Written By Joscelin
Nov. 14, 2018, 12:10 a.m.(12/26/1009 AR)
Relationship Note on Gareth
Not many know that we knew each other, or that we were friends, or that it was you that gifted me with Mongoose when I was at my most vulnerable, my most fearful, or that it was your embrace the night Oliver died that shook me loose from the stupor of shock. If there weren't witnesses to the latter, I daresay most would call me a liar.
But you were my friend. Your promises meant much to me. I am sad for your loss for many reasons, most that I cannot write here, and some that I lack the ability to express.
Ultimately, I hope thus: that you knew you had my friendship and respect, and that you were important to me.
I pray Death keeps you safe until your next Turn, and that that life is far kinder to you than this one was.
But you were my friend. Your promises meant much to me. I am sad for your loss for many reasons, most that I cannot write here, and some that I lack the ability to express.
Ultimately, I hope thus: that you knew you had my friendship and respect, and that you were important to me.
I pray Death keeps you safe until your next Turn, and that that life is far kinder to you than this one was.
Written By Joscelin
Nov. 14, 2018, 12:06 a.m.(12/26/1009 AR)
I haven't been home since Oliver died.
I have a place to stay, I've been offered many places, in homes, families, establishments. I've written it many times and I'll do it again: the sheer generosity I've been met with has been humbling. If there's any good to come of all this, it's that I am loved and cared for.
But I've not been idle, either.
Letters. So many letters, private meetings, conversations between parties both sought after and requested. The support I've been met with in Oliver's passing has turned into something else. So many offers of help and support have been managed and shifted towards the Guild. It's been hard maintaining a certain level of energy, which has had less to do with grief and more to do with feeling exhausted all the time, something the physicians have warned me will only get worse as this baby gets bigger. But with a shift in focus, delegating those that are eager to help, the social influence of the Guild has grown, and many of my Crafters are reporting an increase in business. This heartens me, the Guild is alive and growing and doing well.
My work in the Atelier has all but stopped. My assistants continue as ever and their work is to my impossible standards, but my own hands have yet to raise a hammer or work the metals overmuch. I've managed to finish a project long due, but I won't lie: it was quite hard and the effort continues to be so. I miss working at my bench but it's hard to find my heart in it these days. I suspect my interest will return, but for now I am hesitant to take commissions. I have several projects I must finish, overdue for my grief, but I mean to finish them before the baby is born.
I have a place to stay, I've been offered many places, in homes, families, establishments. I've written it many times and I'll do it again: the sheer generosity I've been met with has been humbling. If there's any good to come of all this, it's that I am loved and cared for.
But I've not been idle, either.
Letters. So many letters, private meetings, conversations between parties both sought after and requested. The support I've been met with in Oliver's passing has turned into something else. So many offers of help and support have been managed and shifted towards the Guild. It's been hard maintaining a certain level of energy, which has had less to do with grief and more to do with feeling exhausted all the time, something the physicians have warned me will only get worse as this baby gets bigger. But with a shift in focus, delegating those that are eager to help, the social influence of the Guild has grown, and many of my Crafters are reporting an increase in business. This heartens me, the Guild is alive and growing and doing well.
My work in the Atelier has all but stopped. My assistants continue as ever and their work is to my impossible standards, but my own hands have yet to raise a hammer or work the metals overmuch. I've managed to finish a project long due, but I won't lie: it was quite hard and the effort continues to be so. I miss working at my bench but it's hard to find my heart in it these days. I suspect my interest will return, but for now I am hesitant to take commissions. I have several projects I must finish, overdue for my grief, but I mean to finish them before the baby is born.
Written By Joscelin
Nov. 9, 2018, 10:11 a.m.(12/17/1009 AR)
Relationship Note on Fortunato
I have an inner child. Right now it's keeping me up, rolling from one side of my belly to the other, pausing now and then to push on my bladder, which has me living in the Back Rooms' bathroom for fear of accidents. And then I'm pretty sure the craving for fish is coming from this same inner child. Fish... and chocolate.
But I'm actually pretty sure that wasn't what you meant.
But I'm actually pretty sure that wasn't what you meant.
Written By Joscelin
Nov. 1, 2018, 1:22 p.m.(12/1/1009 AR)
It still hurts to smile, and laughing? Laughing is a fleeting escape; I come back to myself and I'm still alone.
Written By Joscelin
Oct. 29, 2018, 2:12 a.m.(11/22/1009 AR)
I am further moved to tears by the generosity of my friends, allies, and -family-. It's easy to accept these things, to take them for granted, but alas, us poor mortals will never know how much we are loved sometimes until the worst befalls us. I continue to be humbled, and proud, of these connections that have been forged over the years. My knees buckle and there's a hand to hold me up. I stumble and there's an arm to brace against. I shiver and there is a cloak. I weep and there's an embrace there to shelter me.
That all who feel lost can feel so protected, that all who -have- lost can feel so reclaimed.
I've no right to feel so blessed, but either way, I am still so very thankful.
That all who feel lost can feel so protected, that all who -have- lost can feel so reclaimed.
I've no right to feel so blessed, but either way, I am still so very thankful.
Written By Joscelin
Oct. 29, 2018, 2:12 a.m.(11/22/1009 AR)
I am further moved to tears by the generosity of my friends, allies, and -family-. It's easy to accept these things, to take them for granted, but alas, us poor mortals will never know how much we are loved sometimes until the worst befalls us. I continue to be humbled, and proud, of these connections that have been forged over the years. My knees buckle and there's a hand to hold me up. I stumble and there's an arm to brace against. I shiver and there is a cloak. I weep and there's an embrace there to shelter me.
That all who feel lost can feel so protected, that all who -have- lost can feel so reclaimed.
I've no right to feel so blessed, but either way, I am still so very thankful.
That all who feel lost can feel so protected, that all who -have- lost can feel so reclaimed.
I've no right to feel so blessed, but either way, I am still so very thankful.
Written By Joscelin
Oct. 28, 2018, 3:30 p.m.(11/21/1009 AR)
Do you know what failure smells like? It smells like burnt cookies. And not the typical sugar biscuits, but the really wonderful, chocolate morsels, baking-for-one-of-the-many-people-that-have-helped-you-through-this-shitty-fortnight, crisp on the outside and soft on the inside, cookies. But burnt.
That's the smell of failure. That's what it smells like to me.
Also I need to figure out how to sleep through the night, raccoon eyes is not a dignified look for me.
That's the smell of failure. That's what it smells like to me.
Also I need to figure out how to sleep through the night, raccoon eyes is not a dignified look for me.
Written By Joscelin
Oct. 26, 2018, 8:33 p.m.(11/17/1009 AR)
Relationship Note on Aleksei
Oliver would want that middle-finger covered in little cheap glass gems of varying garish colors.
Written By Joscelin
Oct. 25, 2018, 1:24 a.m.(11/14/1009 AR)
I am humbled by the many offers of support, aid, and protection given in the last few days. Even in the midst of this, I see the effort, all of it, and the hands outstretched in willing, compassionate generosity. It truly stuns me. Thank you; you have all reminded me of why I love this city and its people, and why I am still so proud to call it 'home'.
Written By Joscelin
Oct. 24, 2018, 10:02 a.m.(11/13/1009 AR)
Every kick under my ribs makes me feel both hope and despair. This is too much emotion for one heart; is there a way to relieve the pressure?
As the days go on, I keep thinking I'll wake up and everyone will be as it was. A childish notion, one that I'll shed as I will this grief. One day. For now I continue to focus on what's important, but these feelings... they build like a wave over the day and crash into me, until I'm left gasping and crawling to bed, praying for sleep to drown me, for a little while, and grant me relief.
Sometimes the dreams come and it's helpful. Other times, they come and they are not.
As the days go on, I keep thinking I'll wake up and everyone will be as it was. A childish notion, one that I'll shed as I will this grief. One day. For now I continue to focus on what's important, but these feelings... they build like a wave over the day and crash into me, until I'm left gasping and crawling to bed, praying for sleep to drown me, for a little while, and grant me relief.
Sometimes the dreams come and it's helpful. Other times, they come and they are not.
Written By Joscelin
Oct. 24, 2018, 1:50 a.m.(11/12/1009 AR)
Relationship Note on Fecundo
I was going through my house this afternoon, packing a bag while I stayed in more neutral rooms, and I found the sketches he did of your outfit. He was so proud of his work and your pleasure. I am glad you were there for our happy memory, so that our story lingers even further in the minds of our descendants, written for future generations.
You honored him with your favor, and I know he would have been further overjoyed to dress you on the eventual, future day of your nuptials.
You honored him with your favor, and I know he would have been further overjoyed to dress you on the eventual, future day of your nuptials.
Written By Joscelin
Oct. 23, 2018, 6:18 p.m.(11/11/1009 AR)
I am grateful for all that have responded and spoken, that have sworn to free thralls, lawfully, in the name of my poor Oliver. And that so many have offered, it is a bit of light in the shadows of today.
Justice. Honor. Accountability. These are the things I am trying to focus on, to let those that wish to help, help. It's very hard.
Forgive me now for the ire that lives in me in these dark hours. If I rage, scream, lash, it isn't you. I am trying to purge my anger and my fear and it is slow work, a crawl over jagged rocks on bare knees and exposed palms to a destination I can only hope is there. I've seen others walk through this anguish with grace. Maybe I can manage to do the same.
Justice. Honor. Accountability. These are the things I am trying to focus on, to let those that wish to help, help. It's very hard.
Forgive me now for the ire that lives in me in these dark hours. If I rage, scream, lash, it isn't you. I am trying to purge my anger and my fear and it is slow work, a crawl over jagged rocks on bare knees and exposed palms to a destination I can only hope is there. I've seen others walk through this anguish with grace. Maybe I can manage to do the same.
Written By Joscelin
Oct. 23, 2018, 12:19 a.m.(11/10/1009 AR)
I am a lucky woman with far more friends and family than I expected or deserve.
...and still all I want is for you to be home, waiting for me. This was not the story I had written. This was not the life we had planned.
...and still all I want is for you to be home, waiting for me. This was not the story I had written. This was not the life we had planned.
Written By Joscelin
Oct. 22, 2018, 11:06 p.m.(11/10/1009 AR)
My husband's body was found butchered, at the docks, with hateful words written on his face.
His baby kicks beneath my heart.
The same thought echoes through my head without ceasing:
"What will I do?"
His baby kicks beneath my heart.
The same thought echoes through my head without ceasing:
"What will I do?"
Written By Joscelin
Oct. 18, 2018, 10:49 p.m.(10/21/1009 AR)
Relationship Note on Evaristo
I'm devastated I wounded my cousin's feeling.
Just devastated.
On a lighter note, I set my apron on fire this morning. It's big enough to still fit me, thank goodness, but it's also leather. Did you know leather is flame-resistant but not completely retardant? I knew this of course but I've never obtained more than scorch marks, because it takes a very long time and a great deal of heat for leather this thick to catch fire. I wasn't wearing it at the time but I left it by the casting forge. Very close to the flames. Too close. For too long.
I can't wait to give birth to this baby, it's eating up my sense and attention and I don't like that one bit.
Just devastated.
On a lighter note, I set my apron on fire this morning. It's big enough to still fit me, thank goodness, but it's also leather. Did you know leather is flame-resistant but not completely retardant? I knew this of course but I've never obtained more than scorch marks, because it takes a very long time and a great deal of heat for leather this thick to catch fire. I wasn't wearing it at the time but I left it by the casting forge. Very close to the flames. Too close. For too long.
I can't wait to give birth to this baby, it's eating up my sense and attention and I don't like that one bit.
Written By Joscelin
Oct. 18, 2018, 12:04 a.m.(10/19/1009 AR)
Relationship Note on Evaristo
I've been gifted a piece of furniture I'm required to love.
Fine.
It's hideous but oddly endearing. Also I am too tired to move the thing so it's in my Atelier now. The assistants like it a lot, I don't know if he paid them to like it but they do.
Fine.
It's hideous but oddly endearing. Also I am too tired to move the thing so it's in my Atelier now. The assistants like it a lot, I don't know if he paid them to like it but they do.
Written By Joscelin
Oct. 16, 2018, 6:58 p.m.(10/16/1009 AR)
Relationship Note on Evaristo
You make me tired.
If you can make yourself presentable, you're allowed to join us for lunch any time you like. But you -will- wash your .... everything, first. Alright?
It really is good to have you back in the city, cousin.
If you can make yourself presentable, you're allowed to join us for lunch any time you like. But you -will- wash your .... everything, first. Alright?
It really is good to have you back in the city, cousin.
Written By Joscelin
Oct. 16, 2018, 6:54 p.m.(10/16/1009 AR)
Relationship Note on Morrighan
My cousin Evaristo stole the bottle of booze you gave me. In about four months I'm going to need another one.
Written By Joscelin
Oct. 15, 2018, 4:29 p.m.(10/14/1009 AR)
Relationship Note on Evaristo
.... I had those scones on the counter for literally ten minutes! How did you sneak in and take NINE OF THEM without me noticing? I thought the dog had taken them until one of my assistants told me the truth!
Also she said you smelled like booze and you tried to kiss your reflection in the window? What?
Do you need help?
Also she said you smelled like booze and you tried to kiss your reflection in the window? What?
Do you need help?
Written By Joscelin
Oct. 15, 2018, 4:16 p.m.(10/14/1009 AR)
Relationship Note on Eleyna
When the praise of a client ripples through the city like a pebble in a millpond, and you're felled by the sincere words of admiration.
No seriously, I nearly fell over. Goodness.
No seriously, I nearly fell over. Goodness.
Please note that the scholars may take some time preparing your journal for others to read.