'm tired of this feeling. Everything was simple and straightforward until a year ago.
Nothing is, now, even the simple things. But I promised I'd try. It's becoming very tiring. Was this why she seemed so wan almost every day? I hope not.
So I did it. I asked the question that more than I was wondering, and the result of it - let alone the question that Grayfellow boy asked - made me feel a fool. I thought of it for some but not others, and that guilt keeps spinning around in my head like that game children play with a blindfold, where they try to not fall over while dizzy and blind. How fitting I was wearing a blindfold then, because it only makes me feel all the more sightless /now/.
For fuck's sake I'm tired of this feeling. Everything was simple and straightforward until a year ago.
Nothing is, now, even the simple things. But I promised I'd try. It's becoming very tiring. Was this why she seemed so wan almost every day? I hope not.
Written By Bhandn
May 10, 2019, 3:01 p.m.(1/28/1011 AR)
1/30/1011 AR
The date and time have been set for the meeting. I hope that this goes well. It will be important, nonetheless, which is why I felt it merits recording. It's been a long time since I felt anxious in this way, like I'm still squiring only this time I don't have someone to point the way to go. I worry that I'll be fumbling in the dark the whole way, but at the same time I think on just how many times I fumbled mounting a horse without overdoing it, before I finally learned to do it right.
The date and time have been set for the meeting. I hope that this goes well. It will be important, nonetheless, which is why I felt it merits recording. It's been a long time since I felt anxious in this way, like I'm still squiring only this time I don't have someone to point the way to go. I worry that I'll be fumbling in the dark the whole way, but at the same time I think on just how many times I fumbled mounting a horse without overdoing it, before I finally learned to do it right.
Written By Bhandn
May 5, 2019, 1:33 p.m.(1/18/1011 AR)
I think I am beginning to understand just why it is I've chosen to stay in Arx for an extended time. There are still so many questions, but, given the events of the past few months, and what I have learned, I've come to realize that there is a great deal I can do /here/ just as there is in providing safe passage to elsewhere.
It's curious, how I thought my oaths were meant to be uphold solely while out in travel, or in a place of sanctuary. Naivete is not a particularly comfortable thing to admit. I have Valena to thank, forever, for teaching me that my eyes were closed for a very long time. Now that I've started looking, truly looking, I start to see many things that bother me a great deal. Gods, but I wish she were here with me. She'd know what to do about it, and I'm here just trying to guess.
So many possible choices, and me unable to decide which path to walk.
It's curious, how I thought my oaths were meant to be uphold solely while out in travel, or in a place of sanctuary. Naivete is not a particularly comfortable thing to admit. I have Valena to thank, forever, for teaching me that my eyes were closed for a very long time. Now that I've started looking, truly looking, I start to see many things that bother me a great deal. Gods, but I wish she were here with me. She'd know what to do about it, and I'm here just trying to guess.
So many possible choices, and me unable to decide which path to walk.
Written By Bhandn
April 28, 2019, 2:30 p.m.(1/4/1011 AR)
How do I even begin to explain the events of this past year in a way pleasing to Vellichor? I worry that I cannot, and yet at the same time, a part of me feels that I must. Yet, every time I try to set the words to paper, to record the many happenings of mine, the words fail me and all I can do is just <a large spot of ink is here> feel.
I told myself that it was a stupid idea to call 1010AR the Year of Sorrows, and yet it seems that for me and others it most certainly was exactly that. I myself lost comrades and a woman I cared for deeply. Worse, I lost something else entirely, something I do not think I can ever explain even in words.
What, then, will 1011AR prove to be? Is it wrong of me to ask that it be the Year of Balms?
I told myself that it was a stupid idea to call 1010AR the Year of Sorrows, and yet it seems that for me and others it most certainly was exactly that. I myself lost comrades and a woman I cared for deeply. Worse, I lost something else entirely, something I do not think I can ever explain even in words.
What, then, will 1011AR prove to be? Is it wrong of me to ask that it be the Year of Balms?
Written By Bhandn
April 14, 2019, 3:42 p.m.(12/4/1010 AR)
I heard that a Marquessa was seeking people in which to perform the Rite of Gloria. Given recent circumstances, and conversations, I felt compelled to respond. It's not something I typically did in the past - I preferred staying out on the road - but recent events and tales told to me have clearly changed how I look at matters. Either way, my lack of participation in the Tournament of Roses is grating on me more than I thought it would. There's an awkward feeling I get when thinking about it, which means that perhaps Mistress Arcuri had the right of it when we spoke the other day. It certainly was not my intention to give even a hint of offense or inattention to Gloria, which is all the more reason I should do exactly the opposite of each of those.
All there is now, is to wait. For an answer, to find an answer, or maybe sharpen the entire Order's blades again.
I /hate/ waiting for something to happen.
All there is now, is to wait. For an answer, to find an answer, or maybe sharpen the entire Order's blades again.
I /hate/ waiting for something to happen.
Written By Bhandn
April 9, 2019, 7:07 p.m.(11/22/1010 AR)
I'm worried about the answer to my question. When the answer is itself a question, where then does the true answer lie? For how long and how far must I search to find what I seek? I had thought this would be a simple matter -- weeks of reading and study, perhaps -- but the more I continue, the more I find myself beginning to slip beneath the water's surface into this unfathomable abyss of knowledge.
I was never prone to reading, growing up or during my days as a squire -- it was rare of me to even write as I am doing now -- but the more I continue to do so, the more I find myself writing /more/. It's a strange feeling, this desire to put word to paper and, before I know it, an hour has gone by. That alone is a sign that I should consider doing this more in an out of doors location where I can at least mark the passage of time better.
I was never prone to reading, growing up or during my days as a squire -- it was rare of me to even write as I am doing now -- but the more I continue to do so, the more I find myself writing /more/. It's a strange feeling, this desire to put word to paper and, before I know it, an hour has gone by. That alone is a sign that I should consider doing this more in an out of doors location where I can at least mark the passage of time better.
Please note that the scholars may take some time preparing your journal for others to read.