Written By Sydney
Feb. 23, 2020, 12:56 a.m.(10/21/1012 AR)
One of the most insidious excuses and impediments to Change is the trap of thinking that the way things are is inherently correct, because it's the way that things have always been.
'Not all change is positive', comes the eternal refrain.
'There are no better solutions?'
Wrong. There are no comfortable solutions, and Gods forbid we should experience discomfort.
'Not all change is positive', comes the eternal refrain.
'There are no better solutions?'
Wrong. There are no comfortable solutions, and Gods forbid we should experience discomfort.
Written By Sydney
Feb. 22, 2020, 12:49 p.m.(10/20/1012 AR)
I have my share of faults, and I don't pretend otherwise, but I think therein lies the difference between myself and many others that I encounter. Know that you have weaknesses, and faults, and work to better them - or failing that, at least accept your faults, and find ways to make up for them.
If you can't work inside the lines, draw new lines.
If you can't work inside the lines, draw new lines.
Written By Sydney
Feb. 17, 2020, 1:33 p.m.(10.324049272486773/12.14675925925926/1012.7770041060405 AR)
Relationship Note on Strozza
There is no shame in finding your measure. Gods know that I have found my own, quite repeatedly over the course of the years.
Let it serve to spur your improvement, not give you a stick to beat yourself with.
...and you have my thanks, for understanding my intent.
Let it serve to spur your improvement, not give you a stick to beat yourself with.
...and you have my thanks, for understanding my intent.
Written By Sydney
Feb. 15, 2020, 2:59 p.m.(10.185586970899472/11.392870370370371/1012.7654655809083 AR)
These are strange times, when those with voices would insult and belittle the Seraph of Skald, and those who stand in solidarity with her are given scathing glances for breaking with decorum.
All the more reason to reevaluate who gets to speak at these things.
All the more reason to reevaluate who gets to speak at these things.
Written By Sydney
Feb. 13, 2020, 10:21 a.m.(10.028959573412699/2.621736111111111/1012.7524132977844 AR)
There's an ugliness in me that I seem unable to do away with. Perhaps the same ugliness works its way into the hearts of all who grew up where and how I did, or perhaps the failing is my own.
Part of me cannot help but equate the suffering I see with the suffering I experienced, and there's ever a dark, ugly side of my thoughts that cannot help but think,
'That's terrible. But if it happened, or more usually when it happened to me, to mine, to those around me, none cared then.'
I logically know this is a selfish feeling. Suffering must not be compared. Trauma is not a race one wins by experiencing the most, and pain is no less for those who experience, even if you reckon you've tasted worse.
Sometimes the logic doesn't win over the bile in my heart, and I find myself feeling and saying wretched things, because of What Ifs, What Abouts, and Remember Whens.
I need to be better about letting logic win.
Part of me cannot help but equate the suffering I see with the suffering I experienced, and there's ever a dark, ugly side of my thoughts that cannot help but think,
'That's terrible. But if it happened, or more usually when it happened to me, to mine, to those around me, none cared then.'
I logically know this is a selfish feeling. Suffering must not be compared. Trauma is not a race one wins by experiencing the most, and pain is no less for those who experience, even if you reckon you've tasted worse.
Sometimes the logic doesn't win over the bile in my heart, and I find myself feeling and saying wretched things, because of What Ifs, What Abouts, and Remember Whens.
I need to be better about letting logic win.
Written By Sydney
Feb. 9, 2020, 10:47 p.m.(9.676899388227513/24.906365740740743/1012.723074949019 AR)
Even the most dire of foul moods may be redirected by unexpected kindnesses and laughter shared between dear friends.
Do not think I fail to notice such gestures.
Do not think I fail to notice such gestures.
Written By Sydney
Feb. 7, 2020, 12:25 p.m.(9.503310185185185/15.185370370370372/1012.7086091820987 AR)
Truly, I cannot overstate the sheer wonder that are heated baths, after altogether too long a life spent washing with a plunge in the nearest river, or hand drawn and tepid baths on special occasions.
I feel renewed, and ready to face another day.
I feel renewed, and ready to face another day.
Written By Sydney
Feb. 3, 2020, 11:57 a.m.(9.216328538359788/13.114398148148148/1012.6846940448634 AR)
Relationship Note on Amund
Though the idea is amusing even to me of a line of pugilists standing shoulder to shoulder in battle, it's rather not to my point.
Refusing those who would lend their very bodies because they don't wield a blade is rather an insult, and to the detriment of us all.
And, sadly, an insult and dismissal that I've come to expect.
Refusing those who would lend their very bodies because they don't wield a blade is rather an insult, and to the detriment of us all.
And, sadly, an insult and dismissal that I've come to expect.
Written By Sydney
Feb. 3, 2020, 11:51 a.m.(9.216042080026455/13.098356481481481/1012.6846701733356 AR)
Relationship Note on Ida
I'm quite honored that you took the time to respond to the frustrations I aired. In my career as a pit fighter, and ever more so with my recent experience in places of Arx not constrained to the Lowers, your name has come up time and time again as an example of one who walks a path near to that which I walk.
It means a great deal to read your words, and to have you weigh in on what I already know to be true:
Underestimate the empty hand of an opponent at your own peril. Even those who pride their weapons are not immune to a well placed strike.
It means a great deal to read your words, and to have you weigh in on what I already know to be true:
Underestimate the empty hand of an opponent at your own peril. Even those who pride their weapons are not immune to a well placed strike.
Written By Sydney
Jan. 31, 2020, 12:36 a.m.(8.96833912037037/34.226990740740746/1012.6640282600308 AR)
To the many experts who have proclaimed that a pugilist has no place in 'real' combat, allow me the opportunity to prove you wrong.
Take me with you, and I'll show you what can be done with fists and a touch of ingenuity.
Take me with you, and I'll show you what can be done with fists and a touch of ingenuity.
Written By Sydney
Jan. 29, 2020, 7:38 p.m.(8.882180886243386/29.402129629629627/1012.656848407187 AR)
Anyone who's ever taken a leap off of a tall enough cliff into the waters below is familiar with the sinking of your stomach right before gravity claims you for the plunge.
Arx feels the same, just now. Poised on the edge of something.
It's in the air itself.
Arx feels the same, just now. Poised on the edge of something.
It's in the air itself.
Written By Sydney
Jan. 28, 2020, 4:32 p.m.(8.80156539351852/24.88766203703704/1012.6501304494599 AR)
When my time comes, I hope only that we are all of us more than simply the sum of our accomplishments.
More than a list laid out on vellum struck with all the things we did right and all the ways in which we failed. That may capture the mark of a person but it does not capture the essence of a person, and there's something profoundly sad in that. No marks for the way they tried to do good and failed, or failed to try to do good and succeeded.
Remembered only for the shadows we cast and not those who cast them, like remnants of ash, scorched on walls.
I forget much - but I do not forget you: You who yearn for a better life, never to receive it. You who fight not by choice but by necessity. You who bows and scrapes and claws and scratches, for it is the only way we've ever known, or been given.
I do not forget you. I do not praise you. I do not revile you.
I recall every piece of you.
More than a list laid out on vellum struck with all the things we did right and all the ways in which we failed. That may capture the mark of a person but it does not capture the essence of a person, and there's something profoundly sad in that. No marks for the way they tried to do good and failed, or failed to try to do good and succeeded.
Remembered only for the shadows we cast and not those who cast them, like remnants of ash, scorched on walls.
I forget much - but I do not forget you: You who yearn for a better life, never to receive it. You who fight not by choice but by necessity. You who bows and scrapes and claws and scratches, for it is the only way we've ever known, or been given.
I do not forget you. I do not praise you. I do not revile you.
I recall every piece of you.
Written By Sydney
Jan. 25, 2020, 8:50 p.m.(8.600499338624338/20.62796296296296/1012.6333749448854 AR)
I rather dislike having quite so much time to spend with my own thoughts.
Not to say that this means I dislike thinking, but perhaps it's better said that I dislike standing still for too long. I can feel myself stagnating, and that feeling can be hard to banish. I've taken to dispelling that feeling by frequenting the Training Center as often as the bars - even if I'm not out making a name for myself, I can at least work at improving myself, or finding those who are fighting the same fight that I am - one against stillness, and inaction.
I get to witness a fine variety of combat forms, to test myself in ways that I'm not always able to out in the streets, and I like to think that I come away better for it.
Where else can one watch a barmaid square off against a champion duelist?
...Speaking of barmaids, some enterprising person should offer to sell spirits in the Training Center. They'd make good coin.
Not to say that this means I dislike thinking, but perhaps it's better said that I dislike standing still for too long. I can feel myself stagnating, and that feeling can be hard to banish. I've taken to dispelling that feeling by frequenting the Training Center as often as the bars - even if I'm not out making a name for myself, I can at least work at improving myself, or finding those who are fighting the same fight that I am - one against stillness, and inaction.
I get to witness a fine variety of combat forms, to test myself in ways that I'm not always able to out in the streets, and I like to think that I come away better for it.
Where else can one watch a barmaid square off against a champion duelist?
...Speaking of barmaids, some enterprising person should offer to sell spirits in the Training Center. They'd make good coin.
Written By Sydney
Jan. 23, 2020, 2:33 p.m.(8.438959986772486/18.581759259259258/1012.619913332231 AR)
I've always been a forgetful one, even when I was but a girl. My memories find a way of slipping through the cracks if I don't monitor them closely. It would be a simple enough cause and effect to blame the alcohol, or the repeated blows to the head I've endured since my career as a pugilist began in earnest, but not the truth of the matter.
There are things in this life I'll not forget, but if I chance to look upon you blankly, or misrecall our meetings, pray don't take it to heart, for it is my own failing, not your lack of significance.
I'm making better notes, now.
There are things in this life I'll not forget, but if I chance to look upon you blankly, or misrecall our meetings, pray don't take it to heart, for it is my own failing, not your lack of significance.
I'm making better notes, now.
Written By Sydney
Jan. 20, 2020, 7:25 p.m.(8.239175760582011/14.393842592592593/1012.6032646467152 AR)
Relationship Note on Colette
Twice, you put me on my back. Twice, I politely smiled, and when you left, was filled with regrets and disbelief. I watched you, after that. Closely. The way you move, the way you flow and weave, and exploit your opponent's body. The way you pick them apart, leaving them wondering what on earth happened.
This time, I put you on your back, and though I find myself pleased with the outcome, I remain in disbelief. I know when my strikes are hitting proper. I've been at this quite some time, and you just kept coming back for more, like a woman possessed. The only other person I've seen stay up on their feet so long past their limit is my own self, so it's with nothing but with respect that I proclaim you an ally and a rival, little Laurent.
I look forward to learning from one another, speaking through words and fists alike.
Best of five?
This time, I put you on your back, and though I find myself pleased with the outcome, I remain in disbelief. I know when my strikes are hitting proper. I've been at this quite some time, and you just kept coming back for more, like a woman possessed. The only other person I've seen stay up on their feet so long past their limit is my own self, so it's with nothing but with respect that I proclaim you an ally and a rival, little Laurent.
I look forward to learning from one another, speaking through words and fists alike.
Best of five?
Written By Sydney
Jan. 19, 2020, 6:20 a.m.(8.129095982142857/8.229375000000001/1012.5940913318452 AR)
This humidity shall truly be the death of me - there are dangers enough in the world without feeling your leathers sticking at your every step.
I feel closer to the hides from which these pieces were wrought than I ever wanted, and the solution of adding an intermediary layer will only serve to overheat me further. I like to imagine that those who wear silks don't have these problems, if only so that I have some level of comfort to one day aspire to.
Disgusting. A plunge in the river for me.
I feel closer to the hides from which these pieces were wrought than I ever wanted, and the solution of adding an intermediary layer will only serve to overheat me further. I like to imagine that those who wear silks don't have these problems, if only so that I have some level of comfort to one day aspire to.
Disgusting. A plunge in the river for me.
Written By Sydney
Jan. 17, 2020, 2:33 p.m.(8/1/1012 AR)
Relationship Note on Josephine
Would that I could have known you better, changer of fortunes.
Your heart was beautiful.
Your heart was beautiful.
Written By Sydney
Jan. 15, 2020, 7:18 p.m.(7/25/1012 AR)
Relationship Note on Petal
I do hope it was a suitably boring birthing.
My most sincere congratulations!
My most sincere congratulations!
Written By Sydney
Jan. 11, 2020, 8:43 p.m.(7/17/1012 AR)
Relationship Note on Lenne
Many are those who discount the value of someone who can notice when something is about to go awry - I am not one of them. It's not a gift I'm particularly attuned to, and the number of times I've near-blundered only to have someone more attentive save my hide is rather high.
All the same... Do be careful, Lenne Crovane.
All the same... Do be careful, Lenne Crovane.
Written By Sydney
Jan. 10, 2020, 2:42 p.m.(7/15/1012 AR)
Relationship Note on Mirari
Love is nonsensical.
It is transient and selfish, all-consuming in its hunger to remove our freedoms slowly and systematically until we are nothing but starry eyed prisoners to it.
None deserve unconditional love, and yet it's so frequently hammered into us that we must put family over self, loved ones over self.
Abandon your birth family? Dishonor.
Preserve oneself over another? Cowardice.
Love has conditions, always, and the greatest hypocrisies lie in pretending it isn't so. I suppose the flowery poetry don't have provisions for if you discover your parents or children are monstrous in nature, and no longer deserving of even the most basic forms of your affection, to say naught of love.
Affection is a wonderful thing. Intimacy. Friendship. Even simple dalliances have their place.
Love is a gaoler, and I have no interest.
It is transient and selfish, all-consuming in its hunger to remove our freedoms slowly and systematically until we are nothing but starry eyed prisoners to it.
None deserve unconditional love, and yet it's so frequently hammered into us that we must put family over self, loved ones over self.
Abandon your birth family? Dishonor.
Preserve oneself over another? Cowardice.
Love has conditions, always, and the greatest hypocrisies lie in pretending it isn't so. I suppose the flowery poetry don't have provisions for if you discover your parents or children are monstrous in nature, and no longer deserving of even the most basic forms of your affection, to say naught of love.
Affection is a wonderful thing. Intimacy. Friendship. Even simple dalliances have their place.
Love is a gaoler, and I have no interest.
Please note that the scholars may take some time preparing your journal for others to read.