Written By Sunaia
June 3, 2020, 10:47 a.m.(5/28/1013 AR)
Relationship Note on Tikva
It's not easy living in the shadow of two brothers and a sister - all famous (or infamous) for their deeds. And yet, want to - somehow - embrace all of this life: All of what I feel and am.
Addison was wrong in what he did. It's a fact I don't deny - and I'm shamed by this brother's actions.
Killian took the choice from Tolamar Brand to destroy the world and saved us all. That's another fact I don't deny - and am more than proud of.
And Avary, joined the Faith and became Archlector to The Sentinel. We've not spoken in years. Yet, another undeniable fact. I miss having a blood sister I might talk to about all of this.
I am, regardless of my feelings, regardless of all other facts, sister to all. And I, for reasons of my own, also went in my own way, my own direction - and I missed great swaths of time with each, in which I might have known them better.
We can't change the choices of our ancestors. We can't change the choices we've made in the past. I wonder if we can even change our feelings about all of that, without knowing more. I do know that we'll never be what anyone else expects us to be, no matter what judgements anyone place on us; no matter what expectations may be had. Yes, we'll be disappointed, at times, with the choices others make - particularly if we love them. But the respect of choice matters most, to me; and the acknowledgement of truths; and the protection of those I love.
This makes my feelings complicated, though it changes nothing of the truth of any actions.
If I could, I'd look Addison in the eye and ask him why he did what he did. I'd ask Killian, too; and Avary - because I want to understand them all. I'd rather know their reasons, so I can better judge with my heart and mind - and maybe I wouldn't be so conflicted.
For now, I have very mixed emotions about it all. I would rather not to be disappointed - or mistaken - by expressing those feelings openly.
Addison was wrong in what he did. It's a fact I don't deny - and I'm shamed by this brother's actions.
Killian took the choice from Tolamar Brand to destroy the world and saved us all. That's another fact I don't deny - and am more than proud of.
And Avary, joined the Faith and became Archlector to The Sentinel. We've not spoken in years. Yet, another undeniable fact. I miss having a blood sister I might talk to about all of this.
I am, regardless of my feelings, regardless of all other facts, sister to all. And I, for reasons of my own, also went in my own way, my own direction - and I missed great swaths of time with each, in which I might have known them better.
We can't change the choices of our ancestors. We can't change the choices we've made in the past. I wonder if we can even change our feelings about all of that, without knowing more. I do know that we'll never be what anyone else expects us to be, no matter what judgements anyone place on us; no matter what expectations may be had. Yes, we'll be disappointed, at times, with the choices others make - particularly if we love them. But the respect of choice matters most, to me; and the acknowledgement of truths; and the protection of those I love.
This makes my feelings complicated, though it changes nothing of the truth of any actions.
If I could, I'd look Addison in the eye and ask him why he did what he did. I'd ask Killian, too; and Avary - because I want to understand them all. I'd rather know their reasons, so I can better judge with my heart and mind - and maybe I wouldn't be so conflicted.
For now, I have very mixed emotions about it all. I would rather not to be disappointed - or mistaken - by expressing those feelings openly.
Written By Sunaia
June 2, 2020, 5:54 p.m.(5/26/1013 AR)
Honestly, I'm looking forward to the upcoming trip - though I have a number of things to do before I head home to see Mother. And, of course, I've taken on yet another task before I go, since being busy seems to ground me.
Sleep beckons me in a pleasant way. I think I'm finally exhausting myself, with all of my various projects; my mind is just too busy to be concerned with what dreams may come.
I likely need to talk with Killian before I return to Ashford Keep. ...Yes, I know he's not around, but sometimes, it's just for me. And maybe he can hear me. When I return home, I'll talk with Mother about making skulls for Father and Killian, to put in the Shrine to the Queen of Endings. I might make one for Addison, too, and keep it in my own belongings, since there are surely those who would be offended that I pay tribute to my eldest brother, considering all that happened. But I remember him differently than it seems everyone does. We weren't close, but he looked after me when I was young; and he was still my brother, still my family. I can't hate him in the same ways that Killian did; Addison simply didn't treat me in the same ways as he did Killian. Probably because I was so young, I'd guess.
...What was Addison like to me? Oh, well. He was protective of me, of course - aren't all brothers like that with their baby sisters? ...They're not? I can't imagine, honestly. He wanted me to grow up strong and confident - as I did. He worried for me when I cried and was afraid; he couldn't understand why I was so afraid. He told me to pray to Jayus before I slept and thank him for my dreams, since Addison believed they were gifts, no matter how terribly frightening they were for me. And he would pray over me, with me, trying to help me remember my place in the world. How could I not love him? Of course, I loved him. It's surprising to me that so few remember this side of my brother - or maybe, they just didn't know him as I do. ...Did.
Family is everything. And justice is being balanced: Punishing the evil and accepting that it exists, but it's just as imbalanced to forget the good and presume everything in a person is bad because they make some mistake or go down some dark path. Addison... I don't understand what happened to him, really. I don't know how he wound up going down the path he did. Killian and so many others felt - and feel - such ill towards him. There has to be someone to balance all of that, in the world. Maybe I'm the only one left who does, though I think Mother - for all the pain it likely causes her - stands with me. I know Father was proud of him, believed in Addison - perhaps mistakenly. Honestly... I was gone during all of that. I just heard that he was gone, that the king was in some strange state and it wasn't until years later that I learned my eldest brother was deemed to be responsible. The shock sent me into the woods; I ran away for weeks, horrified and confused.
...Yes, I'm okay. It just stings, still - all of the confusion. And knowing I'll never truly know what happened.
But, he's my brother; and I'll stand as the balance, for him. Because, as I've been reminded before: Not everything is as simple as it seems.
...Oh. Yes, mmm... I don't really remember if there was more I wanted to put into this entry. I think that's all, for now. Thank you for your time.
Sleep beckons me in a pleasant way. I think I'm finally exhausting myself, with all of my various projects; my mind is just too busy to be concerned with what dreams may come.
I likely need to talk with Killian before I return to Ashford Keep. ...Yes, I know he's not around, but sometimes, it's just for me. And maybe he can hear me. When I return home, I'll talk with Mother about making skulls for Father and Killian, to put in the Shrine to the Queen of Endings. I might make one for Addison, too, and keep it in my own belongings, since there are surely those who would be offended that I pay tribute to my eldest brother, considering all that happened. But I remember him differently than it seems everyone does. We weren't close, but he looked after me when I was young; and he was still my brother, still my family. I can't hate him in the same ways that Killian did; Addison simply didn't treat me in the same ways as he did Killian. Probably because I was so young, I'd guess.
...What was Addison like to me? Oh, well. He was protective of me, of course - aren't all brothers like that with their baby sisters? ...They're not? I can't imagine, honestly. He wanted me to grow up strong and confident - as I did. He worried for me when I cried and was afraid; he couldn't understand why I was so afraid. He told me to pray to Jayus before I slept and thank him for my dreams, since Addison believed they were gifts, no matter how terribly frightening they were for me. And he would pray over me, with me, trying to help me remember my place in the world. How could I not love him? Of course, I loved him. It's surprising to me that so few remember this side of my brother - or maybe, they just didn't know him as I do. ...Did.
Family is everything. And justice is being balanced: Punishing the evil and accepting that it exists, but it's just as imbalanced to forget the good and presume everything in a person is bad because they make some mistake or go down some dark path. Addison... I don't understand what happened to him, really. I don't know how he wound up going down the path he did. Killian and so many others felt - and feel - such ill towards him. There has to be someone to balance all of that, in the world. Maybe I'm the only one left who does, though I think Mother - for all the pain it likely causes her - stands with me. I know Father was proud of him, believed in Addison - perhaps mistakenly. Honestly... I was gone during all of that. I just heard that he was gone, that the king was in some strange state and it wasn't until years later that I learned my eldest brother was deemed to be responsible. The shock sent me into the woods; I ran away for weeks, horrified and confused.
...Yes, I'm okay. It just stings, still - all of the confusion. And knowing I'll never truly know what happened.
But, he's my brother; and I'll stand as the balance, for him. Because, as I've been reminded before: Not everything is as simple as it seems.
...Oh. Yes, mmm... I don't really remember if there was more I wanted to put into this entry. I think that's all, for now. Thank you for your time.
Written By Sunaia
May 31, 2020, 10:29 p.m.(5/22/1013 AR)
Relationship Note on Ian
I sparred with Lord Ian Kennex. ...No, I don't regret it; but, if you know him well enough to know that I, perhaps, should, you'll understand why I'm limping. He didn't hit me hard; but every single strike seemed planned - as if to strike in exactly the spot that would level me. I'm not used to being beaten by someone who just stands there, making me do all the work to try to get in. And paying for it doubly, since he wore me out more than men I've sparred with who also move about on the sands.
I've asked for lessons. Gratefully, he's agreed, saying that my level head is to my benefit. I can't express how much that means to me, quite frankly - considering the number of people I've met who think I'm odd for not having an ill temperament or becoming angry.
...No. In fact, I don't get angry, for all the passion I have regarding many things. I cry; I howl; I evoke my sorrows -- but, no, Scholar; I don't get angry, not like most people I've seen. It's a waste, to do so, and I don't think it would serve me at all.
It's easier without it, actually. And I'm sure it's what helps me to stay on my feet.
I've asked for lessons. Gratefully, he's agreed, saying that my level head is to my benefit. I can't express how much that means to me, quite frankly - considering the number of people I've met who think I'm odd for not having an ill temperament or becoming angry.
...No. In fact, I don't get angry, for all the passion I have regarding many things. I cry; I howl; I evoke my sorrows -- but, no, Scholar; I don't get angry, not like most people I've seen. It's a waste, to do so, and I don't think it would serve me at all.
It's easier without it, actually. And I'm sure it's what helps me to stay on my feet.
Written By Sunaia
May 12, 2020, 5:54 p.m.(4/12/1013 AR)
Relationship Note on Tyrus
Few people, with so few words, have done so much.
Twice.
When a howl of pain can be heard from so far away, when sound does not even need to be carried by the wind nor words formed for one to hear -- and answer with near-immediacy --
There is no doubt:
This is a true friend.
Twice.
When a howl of pain can be heard from so far away, when sound does not even need to be carried by the wind nor words formed for one to hear -- and answer with near-immediacy --
There is no doubt:
This is a true friend.
Written By Sunaia
May 10, 2020, 9:23 a.m.(4/7/1013 AR)
Relationship Note on Avary
I know I haven't spoken to my sister in so very long; and I don't blame her for that. It's as much my responsibility for not reaching out to her as hers for not reaching out to me. I'm sure she has her reasons
But, I do wish that, if you would, if you see her, Scholar: Would you please guide her to this entry? Maybe she'll read it and will realize that I need her and accept her choices, that I want to be family again.
I don't know how to tolerate deceit, Avary. I don't understand the need in personal relationships, particularly. That's not to say that I think all things should be open to everyone; but certain things, absolutely - in specific relationships.
The lingering issue pressing on my mind is this:
Though we can trust and offer trust, there is no way that I can see for how to both offer trust and ensure a just relationship will come from it. The few close relationships I have that are bound in trust came over such long periods of time, with people who have proved to me without ever trying to do so that I could trust in them, with only one exception - maybe two.
Is it just a necessity to accept that some people who are given the means to hurt us will, inevitably, hurt us despite our trust in them? Maybe it's just this that I should learn: Every person is different, will treat the trust we give differently.
That's a very liberating thought.
But, I do wish that, if you would, if you see her, Scholar: Would you please guide her to this entry? Maybe she'll read it and will realize that I need her and accept her choices, that I want to be family again.
I don't know how to tolerate deceit, Avary. I don't understand the need in personal relationships, particularly. That's not to say that I think all things should be open to everyone; but certain things, absolutely - in specific relationships.
The lingering issue pressing on my mind is this:
Though we can trust and offer trust, there is no way that I can see for how to both offer trust and ensure a just relationship will come from it. The few close relationships I have that are bound in trust came over such long periods of time, with people who have proved to me without ever trying to do so that I could trust in them, with only one exception - maybe two.
Is it just a necessity to accept that some people who are given the means to hurt us will, inevitably, hurt us despite our trust in them? Maybe it's just this that I should learn: Every person is different, will treat the trust we give differently.
That's a very liberating thought.
Written By Sunaia
May 3, 2020, 7:14 a.m.(3/21/1013 AR)
Relationship Note on Kutazer
I like him for Rhiannon; he's a good choice.
Anyone who insists he'll be there, wherever his wife is, no matter what dangers she wants to get into? He's a good Ashford and a good man, a good husband.
I think we're going to have a lot of fun exploring: Rhia, Kutazer and me. Though, I'm not so sure about the Isles, anymore.
Anyone who insists he'll be there, wherever his wife is, no matter what dangers she wants to get into? He's a good Ashford and a good man, a good husband.
I think we're going to have a lot of fun exploring: Rhia, Kutazer and me. Though, I'm not so sure about the Isles, anymore.
Written By Sunaia
May 3, 2020, 7:11 a.m.(3/21/1013 AR)
It's very interesting to me when I find a true friend.
How do I know when I find one? Because they listen.
I think I found two this week - maybe three, but definitely at least two; and I reunited with another one.
And I'm not so alone, anymore.
How do I know when I find one? Because they listen.
I think I found two this week - maybe three, but definitely at least two; and I reunited with another one.
And I'm not so alone, anymore.
Written By Sunaia
April 29, 2020, 2:11 p.m.(3/14/1013 AR)
Memories are sometimes not all that they seem to be -- and I don't mean that they're not accurate, because they bloody well can be accurate, in frightening detail, sometimes. Often, even.
However:
The past is that, exactly. And a VERY wise and wonderful woman who is meaningful to me beyond everything happened to tell me something that changed my life. Yes, just like that: It changed my life.
She said:
"Half the time people are traveling just to get somewhere." She said people are so focused on their destinations, deciding what they'll find, caught up in their ideas of what -might- be there, or what they -want- to be there that they don't see what's actually there.
I think that's pretty wise.
But then, she said something else to us that stuck with me, and I can hear it over and over in my mind, like an echo:
"Sometimes the past leaves a mark. And it's definitely worth learning from the past -- but we shouldn't ever let it define us. People are a little too prone to not just -learning- from the past, but letting it define them. Sometimes, the past is a little bit -much-, and it's freeing to just step away from it. To define -now-, rather than standing in the shadow of -then-."
And that's the best echo that I've heard in the longest time. Yes, I know, others have tried to say the same things to me in different ways -- but there's something about the right timing, about the right place -- about a sudden, unexpected meeting or discovery that you -NEVER- in your whole life would have expected. -EVER-.
And so, it sticks. And it stuck with me.
L.G.: I owe you my life in more ways that I can think. If you happen to ever read this:
You saved me. I feel alive, in a way I haven't felt in longer than I can remember.
And you didn't even use a sword, this time.
(Though, I -SAW- it! It's really, REALLY beautiful. And with the best person I could think of holding it for you.)
However:
The past is that, exactly. And a VERY wise and wonderful woman who is meaningful to me beyond everything happened to tell me something that changed my life. Yes, just like that: It changed my life.
She said:
"Half the time people are traveling just to get somewhere." She said people are so focused on their destinations, deciding what they'll find, caught up in their ideas of what -might- be there, or what they -want- to be there that they don't see what's actually there.
I think that's pretty wise.
But then, she said something else to us that stuck with me, and I can hear it over and over in my mind, like an echo:
"Sometimes the past leaves a mark. And it's definitely worth learning from the past -- but we shouldn't ever let it define us. People are a little too prone to not just -learning- from the past, but letting it define them. Sometimes, the past is a little bit -much-, and it's freeing to just step away from it. To define -now-, rather than standing in the shadow of -then-."
And that's the best echo that I've heard in the longest time. Yes, I know, others have tried to say the same things to me in different ways -- but there's something about the right timing, about the right place -- about a sudden, unexpected meeting or discovery that you -NEVER- in your whole life would have expected. -EVER-.
And so, it sticks. And it stuck with me.
L.G.: I owe you my life in more ways that I can think. If you happen to ever read this:
You saved me. I feel alive, in a way I haven't felt in longer than I can remember.
And you didn't even use a sword, this time.
(Though, I -SAW- it! It's really, REALLY beautiful. And with the best person I could think of holding it for you.)
Written By Sunaia
April 19, 2020, 4:17 p.m.(2/22/1013 AR)
Relationship Note on Avary
Having finished reading Killian's white journals, I've turned next to Avary's - as you know, scholar.
It's interesting to read her thoughts written upon vellum when I haven't had the faintest idea of what might be going on in her mind during my entire life. She's been an impassive, silent force - and, though she is the Archlector of the Sentinel, I haven't felt myself to be under her watchful gaze at all; I've felt, rather, so distant, so hidden from her view that it's as if I didn't even exist to her at all. But, that's what she wanted, isn't it?
She has a brilliant mind, of course; and, if it is that to which I am compared, when others say I'm like her, then I'm honestly humbled and honored. Though, I'm more certain it has to do with the fact that they simply don't know me well.
It's interesting to read her thoughts written upon vellum when I haven't had the faintest idea of what might be going on in her mind during my entire life. She's been an impassive, silent force - and, though she is the Archlector of the Sentinel, I haven't felt myself to be under her watchful gaze at all; I've felt, rather, so distant, so hidden from her view that it's as if I didn't even exist to her at all. But, that's what she wanted, isn't it?
She has a brilliant mind, of course; and, if it is that to which I am compared, when others say I'm like her, then I'm honestly humbled and honored. Though, I'm more certain it has to do with the fact that they simply don't know me well.
Written By Sunaia
April 16, 2020, 11:43 p.m.(2/16/1013 AR)
Relationship Note on Killian
"Things spin ever onward, and though we are mired down by the grief which has paralyzed our hearts and stopped our minds from being able to find solutions, even so the world goes on. The darkness approaches, and like nightfall, it will not be delayed or deterred..we must find the flames with which to drive it back before it arrives.
I don't know the path I should take. I don't know what it is the gods would have of me or what it is that I should do. Each thread that i pull just leaves me with more questions than I had before, each path I follow leads to less understanding rather than more.
I need to find someone who can explain, who understands. But there is no one. And I fear that, there is no way I can find either the strength or knowledge necessary before the time is upon us."
- Killian Ashford, Paladin of Ideals
1/1/1006 AR
-------------------
My dearest brother,
Would that I could reach out now, into the past, and reassure you.
Would that I could reach around and hug you, as I did when I was young, and you would smile down at me - and I'd feel like all the world was amazing when I looked into your face, so similar to mine.
Would that I could reach out from this time and tell you just how amazing you are, to tell you of all of what the gods - or you - had in store for you; the people who would love you and speak of you for long years afterwards; the statue that was placed in the Hall of Heroes depicting you. (They didn't get your smile, of course. And someone forgot to tell them that you laughed so often, that you joked with the best of them.)
I wonder what you'd think if you knew that so many people look up to you - and not just because you're now a statue that stands far taller than you did. (You'd have to look up to yourself, now. That would be appropriate, don't you think?)
I've always looked up to you, of course. Even while you were away with the Bislands. Of course, I had an excellent excuse to visit, thanks to Kaia.
Still, it's incredibly reassuring in a strange kind of way that you wrote the entry I've had quoted above not quite two years before you did the very thing *you chose* to do - the very thing that ended in so many people looking up to you in very literal and figurative ways. It wasn't the gods who made the choice for you, even if The Sentinel may have asked it of you. (Did it ask you? I can't help but wonder what its voice sounds like.)
It's reassuring that you were so confused, felt such an urgent need to understand - and yet, such confusion and lack of understanding was never again mentioned in your journals. You write so confidently of so many things. You write so beautifully - and clearly.
So, I can only think that you found what you were looking for, Killian - whether you knew it or not. I hope you knew, when you returned to the Queen of Endings, that what you did was so exceptional. I hope you knew that it was the right thing to do; that you had made the right choices.
And, if I could let you know now (though I'm told repeatedly that I should let you go and not wish so much to speak with you) how much your words mean to ME - your baby sister - and how much your choices have left an impression on my mind and heart and SOUL, such that I feel I can pursue the answers to my own questions, to my own confusion, to my own lack of understanding without faltering in the fear of the worst-possible -- I would. I would do it, just to show you that these bonds we hold, that we've created in this life will hold, life-to-life.
We love you, Killian.
I love you, Killian - for still and always being my favorite brother, and the man I look up to most, with or without the statue in the Hall of Heroes.
I don't know the path I should take. I don't know what it is the gods would have of me or what it is that I should do. Each thread that i pull just leaves me with more questions than I had before, each path I follow leads to less understanding rather than more.
I need to find someone who can explain, who understands. But there is no one. And I fear that, there is no way I can find either the strength or knowledge necessary before the time is upon us."
- Killian Ashford, Paladin of Ideals
1/1/1006 AR
-------------------
My dearest brother,
Would that I could reach out now, into the past, and reassure you.
Would that I could reach around and hug you, as I did when I was young, and you would smile down at me - and I'd feel like all the world was amazing when I looked into your face, so similar to mine.
Would that I could reach out from this time and tell you just how amazing you are, to tell you of all of what the gods - or you - had in store for you; the people who would love you and speak of you for long years afterwards; the statue that was placed in the Hall of Heroes depicting you. (They didn't get your smile, of course. And someone forgot to tell them that you laughed so often, that you joked with the best of them.)
I wonder what you'd think if you knew that so many people look up to you - and not just because you're now a statue that stands far taller than you did. (You'd have to look up to yourself, now. That would be appropriate, don't you think?)
I've always looked up to you, of course. Even while you were away with the Bislands. Of course, I had an excellent excuse to visit, thanks to Kaia.
Still, it's incredibly reassuring in a strange kind of way that you wrote the entry I've had quoted above not quite two years before you did the very thing *you chose* to do - the very thing that ended in so many people looking up to you in very literal and figurative ways. It wasn't the gods who made the choice for you, even if The Sentinel may have asked it of you. (Did it ask you? I can't help but wonder what its voice sounds like.)
It's reassuring that you were so confused, felt such an urgent need to understand - and yet, such confusion and lack of understanding was never again mentioned in your journals. You write so confidently of so many things. You write so beautifully - and clearly.
So, I can only think that you found what you were looking for, Killian - whether you knew it or not. I hope you knew, when you returned to the Queen of Endings, that what you did was so exceptional. I hope you knew that it was the right thing to do; that you had made the right choices.
And, if I could let you know now (though I'm told repeatedly that I should let you go and not wish so much to speak with you) how much your words mean to ME - your baby sister - and how much your choices have left an impression on my mind and heart and SOUL, such that I feel I can pursue the answers to my own questions, to my own confusion, to my own lack of understanding without faltering in the fear of the worst-possible -- I would. I would do it, just to show you that these bonds we hold, that we've created in this life will hold, life-to-life.
We love you, Killian.
I love you, Killian - for still and always being my favorite brother, and the man I look up to most, with or without the statue in the Hall of Heroes.
Written By Sunaia
April 13, 2020, 10:05 a.m.(2/9/1013 AR)
Relationship Note on Killian
I have spent the last number of days here - as you know, Scholar - scouring through and drinking every word of Killian's journals.
He wrote so much! And, aside from what few letters passed between us over the years, I never before truly had grounds for an appraisal of his -style- of writing. He was so gifted in so many ways, so thorough; and his descriptions of his journeys are magnificent -- as beautiful and eloquent as were the tales he would tell.
Perhaps it was that ability to weigh and measure so well, that he had.
I miss him. I miss him all the more, particularly after reading his account of fighting Telmar Brand at the Hall of Heroes with the other Paladins. I had to stop there; I was so inspired after all of this to leave something of who I am for others who may care for me, if something happens.
If there are those reading this, though - while I'm alive or after I'm gone - I highly recommend looking into the journals of those whom you love, if they are gone. One of the Pravus princesses died, I've read; I'm sure that there are many who knew her, who loved her and would take solace in her memory.
It's taken me a while to get the courage to read my brother's words. The ache in me for him has been so strong, particularly lately, as I surge into this self-reflection and attempt to take to heart Brother Felix's advice to -know- myself.
I am your sister, Killian. You wrote that it was those you loved who held you most strongly to yourself when Brand's power was pulling at your mind. I may not have been your favorite - and I know I abandoned you as much as you felt Father did, though you never made me feel that I wasn't loved; you never made me feel guilty for my traveling. I'm sure there are reasons you didn't blame me, though I blame myself for not being around that you could know -me- any better than I truly knew -you-. I hope you and Father settled matters before you both returned to the Queen - or after.
Gods, I miss you both. I love you, both.
...I know, I know. I know, I just... ....
The past is a surf that is already washing over me -- and I can already see the greatest bulk is yet to come.
Maybe, if I cry enough, Scholar, I'll be one with all of that huge wave that's coming, that's going to crash down. And I won't drown.
I'm sorry; I... should get back to my reading.
...Thank you.
He wrote so much! And, aside from what few letters passed between us over the years, I never before truly had grounds for an appraisal of his -style- of writing. He was so gifted in so many ways, so thorough; and his descriptions of his journeys are magnificent -- as beautiful and eloquent as were the tales he would tell.
Perhaps it was that ability to weigh and measure so well, that he had.
I miss him. I miss him all the more, particularly after reading his account of fighting Telmar Brand at the Hall of Heroes with the other Paladins. I had to stop there; I was so inspired after all of this to leave something of who I am for others who may care for me, if something happens.
If there are those reading this, though - while I'm alive or after I'm gone - I highly recommend looking into the journals of those whom you love, if they are gone. One of the Pravus princesses died, I've read; I'm sure that there are many who knew her, who loved her and would take solace in her memory.
It's taken me a while to get the courage to read my brother's words. The ache in me for him has been so strong, particularly lately, as I surge into this self-reflection and attempt to take to heart Brother Felix's advice to -know- myself.
I am your sister, Killian. You wrote that it was those you loved who held you most strongly to yourself when Brand's power was pulling at your mind. I may not have been your favorite - and I know I abandoned you as much as you felt Father did, though you never made me feel that I wasn't loved; you never made me feel guilty for my traveling. I'm sure there are reasons you didn't blame me, though I blame myself for not being around that you could know -me- any better than I truly knew -you-. I hope you and Father settled matters before you both returned to the Queen - or after.
Gods, I miss you both. I love you, both.
...I know, I know. I know, I just... ....
The past is a surf that is already washing over me -- and I can already see the greatest bulk is yet to come.
Maybe, if I cry enough, Scholar, I'll be one with all of that huge wave that's coming, that's going to crash down. And I won't drown.
I'm sorry; I... should get back to my reading.
...Thank you.
Written By Sunaia
April 10, 2020, 12:12 p.m.(2/3/1013 AR)
Relationship Note on Tibault
...And then, there was the year I had decided I was going to Setarco; I think I was just months from being seventeen. He swore to me he wouldn't let me go, said he'd put an order at the docks and forbid them from letting me set foot there. Said he'd put a tax for a year on any ship that put me on it. Of course, by then, everyone who mattered knew who I was, that I was an Ashford and he owed fealty to us, so I was able to find a Setarcan ship heading there and I paid them enough that I could board.
I left him a note before I left; told him that, when I came back, I'd be seventeen and it would be well into summer. I suggested that we celebrate by going pearl diving again, just outside of Brighthold.
I returned with Setarco Fire and several bottles of red wine for him, but I'm afraid he was furious with me - though it became increasingly difficult to tell, the older he was. He never yelled; he didn't even look at me oddly, and rather graciously took the bottles of wine and liquor. We sat up all night, drinking wine; I fell asleep on the couch and woke up as I always do: gasping, alone, afraid. I didn't see him, anywhere. I didn't see -anyone-. The entire house was silent -- until I woke everyone up, running around, yelling for Rey and Tibault, crying.
It was still so early in the morning that the birds weren't even calling, yet.
He came out of his study; apparently, I hadn't been the one to wake him. I was so glad he was there. He settled me down, had tea made for me and we talked about my trip.
...Oh, why do I think he was furious? Because. We never did go diving for pearls.
I left him a note before I left; told him that, when I came back, I'd be seventeen and it would be well into summer. I suggested that we celebrate by going pearl diving again, just outside of Brighthold.
I returned with Setarco Fire and several bottles of red wine for him, but I'm afraid he was furious with me - though it became increasingly difficult to tell, the older he was. He never yelled; he didn't even look at me oddly, and rather graciously took the bottles of wine and liquor. We sat up all night, drinking wine; I fell asleep on the couch and woke up as I always do: gasping, alone, afraid. I didn't see him, anywhere. I didn't see -anyone-. The entire house was silent -- until I woke everyone up, running around, yelling for Rey and Tibault, crying.
It was still so early in the morning that the birds weren't even calling, yet.
He came out of his study; apparently, I hadn't been the one to wake him. I was so glad he was there. He settled me down, had tea made for me and we talked about my trip.
...Oh, why do I think he was furious? Because. We never did go diving for pearls.
Written By Sunaia
April 6, 2020, 10:50 p.m.(1/24/1013 AR)
Relationship Note on Tibault
For years, Brighthold was my port-of-call, the place where I passed through most often, both coming and going, from Ashford Keep as I ran across the Compact from one city to another.
Always, Count Tibault was there to welcome me. Of course he would, so loyal to the Ashfords have the Laveers been.
I cannot remember a single time I visited when he was not the most gracious of hosts, even when I'd slip away without saying goodbye, leaving nothing but a note to say which direction I was heading. He'd always welcome me back with a meal and the warmth of his smiles, which I think I took for granted. I'm sure, now, that I did - as I took for granted so many things, so many relationships, in my youth.
On the heels of connecting, at last, with some of the Wyrmguards here in Arx and in remembering the family I've lost, it's Tibault, again - now in Arx - who is a calm, familiar beacon to me.
I look forward to talking with him, spending time with him again - this time, for longer than a few days in passing.
Always, Count Tibault was there to welcome me. Of course he would, so loyal to the Ashfords have the Laveers been.
I cannot remember a single time I visited when he was not the most gracious of hosts, even when I'd slip away without saying goodbye, leaving nothing but a note to say which direction I was heading. He'd always welcome me back with a meal and the warmth of his smiles, which I think I took for granted. I'm sure, now, that I did - as I took for granted so many things, so many relationships, in my youth.
On the heels of connecting, at last, with some of the Wyrmguards here in Arx and in remembering the family I've lost, it's Tibault, again - now in Arx - who is a calm, familiar beacon to me.
I look forward to talking with him, spending time with him again - this time, for longer than a few days in passing.
Written By Sunaia
April 6, 2020, 4:44 a.m.(1/23/1013 AR)
Relationship Note on Killian
I happened upon several of our cousins at the Ambassador Salon, Killian. They're amazing, wonderful - and cousin Sorrel had so many amazing things to tell me of you and your adventures together. 'Murderdogs,' I think she called the beasts you fought together, shortly after meeting when she arrived in Arx. She tells her stories so well, it's like I was there. I love it.
And I love you, miss you fiercely. You'd hardly recognize me, though, I think - even aside from having grown.
I took to reading through some of your journals, which I haven't done before. I don't know why; I just haven't. No, that's entirely untrue: I know exactly why. I wasn't ready, didn't want to read about you as if I couldn't talk to you. But you don't talk back from that huge statue, even when I talk to you. (You don't talk back from the small one I keep in my pocket, either; though that would be quite a trick, wouldn't it?)
Aislin's gone. I'll read her journals next; maybe I can figure out how it is she always managed to befriend everyone she'd meet.
And I'm told I'm like Avary, repeatedly. Mainly by the Godsworn, but they'd know her best. I'm not sure how to take it, though, all things considered.
I'm learning a lot about myself, about others. Learning I can't do everything I might want to do. And I'm not entirely sure if I'm alone or if I'm not, though it matters less, now that I've found the Wyrmguards. I hope it matters less, anyway.
I'm managing, though, to accept that you're gone. There are those responsible for that, in a way, since I've been forced to realize a lot of truths.
Truths, Killian, are all I want anymore: The truth of you; the truth of me; the truths of Addison and Avary and Aislin. And others. And, truthfully, I'd rather be like you. I'd rather be a heroine. I'd rather be someone to admire.
I'm working towards it. But there are so many times when I regret our years apart and I just miss you.
And I love you, miss you fiercely. You'd hardly recognize me, though, I think - even aside from having grown.
I took to reading through some of your journals, which I haven't done before. I don't know why; I just haven't. No, that's entirely untrue: I know exactly why. I wasn't ready, didn't want to read about you as if I couldn't talk to you. But you don't talk back from that huge statue, even when I talk to you. (You don't talk back from the small one I keep in my pocket, either; though that would be quite a trick, wouldn't it?)
Aislin's gone. I'll read her journals next; maybe I can figure out how it is she always managed to befriend everyone she'd meet.
And I'm told I'm like Avary, repeatedly. Mainly by the Godsworn, but they'd know her best. I'm not sure how to take it, though, all things considered.
I'm learning a lot about myself, about others. Learning I can't do everything I might want to do. And I'm not entirely sure if I'm alone or if I'm not, though it matters less, now that I've found the Wyrmguards. I hope it matters less, anyway.
I'm managing, though, to accept that you're gone. There are those responsible for that, in a way, since I've been forced to realize a lot of truths.
Truths, Killian, are all I want anymore: The truth of you; the truth of me; the truths of Addison and Avary and Aislin. And others. And, truthfully, I'd rather be like you. I'd rather be a heroine. I'd rather be someone to admire.
I'm working towards it. But there are so many times when I regret our years apart and I just miss you.
Written By Sunaia
April 6, 2020, 12:46 a.m.(1/22/1013 AR)
Relationship Note on Felix
Gloria, what a beauty is my new weapon! I've never seen its like - neither in form nor in craftsmanship. The iridescite lilies absolutely shine against the alaricite; and the craftsmanship, the detail on the wolf is extraordinary. I'm so proud of it, so proud of my Moonsilver. Felix, too, is so thoughtful; he even managed to carve a detail into the moonstone at the base of the pommel to resemble the Ashford motif.
The priest is a master, truly. Jayus must be proud, extremely proud.
And I have found reason to be happy again.
I simply love it and it will never leave my side.
The priest is a master, truly. Jayus must be proud, extremely proud.
And I have found reason to be happy again.
I simply love it and it will never leave my side.
Written By Sunaia
April 5, 2020, 5:49 p.m.(1/22/1013 AR)
The delirium that comes with both the onset and the loss of love is remarkably similar, in my experience.
Instead of falling in love again, I pray to the gods that I fall into Truth.
I expect and trust it will be, gods willing, more lasting.
Instead of falling in love again, I pray to the gods that I fall into Truth.
I expect and trust it will be, gods willing, more lasting.
Written By Sunaia
April 5, 2020, 2:35 a.m.(1/21/1013 AR)
There are times when I simply cannot breathe the city air. I feel claustrophobic, like the very buildings are closing down on me, like there's too much smoke, particularly in winter. Too many people, even hurrying about to leave the cold air. Too many carriages on the streets, undoubtedly.
In the training yards, lately, are throngs of people. I cannot help but ask myself why - when there are fewer people training than huddled in groups, talking. Surely there are warmer places. Or is it that they plan to train and finish -- or become distracted and never get around to their exercise?
Yes, training in the winter is wonderful. The chill against my hot cheek, the way the cold air and snow soothe so quickly the bruises I earn. The clouded breath before my nose - both of mine and my opponent's. It's a luxury that never comes but during winter - to both see and scent breath as it hangs there.
But, I prefer training in privacy with no more than a few trusted friends or family.
Better still is training in the woods, of course, with no one around but me and those I bring along. The dogs are perfect company for running through the snow. They're better at it, built for it. I do my best. I'll get better.
Yes, there are a million words I'm not writing here, while I'm tucked away in a tent I set myself, near a fire I built, myself. The dogs are sleeping in the corner where I've set the blankets. It's going to be wonderful, tucked between them, with little Ash warming my neck. I swear to all the heavens, after I meditate tonight, I'll be still for a while. I'll sleep with the dogs, and I'll know it's where I belong.
I thank Skald, forever, for our ability to make choices - including going back on certain ones we realize were wrong.
In the training yards, lately, are throngs of people. I cannot help but ask myself why - when there are fewer people training than huddled in groups, talking. Surely there are warmer places. Or is it that they plan to train and finish -- or become distracted and never get around to their exercise?
Yes, training in the winter is wonderful. The chill against my hot cheek, the way the cold air and snow soothe so quickly the bruises I earn. The clouded breath before my nose - both of mine and my opponent's. It's a luxury that never comes but during winter - to both see and scent breath as it hangs there.
But, I prefer training in privacy with no more than a few trusted friends or family.
Better still is training in the woods, of course, with no one around but me and those I bring along. The dogs are perfect company for running through the snow. They're better at it, built for it. I do my best. I'll get better.
Yes, there are a million words I'm not writing here, while I'm tucked away in a tent I set myself, near a fire I built, myself. The dogs are sleeping in the corner where I've set the blankets. It's going to be wonderful, tucked between them, with little Ash warming my neck. I swear to all the heavens, after I meditate tonight, I'll be still for a while. I'll sleep with the dogs, and I'll know it's where I belong.
I thank Skald, forever, for our ability to make choices - including going back on certain ones we realize were wrong.
Written By Sunaia
Feb. 9, 2020, 4:39 p.m.(9.658630952380953/23.883333333333333/1012.721552579365 AR)
Relationship Note on Kaia
It's good to adventure with one's best friend. It's been too long and we should do it more often.
Notes for Future Adventures:
* Teach Lord Martino to swim a little [the previous is crossed out] lot better.
* Improve my armor.
* Snorkeling tubes were useless.
* BRING ASHUR.
Notes for Future Adventures:
* Teach Lord Martino to swim a little [the previous is crossed out] lot better.
* Improve my armor.
* Snorkeling tubes were useless.
* BRING ASHUR.
Written By Sunaia
Feb. 3, 2020, 4:39 p.m.(9.23031994047619/13.897916666666667/1012.6858599950397 AR)
Relationship Note on Ashur
Not to rush things...
But, I live for the day when he claims my family name.
And for the day when I bear our firstborn. And every child after.
Such thoughts carry me forward through everything and hold me through all other needs and concerns.
But, I live for the day when he claims my family name.
And for the day when I bear our firstborn. And every child after.
Such thoughts carry me forward through everything and hold me through all other needs and concerns.
Written By Sunaia
Jan. 31, 2020, 3:53 p.m.(9.013819031084656/1.7738657407407405/1012.6678182525903 AR)
The pack has grown.
I am, apparently, blessed - and have named him 'Ash'.
The other thought, of course, was 'Soot,' as he was a byproduct of my visit to the Shrine to Lagoma - but he's an Ashford.
We will love him well. He's perfect, of course. And the pups are already carrying him everywhere.
I am, apparently, blessed - and have named him 'Ash'.
The other thought, of course, was 'Soot,' as he was a byproduct of my visit to the Shrine to Lagoma - but he's an Ashford.
We will love him well. He's perfect, of course. And the pups are already carrying him everywhere.
Please note that the scholars may take some time preparing your journal for others to read.