Written By Jaenelle
Jan. 18, 2024, 9:26 a.m.(7/28/1021 AR)
It is no secret that I was not born in the Lyceum, and despite this the Lyceum is where I found my identity, my voice, and my place. It is hard to remember a time in the Mourning Isles where women were given the choice to be more than seen and not heard but I remember when we were not allowed on ships because of tradition. Where weapons were not allowed to sit in our hands because something would be tainted. Where women were meant to smile, to take care of the hearth, and do so quietly and happily. I suffocated beneath my Grandfather's "traditions", beneath his laws and demands.
It took some time, working within the shadows as is necessary, to fit all the places in a row. To convince my grandfather to do anything was a feat but I learned very early in life that when you wanted Donrai Thrax to do anything, you made him think it was his idea, and so I did. "An alliance with House Velenosa, grandfather. They would do well to be connected to the might of House Thrax. Would Archduchess Carlotta do well to hear your wisdom, grandfather? A marriage would certainly solidify such a friendship." I was only a woman, a pawn to be used in Donrai Thrax's game to expand his reach, and I took advantage of this and played as the pawn /so well/. I lost myself in the Mourning Isle, or perhaps I never truly found who I was because I played what was needed when it was needed, and my never ending supply of masks to hide behind were all I had.
I was married to Duchess Carlotta's son, a man who had his own issues and lost his battle with those not long after we were wed. I never knew my husband well, and perhaps I was never meant to and he was simply placed in my life for one purpose and that was my freedom. I know it is a concept that others might look at me with skepticism, what would a Princess of a wealthy House know about a lack of freedom? It is a valid thought, especially in a world of thralls, but it was my own shackle and one I desperately wanted to be free from. Upon Gersard's death Archduchess Carlotta could have sent me back. Upon her death, Archduchess Esera could have decided there was no longer need for her brother's widow and sent me back to my grandfather, but neither did and for that small piece of mercy I owe my existence.
I was a young woman then, who's entire life till that point was lived within shadows and carefully arranged moments, and suddenly I was asked my opinion of matters. Mine. I no longer had to pretend they were those of another in hopes they would be taken seriously. Recognition for my ideas was something that I had never experienced before, and now I was able to write my own name on missives and plans, and I cried over such a small thing I never knew how badly I needed before that. If anyone tells you that a name is but a name, they are lying because a name is everything. As time went on each mask that I clung to for survival was allowed to slip and shatter, and slowly I picked up those pieces and found my own reflection in the mirror. It was a terrifying thing, to have hidden yourself so completely that you must learn who you even are just as you are attempting to navigate an entirely new world. It took time but I learned who I was, I learned the sound of my own voice and the power within it, and vowed then that I would die before I ever allowed anyone to force me to hide again and I would take everyone with me in the process.
So you see, when people say I was not born Lycene that is not right. My mother was of House Thrax and my father was of House Redrain, but Jaenelle Velenosa nee Thrax was most definitely born in the Lyceum and no one will ever convince me otherwise. This is my home, this is my family and those are my people and I will die before I allow any harm to come to them.
It took some time, working within the shadows as is necessary, to fit all the places in a row. To convince my grandfather to do anything was a feat but I learned very early in life that when you wanted Donrai Thrax to do anything, you made him think it was his idea, and so I did. "An alliance with House Velenosa, grandfather. They would do well to be connected to the might of House Thrax. Would Archduchess Carlotta do well to hear your wisdom, grandfather? A marriage would certainly solidify such a friendship." I was only a woman, a pawn to be used in Donrai Thrax's game to expand his reach, and I took advantage of this and played as the pawn /so well/. I lost myself in the Mourning Isle, or perhaps I never truly found who I was because I played what was needed when it was needed, and my never ending supply of masks to hide behind were all I had.
I was married to Duchess Carlotta's son, a man who had his own issues and lost his battle with those not long after we were wed. I never knew my husband well, and perhaps I was never meant to and he was simply placed in my life for one purpose and that was my freedom. I know it is a concept that others might look at me with skepticism, what would a Princess of a wealthy House know about a lack of freedom? It is a valid thought, especially in a world of thralls, but it was my own shackle and one I desperately wanted to be free from. Upon Gersard's death Archduchess Carlotta could have sent me back. Upon her death, Archduchess Esera could have decided there was no longer need for her brother's widow and sent me back to my grandfather, but neither did and for that small piece of mercy I owe my existence.
I was a young woman then, who's entire life till that point was lived within shadows and carefully arranged moments, and suddenly I was asked my opinion of matters. Mine. I no longer had to pretend they were those of another in hopes they would be taken seriously. Recognition for my ideas was something that I had never experienced before, and now I was able to write my own name on missives and plans, and I cried over such a small thing I never knew how badly I needed before that. If anyone tells you that a name is but a name, they are lying because a name is everything. As time went on each mask that I clung to for survival was allowed to slip and shatter, and slowly I picked up those pieces and found my own reflection in the mirror. It was a terrifying thing, to have hidden yourself so completely that you must learn who you even are just as you are attempting to navigate an entirely new world. It took time but I learned who I was, I learned the sound of my own voice and the power within it, and vowed then that I would die before I ever allowed anyone to force me to hide again and I would take everyone with me in the process.
So you see, when people say I was not born Lycene that is not right. My mother was of House Thrax and my father was of House Redrain, but Jaenelle Velenosa nee Thrax was most definitely born in the Lyceum and no one will ever convince me otherwise. This is my home, this is my family and those are my people and I will die before I allow any harm to come to them.
Written By Jaenelle
Dec. 29, 2023, 10:38 p.m.(6/17/1021 AR)
Relationship Note on Leona
I am so sorry.
Written By Jaenelle
Dec. 8, 2023, 4:27 p.m.(5/3/1021 AR)
Relationship Note on Leona
Leona,
Let it not be said that the siblings I choose do not have wonderful qualities befitting the siblings I was born with. Lord Cillian gave his life valiantly to save others. Countless others due to his bravery. I don't believe you've ever met your replacement, but I am certain without a trace of doubt that you would be just as proud as I am to have known the man and his sacrifice. I will now miss both of you for however long it is till we meet once more.
Though my children are too old for such, I have kept the baby blanket that you made for Vittore when he was born with all the fantastical creatures on it. It inspired me a very long time ago to see if we could craft our version of spidersilk. It was quite successful, though it was never meant to end with simple cloth. While it is nothing like your own work, lacking the beautiful vinework that accompanies anything you've woven, I did manage to use spidersilk to make sails with. It was the Nox'alfar sails that I saw all those years ago that started the itch, and the goal was finally completed not too long ago. Each Ducal house was gifted the sails to fit on the caravel the fealty worked towards getting each house years ago. I hope these ships open doors that were closed before, and I hope the Lyceum benefits from the faster sailing vessels. It was exhausting, and when we see one another perhaps you can give me a few tricks.
I suppose you of all people would not be surprised at the state of the world. You always knew the horrors that were coming. You faced your own at another time, again and again without hesitation. I wish I were more like you sometimes, with your headstrong determination and unwavering strength in all that is good. It is hard to hold onto that sometimes, the good. I have faith in the people around me. I have trust in those who stand beside me. I know despite my worries and bouts of uncertainty that when the moment comes we will be ready. Sometimes I wish we simply didn't need to be. I don't know if I will be here when you return, and that has to be okay for both of us. We knew that one day I would not and you would have to continue your journey. I think it's better this way, to be honest. My biggest fear is being forgotten. but I know that after I am gone I will always remain in your thoughts and memories so I suppose I can be at peace with this knowledge. One day, much like you showed me a cherished moment of the past, you will show someone else one of ours.
I love you as only your twin could. Be safe, and return to Arx soon.
Jaenelle
Let it not be said that the siblings I choose do not have wonderful qualities befitting the siblings I was born with. Lord Cillian gave his life valiantly to save others. Countless others due to his bravery. I don't believe you've ever met your replacement, but I am certain without a trace of doubt that you would be just as proud as I am to have known the man and his sacrifice. I will now miss both of you for however long it is till we meet once more.
Though my children are too old for such, I have kept the baby blanket that you made for Vittore when he was born with all the fantastical creatures on it. It inspired me a very long time ago to see if we could craft our version of spidersilk. It was quite successful, though it was never meant to end with simple cloth. While it is nothing like your own work, lacking the beautiful vinework that accompanies anything you've woven, I did manage to use spidersilk to make sails with. It was the Nox'alfar sails that I saw all those years ago that started the itch, and the goal was finally completed not too long ago. Each Ducal house was gifted the sails to fit on the caravel the fealty worked towards getting each house years ago. I hope these ships open doors that were closed before, and I hope the Lyceum benefits from the faster sailing vessels. It was exhausting, and when we see one another perhaps you can give me a few tricks.
I suppose you of all people would not be surprised at the state of the world. You always knew the horrors that were coming. You faced your own at another time, again and again without hesitation. I wish I were more like you sometimes, with your headstrong determination and unwavering strength in all that is good. It is hard to hold onto that sometimes, the good. I have faith in the people around me. I have trust in those who stand beside me. I know despite my worries and bouts of uncertainty that when the moment comes we will be ready. Sometimes I wish we simply didn't need to be. I don't know if I will be here when you return, and that has to be okay for both of us. We knew that one day I would not and you would have to continue your journey. I think it's better this way, to be honest. My biggest fear is being forgotten. but I know that after I am gone I will always remain in your thoughts and memories so I suppose I can be at peace with this knowledge. One day, much like you showed me a cherished moment of the past, you will show someone else one of ours.
I love you as only your twin could. Be safe, and return to Arx soon.
Jaenelle
Written By Jaenelle
Nov. 26, 2023, 8:11 p.m.(4/7/1021 AR)
I have decided that the next fealty project will be to create something that will leave a lasting impression. There have bee. So many different ideas from all the domains, and I can not wait to assist with each of them.
Written By Jaenelle
Oct. 12, 2023, 9:19 p.m.(1/1/1021 AR)
Relationship Note on Leona
Leona,
I thought you would be happy to hear I have replaced you with Lord Cillian. Both of our twins are off doing things without us, so we felt it best to team up here in Arx and be each other's replacement twin. It is working out wonderfully, though I do admit I need to set up Thursday morning breakfasts with him as we used to do. I am sure the chef in the King's Own tower won't be too upset when we arrive. I have perfected the pout enough to atleast get us a dozen pastries.
We shall be 38 this year? 37? It seems as if each year older is just like the last. Especially after you left and I was forced to celebrate alone. Granted you did surprise me that one year and it might have been my favorite surprise ever. Much better than the year you gifted me a rug. I never actually asked why you gave me a rug, but it still rests on the floor of my chambers. You'll also be happy to know that the Whirlpool came to Lenosia for a bit before venturing off once more. I hope that the time spent in the south gave it some much needed rest and self reflection. He wasn't sad anymore at least, so that will always be a win in my book.
The entry can't be completely happy, nothing in life is, and I know if I didn't write at least one troubling thing you'd give me a look that without words speaks everything. The city has been threatened. I know you love her, and I know this news would ignite something inside you that no one should witness, but please remember your love for humanity as well. Know that we are doing our best to see that she stands and endures as she alway has. Keep your faith. Please.
I suppose I should also say that I will do my best to survive whatever dangers may come. It has not always been easy to do so, but I know how angry my death would make you and I would rather not experience that. You are the intimidating one, after all. If I die ill be late to your return to Arx and I do hate to be late for anything.
Come home soon, you are so very missed.
I thought you would be happy to hear I have replaced you with Lord Cillian. Both of our twins are off doing things without us, so we felt it best to team up here in Arx and be each other's replacement twin. It is working out wonderfully, though I do admit I need to set up Thursday morning breakfasts with him as we used to do. I am sure the chef in the King's Own tower won't be too upset when we arrive. I have perfected the pout enough to atleast get us a dozen pastries.
We shall be 38 this year? 37? It seems as if each year older is just like the last. Especially after you left and I was forced to celebrate alone. Granted you did surprise me that one year and it might have been my favorite surprise ever. Much better than the year you gifted me a rug. I never actually asked why you gave me a rug, but it still rests on the floor of my chambers. You'll also be happy to know that the Whirlpool came to Lenosia for a bit before venturing off once more. I hope that the time spent in the south gave it some much needed rest and self reflection. He wasn't sad anymore at least, so that will always be a win in my book.
The entry can't be completely happy, nothing in life is, and I know if I didn't write at least one troubling thing you'd give me a look that without words speaks everything. The city has been threatened. I know you love her, and I know this news would ignite something inside you that no one should witness, but please remember your love for humanity as well. Know that we are doing our best to see that she stands and endures as she alway has. Keep your faith. Please.
I suppose I should also say that I will do my best to survive whatever dangers may come. It has not always been easy to do so, but I know how angry my death would make you and I would rather not experience that. You are the intimidating one, after all. If I die ill be late to your return to Arx and I do hate to be late for anything.
Come home soon, you are so very missed.
Written By Jaenelle
March 16, 2023, 5:09 p.m.(6/16/1019 AR)
Donato came to me last night before bed. He had been reading a book, the plot revolving around someone going on a quest. He decided he wanted a quest of his own. Naturally I gave him a list of things the college might need for salves and balms, perfumes and potions. When everything is collected he will visit Auda and Medeia to continue his studies of putting it all to good use.
Written By Jaenelle
Feb. 27, 2023, 5:11 p.m.(5/10/1019 AR)
Relationship Note on Leona
Leona,
While you cross my mind daily, it is often around our birthday I think of you even more so. I suppose being twins I feel your departure more so as it has always been us against them for as long as we have been here and without you they seem to loom larger than before. I already know what you would say to that as I hear it in my head as if you were to have spoken it aloud. My answer is I'm not, I know, I can't. Worry not about the spark.
I am sure you have heard about Dagon by now. We both know there are moments in life where you turn down a road and there is no way to return where you came from. The decisions we make will find a conclusion whether we are prepared for such or not, the consequences of our own making waiting for us at the end. I made peace with his decisions when they were spoken, knowing that what happened in the dining room all those years ago when I was covered in his blood would finally play out and the outcome would not be in his favor. Still, I cried when I heard he died, I cried for the bright eyed young man he was when he, Valerius, and I sat on the grounds of the Thrax estate with a bottle of wine and no glasses and talked about the future. None of this was mentioned then. Neither of them are still here.
Stop saving the world and come home, I miss you.
Jaenelle
While you cross my mind daily, it is often around our birthday I think of you even more so. I suppose being twins I feel your departure more so as it has always been us against them for as long as we have been here and without you they seem to loom larger than before. I already know what you would say to that as I hear it in my head as if you were to have spoken it aloud. My answer is I'm not, I know, I can't. Worry not about the spark.
I am sure you have heard about Dagon by now. We both know there are moments in life where you turn down a road and there is no way to return where you came from. The decisions we make will find a conclusion whether we are prepared for such or not, the consequences of our own making waiting for us at the end. I made peace with his decisions when they were spoken, knowing that what happened in the dining room all those years ago when I was covered in his blood would finally play out and the outcome would not be in his favor. Still, I cried when I heard he died, I cried for the bright eyed young man he was when he, Valerius, and I sat on the grounds of the Thrax estate with a bottle of wine and no glasses and talked about the future. None of this was mentioned then. Neither of them are still here.
Stop saving the world and come home, I miss you.
Jaenelle
Written By Jaenelle
Aug. 21, 2022, 7:04 p.m.(3/27/1018 AR)
It is always a treat to watch those who have never experienced a feast do so for the first time. It is equally so to witness those who return time and time again for the next. It is certainly an adventure unlike many, and it is encouraging to hear that I have done well in picking out the pairings. I will never admit that it can take weeks of selection to find who may compliment whom, and will allow people to think it is an easy thing I do with my eyes closed and a few tossed darts.
Written By Jaenelle
Aug. 19, 2022, 8:47 a.m.(3/22/1018 AR)
Relationship Note on Leona
Leona,
Two more you have not met, though I am certain some how you know and love them as much as I do. I can only hope that they form a connection as we had, though I hope they will never struggle as we had or that their lives never know such sadness so soon. They have so many watching over them, that I have no fear they will not know how cherished they are as they grow. Vittore shares the blanket you gave him, as he did with Ariadne, though he is working out the logistics with two. Each time it is swaddled around one of my children I feel a sense of comfort for they are protected like no other, for even being so far you are here with them.
Vittore is serious, very much his father's son though he was still very young when Ettore passed. Each time I look into his golden eyes I am reminded that he left this piece of him behind. His light. He was a flawed man, though far to stubborn to have admitted such in public, but aren't we all? I no longer find myself angry at him, or his struggles. I no longer believe I could have done more, or that I was some how lacking. I no longer believe there was a single moment in which a change of decisions could have altered the outcome. Choice is a powerful thing, we both know that.
Our birthday is approaching again, and allow me to tell you I did not expect our lives to look like this. I know it's difficult to know where you are so sending your present as I had done so in the past is almost impossible, so I will do something to honor you and then next we see one another I will make you feel incredible guilty over it. Like how the last time you were in the city you didn't come to see me. Your twin sister. I may never recover from this. You are the worst. You know what, I've changed my mind, you don't deserve a birthday present.
I know you are safe, doing whatever it is you are currently doing, and when you read this as I know somehow you will, know you are missed and loved with every strand of this life and the ones before it (judgement is still out if I will in the next, you are terrible).
Return home soon.
Two more you have not met, though I am certain some how you know and love them as much as I do. I can only hope that they form a connection as we had, though I hope they will never struggle as we had or that their lives never know such sadness so soon. They have so many watching over them, that I have no fear they will not know how cherished they are as they grow. Vittore shares the blanket you gave him, as he did with Ariadne, though he is working out the logistics with two. Each time it is swaddled around one of my children I feel a sense of comfort for they are protected like no other, for even being so far you are here with them.
Vittore is serious, very much his father's son though he was still very young when Ettore passed. Each time I look into his golden eyes I am reminded that he left this piece of him behind. His light. He was a flawed man, though far to stubborn to have admitted such in public, but aren't we all? I no longer find myself angry at him, or his struggles. I no longer believe I could have done more, or that I was some how lacking. I no longer believe there was a single moment in which a change of decisions could have altered the outcome. Choice is a powerful thing, we both know that.
Our birthday is approaching again, and allow me to tell you I did not expect our lives to look like this. I know it's difficult to know where you are so sending your present as I had done so in the past is almost impossible, so I will do something to honor you and then next we see one another I will make you feel incredible guilty over it. Like how the last time you were in the city you didn't come to see me. Your twin sister. I may never recover from this. You are the worst. You know what, I've changed my mind, you don't deserve a birthday present.
I know you are safe, doing whatever it is you are currently doing, and when you read this as I know somehow you will, know you are missed and loved with every strand of this life and the ones before it (judgement is still out if I will in the next, you are terrible).
Return home soon.
Written By Jaenelle
Aug. 15, 2022, 11:27 a.m.(3/14/1018 AR)
Sometimes you get a nagging feeling. Something is different or off or not quite as it should be, and yet you are unable to place exactly what it is that is unbalanced. I woke up this morning with that feeling. I suppose as I piece through the world to find out the cause of the heaviness, I should update my will.
Written By Jaenelle
Aug. 7, 2022, 11:03 a.m.(2/26/1018 AR)
Relationship Note on Victus
I think about them often. I hope they would be proud of us.
Written By Jaenelle
June 12, 2022, 10:27 p.m.(10/25/1017 AR)
I hope you are not waiting...
for I am not the same.
The person you knew then is buried,
and for that, I feel no shame.
Life has moved on without you,
the truth is hard to bear.
The memories left between us,
is all that's left to share.
The road was long and painful,
to find where I belong.
I trust in where it has taken me,
that the journey was not wrong.
Be happy for my story,
though it is only half done.
Be proud of your daughter,
and the person she's become.
for I am not the same.
The person you knew then is buried,
and for that, I feel no shame.
Life has moved on without you,
the truth is hard to bear.
The memories left between us,
is all that's left to share.
The road was long and painful,
to find where I belong.
I trust in where it has taken me,
that the journey was not wrong.
Be happy for my story,
though it is only half done.
Be proud of your daughter,
and the person she's become.
Written By Jaenelle
June 5, 2022, 10:03 p.m.(10/11/1017 AR)
It is not your job to make others like you. It is your job to allow them to see you for who you are and make a educated judgment. But that does not mean you must always be terrible.
Written By Jaenelle
June 5, 2022, 6:01 p.m.(10/11/1017 AR)
Greed causes even the weakest of people to look far more incompetent than normal. If you are going to allow Greed to dictate your actions, at least create a safety net when the inevitable happens and you find yourself lacking. Do yourself a favor and plan ahead for there will be no sympathy of a safety room provided by others when you fall.
Written By Jaenelle
May 15, 2022, 10:01 p.m.(8/25/1017 AR)
Like I need someone else to provide bad ideas and choices. I do that all on my own well enough, thank you.
Written By Jaenelle
April 7, 2022, 1:45 p.m.(6/4/1017 AR)
Relationship Note on Ida
What if I pay you not to make anymore daggers instead?
Written By Jaenelle
March 6, 2022, 8:28 p.m.(3/25/1017 AR)
Another feast well done, and hope that those who were paired remain friends for many years to come.
Written By Jaenelle
Feb. 22, 2022, 1:40 p.m.(2/28/1017 AR)
Have you ever been informed of a rumor involving yourself that seems equal parts wildly amusing and extremely perplexing all wrapped up with an insulting bow? I am not sure how anyone would be able to say it with a straight face and truly believe any piece of it is remotely plausible. We are better than this.
Written By Jaenelle
Feb. 20, 2022, 10:14 p.m.(2/25/1017 AR)
While I can't remember the last time I swung a pillow at someone else's head, I can safely say that I would do so again. Princess Keely is a talented hostess and I have found the events I have attended to be enjoyable. I hope to be able to cohost some events with her in the future.
Written By Jaenelle
Feb. 20, 2022, 9:36 p.m.(2/25/1017 AR)
It feels as if the reinforcement project has so many moving parts that it is almost impossible to bring them all together. Another meeting down, though there are still more to go as I speak to each house regarding the plans forward. Almost two years it has taken me to get to this point, and while I hope to see it to completion, I have yet to come up with my next Lycene project to replace it.
Please note that the scholars may take some time preparing your journal for others to read.