Written By Sen'azala
Dec. 23, 2023, 1:01 a.m.(6/3/1021 AR)
I'd ask if you understand why I still found my way here, but the truth is it wouldn't change things, and you always knew.
I should be sleeping, but I'm writing letters you might never see instead, like an idiot. If it's still possible after the world changes, I'll bring them to you, and I'll tell you everything you feel like being told. Everything. Every story. It feels like a whole lifetime, there's a lot to tell. I can't stay, but I'll find you, all of you, if you're still there to find, and I'll tell you that he's gone.
I'll tell you that you helped save the world.
But if it's me bringing them, if it's me telling you, then I'll tell you that you helped save me. I never forgot. Not for a single, solitary moment. I never will. I just get lost, now and then.
I love you.
There you are. I wrote it down. They don't let us rip up journals, so I can't pretend I didn't. I'll tell you if I find you. I'm not sure you realize that's what I said by leaving. I never would have otherwise, I would have haunted the tribe's steps forever. No one else could have convinced me to go. I knew my mother for a night, but you were the mother she must have hoped you would be.
There, I wrote that down too. I won't take it back.
Written By Sen'azala
Dec. 23, 2023, 12:34 a.m.(6/3/1021 AR)
This city is full of artists. They've got whole galleries, and the Hall of Heroes is full of statues. There's a fucking enormous cathedral full of colored glass, and murals are common. People will paint or sketch a picture of you in the market sometimes, and it's cheap, but probably because they've got to rush it, and none of the street painters are as good at it as you.
There's a place called the Shrine of the First Choice, and in the back, the inner sanctum, someone I know painted an entire wall with something that reminds me of you. If you saw it, you'd understand.
You were right, and so was I.
Written By Sen'azala
Nov. 29, 2023, 11:22 p.m.(4/13/1021 AR)
Relationship Note on Raven
Written By Sen'azala
Nov. 28, 2023, 7:11 a.m.(4/10/1021 AR)
It would have to be, right? What kind of friend would I be, if I let it be anything else?
Written By Sen'azala
Nov. 9, 2023, 6:36 p.m.(3/1/1021 AR)
For fuck's sake, this is *not the fucking time* for this shit.
Written By Sen'azala
Nov. 8, 2023, 6:12 p.m.(2/27/1021 AR)
Relationship Note on Titus
He *is* a fucking monster, and if he ever seems otherwise, it's a lie.
Presumably, at some point there was at least some scrap of something that led to him being a part of the Order, but since he ended up betraying them all, none of them are left to ask what that might have been.
Written By Sen'azala
Oct. 14, 2023, 10:46 p.m.(1/5/1021 AR)
...No, that's it. I guess there's nothing left to write.
Written By Sen'azala
Oct. 13, 2023, 11:15 p.m.(1/3/1021 AR)
Written By Sen'azala
Oct. 12, 2023, 10:47 a.m.(12/28/1020 AR)
I don't...
You'd think I'd have given more thought about who I'd be when I got there. I didn't see why it would matter. Who cares what type of a person it is who kills a monster, so long as the monster is dead? People who are comfortable enough they feel like they can afford to be picky, that's who. That's never been me. And I've not done nearly enough good to qualify as a good person. You can't balance good things you've done against bad things you've done like some sort of moral ledger. I was going to kill the monster. That's what mattered, and that's all that mattered.
The thing is, good people, they just sort of...tug at you. Usually only a little, sometimes quite a lot. Often they're not even trying to do it, but eventually it starts corrupting you. It chips away at all the stupid shit you think you know. Rots at your reasons and excuses for not caring. They care. And if you don't watch out, you start caring too. At first, it's just because they do. You don't want to see them disappointed. You don't want to see them hurt. There's a room on a dark night where they're all grieving, and you just don't quite understand. The loss isn't yours. You don't know why you're there, except that they let you come with them. Let you stay. Let you see them vulnerable in a way you'd never, ever have let them see you.
I think about that night often. Nearly every day, of late. I think...maybe that's where it happened. Maybe that's where it set in. A night when the people I didn't realize were my friends were crying. The whole world changed that night. Maybe I did too.
And I think...there's someone I never met, who was a good person. A very good person. Maybe one of the best people, in the end. I wouldn't be quite who I am, where I am, in the way I am, if she hadn't left such a large, empty space in the people who loved her.
Did this entry somehow turn into a bizarre eulogy for a stranger? I don't know. You leave ripples, even when you're gone. Even when the people who loved you are gone. Maybe even when the people who loved them are gone. That's what I hope, anyway.
Written By Sen'azala
Sept. 11, 2023, 2:45 a.m.(7/8/1020 AR)
Written By Sen'azala
July 9, 2023, 6:05 p.m.(2/21/1020 AR)
Written By Sen'azala
Jan. 22, 2023, 6:17 p.m.(4/11/1019 AR)
Written By Sen'azala
Jan. 16, 2023, 9:09 a.m.(3/26/1019 AR)
Maybe that's okay to most people, but sometimes I feel like mourning the stupid little things that I'll never know. A name, a face, and a single moment in time just aren't enough, even if that single moment in time might save the world.
Written By Sen'azala
Jan. 2, 2023, 7:18 a.m.(2/26/1019 AR)
The dream never lasts long enough for me to be able to tell how it works out.
...So I guess I admit that I've yet to have one where I actually hit the ground.
Written By Sen'azala
Dec. 21, 2022, 6:52 a.m.(2/2/1019 AR)
Relationship Note on Raemond
Written By Sen'azala
Nov. 9, 2022, 6:47 a.m.(11/2/1018 AR)
Time. The moon is time. And, contrary to appearances, there's not much left of it.
Written By Sen'azala
Nov. 1, 2022, 4:50 a.m.(9/2/1018 AR)
Written By Sen'azala
Oct. 21, 2022, 7:37 a.m.(8/8/1018 AR)
Sounds like something that should be in a children's book. I won't be writing it.
Written By Sen'azala
Oct. 3, 2022, 7 a.m.(6/28/1018 AR)
Oh well.
I've been there. I've seen it. I know how the bullshitting goes, every time, all the excuses made, every time, the way the debts are tallied and tracked, the looks on the faces of second generation thralls, third generation thralls, *fourth* generation thralls that have never, not for a single moment, been out from under their owners' boots. Slavery is slavery regardless of what the people holding the chains choose to call it, and there's no need for me to say so, because the rebels themselves said as much when they allied with the slavetakers of Skal'daja. The slavetakers of Skal'daja said as much when they allied with the rebels. There is not a single soul on Arvum that will truthfully argue that the Skal'dajans are not slavers, and yet the rebels chose them over their own people. One might wonder why that was so comfortable. One might wonder why rebelling thralls were the ones fighting Skal'dajan slavers while Helianthus' men cut them down. One might wonder, but the answer's obvious. Like recognizes like. Their actions are their testimony, then as now. They'll drown the Mourning Isles in blood before they let it go.
Who am I to write any of this? I don't know. Me. It's my journal to rant in.
Written By Sen'azala
Sept. 25, 2022, 3:05 a.m.(6/12/1018 AR)
I understand that it's largely the result of people simply not knowing any of this, or, if they do, not fully grasping the implications, but I also expect that, once told, they stop insisting on being completely and utterly wrong. Or, at the very least, if they do insist on it, they can say it to my face so that *I* can explain - slowly, in small words - that they are completely and utterly wrong, before politely recommending that they sit the hell down and shut the fuck up.
We were allies, not subjects. My hope is that we can be allies again, my belief is that we're all dead or worse if we don't learn how to do that, but House Venandi will not kneel to the Compact any more than it will kneel to the Horned God. House Venandi will not kneel to anyone.
Please note that the scholars may take some time preparing your journal for others to read.