Written By Volya
Jan. 22, 2024, 4:19 p.m.(8/9/1021 AR)
*Written Before Leaving Arx*
This is going to be last public journal as I plan on boarding the Desert Queen shortly after putting this down to wording.
I have hated this life. I did my best to put on a smile and joke, be a storyteller, but the truth is, I've always been angry. Angry for how I perceived the world. Angry at how the world has decided to not just treat us, but also in how we treated each other. I resented it, hated it. I always thought that we all should have been more than what we are. And how so few us, the privileged few, seemingly rewarded for doing so little.
Like so many resentful youth, I suspect it started with own family and the stains that have followed. As I was once the heir to House Shaivahn, a little barony that I doubt most reading this will even know or barely recall, was a House that followed it's High House of Thrax. When anti-thralldom sentiment rose to a chorus, my parents, in their infinite wisdom, decided to abandon their home, empty our house vaults and run away with their coin and their thralls. All while their children fought and died during the Gyre War.
Eventually, they were caught, and put to the sword as they rightfully should have been. But so much more was taken. Lands seized. Vaults emptied. And the children that did survive, myself and my sister, were stripped of rank. For doing nothing more than existing. Everything was taken from us, by a system that didn't care to listen. All for the sins of people that I would nothing to associate with. To not only betray their people, but their very children.
After some time playing mercenary for hire, somehow my sister and I were found and absorbed into House Malespero, due to my mother's tie with what was once House Argento. I should state now that I hold no resentment towards Duchess Lianne for this rescue. I respected her. But I never felt like I belonged. That's should not be placed at her feet. She tried. I simply had no desire to listen. I was too angry. Too resentful. Perhaps one day you'll forgive me for that. For now, just now that I am sorry. And that I'm a coward in this respect, that I could not tell you that personally.
For the people that knew me, know that you deserved better. And up until knowing about the fleet going to Eurus, I was content to let the end come. I had no desire to fight it, rather welcome it. Princess Fatima showed me another path, where throwing my life wasn't the only thing I sought. That perhaps I could find something else. Something worth fighting for. A life worth living, even when everything had been taken.
To Khanne: I wish we had more time. Maybe next time. I hope you'll keep that blindfold and think of me.
To Pasquale: You're a good man. Better than most realize. I'm sorry I never said that.
To Lianne: It wasn't your fault. You tried. I never said it, but thank you.
To Jaenelle: Thanks for telling me I look good in a vest. I still have that one.
To Nebulosa: You know what I'm going to say, and you're crazy as I am for following me, even now.
To Fatima: Thank you for giving me a purpose.
So I leave for Eurus, and I will not be returning. If I die in the sand, then it'll be the end I seek. And if I live, then the Gods will have given me another chance to make more of myself than some angry man who drank too much.
From this point, I will retake my old name. That I will not let it die in disgrace. That there is one Shaivahn left who did not run when the time to stand arrived. Who didn't abandon a cause worthwhile.
Good luck, Arvum. Whatever happens, we'll need it.
Volya Shaivahn.
This is going to be last public journal as I plan on boarding the Desert Queen shortly after putting this down to wording.
I have hated this life. I did my best to put on a smile and joke, be a storyteller, but the truth is, I've always been angry. Angry for how I perceived the world. Angry at how the world has decided to not just treat us, but also in how we treated each other. I resented it, hated it. I always thought that we all should have been more than what we are. And how so few us, the privileged few, seemingly rewarded for doing so little.
Like so many resentful youth, I suspect it started with own family and the stains that have followed. As I was once the heir to House Shaivahn, a little barony that I doubt most reading this will even know or barely recall, was a House that followed it's High House of Thrax. When anti-thralldom sentiment rose to a chorus, my parents, in their infinite wisdom, decided to abandon their home, empty our house vaults and run away with their coin and their thralls. All while their children fought and died during the Gyre War.
Eventually, they were caught, and put to the sword as they rightfully should have been. But so much more was taken. Lands seized. Vaults emptied. And the children that did survive, myself and my sister, were stripped of rank. For doing nothing more than existing. Everything was taken from us, by a system that didn't care to listen. All for the sins of people that I would nothing to associate with. To not only betray their people, but their very children.
After some time playing mercenary for hire, somehow my sister and I were found and absorbed into House Malespero, due to my mother's tie with what was once House Argento. I should state now that I hold no resentment towards Duchess Lianne for this rescue. I respected her. But I never felt like I belonged. That's should not be placed at her feet. She tried. I simply had no desire to listen. I was too angry. Too resentful. Perhaps one day you'll forgive me for that. For now, just now that I am sorry. And that I'm a coward in this respect, that I could not tell you that personally.
For the people that knew me, know that you deserved better. And up until knowing about the fleet going to Eurus, I was content to let the end come. I had no desire to fight it, rather welcome it. Princess Fatima showed me another path, where throwing my life wasn't the only thing I sought. That perhaps I could find something else. Something worth fighting for. A life worth living, even when everything had been taken.
To Khanne: I wish we had more time. Maybe next time. I hope you'll keep that blindfold and think of me.
To Pasquale: You're a good man. Better than most realize. I'm sorry I never said that.
To Lianne: It wasn't your fault. You tried. I never said it, but thank you.
To Jaenelle: Thanks for telling me I look good in a vest. I still have that one.
To Nebulosa: You know what I'm going to say, and you're crazy as I am for following me, even now.
To Fatima: Thank you for giving me a purpose.
So I leave for Eurus, and I will not be returning. If I die in the sand, then it'll be the end I seek. And if I live, then the Gods will have given me another chance to make more of myself than some angry man who drank too much.
From this point, I will retake my old name. That I will not let it die in disgrace. That there is one Shaivahn left who did not run when the time to stand arrived. Who didn't abandon a cause worthwhile.
Good luck, Arvum. Whatever happens, we'll need it.
Volya Shaivahn.
Written By Volya
Aug. 5, 2021, 4:58 p.m.(12/19/1015 AR)
Chats with Existentialism
You: Why is it that whenever loss comes to me, you follow?
Existentialism: I am always around. Loss just reminds you of my presence, reminds you of my inevitability. Because I am the absence of things. Loss reminds you, that you came from me, and to me you'll return. Dust to dust. All becomes me in time.
You: But it'll never be the same, now that it's gone.
Existentialism: You're right. It won't. But, it is the start of something different.
You: Why is it that whenever loss comes to me, you follow?
Existentialism: I am always around. Loss just reminds you of my presence, reminds you of my inevitability. Because I am the absence of things. Loss reminds you, that you came from me, and to me you'll return. Dust to dust. All becomes me in time.
You: But it'll never be the same, now that it's gone.
Existentialism: You're right. It won't. But, it is the start of something different.
Written By Volya
Aug. 5, 2021, 4:52 p.m.(12/19/1015 AR)
Chats with existentialism
You: If you are inevitable, I will run from you. I will soak myself in bliss and ignore what lies ahead.
Existentialism: Ah, but then each time you're reminded. Your world shatters.
You: If you are inevitable, I will run from you. I will soak myself in bliss and ignore what lies ahead.
Existentialism: Ah, but then each time you're reminded. Your world shatters.
Written By Volya
June 7, 2021, 2:06 p.m.(8/13/1015 AR)
Relationship Note on Deva
The trick is never being satisfied. You can always do better than what you're doing now, if not for you, than for someone else or something greater than yourself.
Just depends if you care enough to try.
Just depends if you care enough to try.
Written By Volya
May 30, 2021, 6:23 p.m.(7/25/1015 AR)
Conversations in Existentialism
1: "Was this war worth it? Did it mean something?"
2: "Acts of violence-- Whether on a large or a small scale, is a bitter paradox: the meaningfulness of death...and the meaninglessness of killing."
1: "Was this war worth it? Did it mean something?"
2: "Acts of violence-- Whether on a large or a small scale, is a bitter paradox: the meaningfulness of death...and the meaninglessness of killing."
Written By Volya
May 17, 2021, 3:22 p.m.(6/27/1015 AR)
Conversations with Existentialism
1: "Hey, do that thing that makes my head feel all weird."
2: "Sure. Out of the millions of living things throughout time that could have been, out of all possibilities, you exist here and now as you. But what and who 'you' are could only exist here and now. Any other time or place, and you would not be 'you'."
1: "...neat."
1: "Hey, do that thing that makes my head feel all weird."
2: "Sure. Out of the millions of living things throughout time that could have been, out of all possibilities, you exist here and now as you. But what and who 'you' are could only exist here and now. Any other time or place, and you would not be 'you'."
1: "...neat."
Written By Volya
May 16, 2021, 10 a.m.(6/24/1015 AR)
Conversations with Existentialism
1: "A new chapter in my life is starting. And I'm scared. Both great and terrible. I've been through so many chapters already..."
2: "But if we each only get one chance at experiencing life, aren't you really quite lucky with just how many different slices of existence you've gotten to taste?"
1: "A new chapter in my life is starting. And I'm scared. Both great and terrible. I've been through so many chapters already..."
2: "But if we each only get one chance at experiencing life, aren't you really quite lucky with just how many different slices of existence you've gotten to taste?"
Written By Volya
May 16, 2021, 9:55 a.m.(6/24/1015 AR)
Conversations with Existentialism
1: "Sure, I've learned from past heartbreaks. But I think they taught me bad lessons in trust."
2: "Be careful with letting relationships of the past cast shadows on the future. The line between overly cautious and naively trusting can be hard to see. To see clearly, you need to spend time with the present."
1: "Sure, I've learned from past heartbreaks. But I think they taught me bad lessons in trust."
2: "Be careful with letting relationships of the past cast shadows on the future. The line between overly cautious and naively trusting can be hard to see. To see clearly, you need to spend time with the present."
Written By Volya
May 14, 2021, 8:03 p.m.(6/21/1015 AR)
Conversations with Existentialism
1: "Why does hate from strangers bother me so much?"
2: Well, they don't *you*. They can only hate the *idea* of you. Besides... it's unfair to the love around you to focus so much on a few angry voices."
1: "Why does hate from strangers bother me so much?"
2: Well, they don't *you*. They can only hate the *idea* of you. Besides... it's unfair to the love around you to focus so much on a few angry voices."
Written By Volya
May 14, 2021, 8 p.m.(6/21/1015 AR)
Conversations with Existentialism
1: "I guess the family legacy will end with me..."
2: "How sad and short sighted to reduce yourself and any legacy to that of reliance upon the blood. There are far greater things you can contribute to your kin's future. You can help build a foundation with creations and teachings that will ripple across time. You are more than a name."
1: "I guess the family legacy will end with me..."
2: "How sad and short sighted to reduce yourself and any legacy to that of reliance upon the blood. There are far greater things you can contribute to your kin's future. You can help build a foundation with creations and teachings that will ripple across time. You are more than a name."
Written By Volya
May 11, 2021, 2:58 p.m.(6/15/1015 AR)
Conversations in Existentialism
1: Whenever I meditate and let my mind drift, I feel less like a single being and more like...a reflection off everything's surface.
2: Well, you kind of are, aren't you? What is the self other than an illusion that helps your body navigate existence?
1: Whenever I meditate and let my mind drift, I feel less like a single being and more like...a reflection off everything's surface.
2: Well, you kind of are, aren't you? What is the self other than an illusion that helps your body navigate existence?
Written By Volya
May 11, 2021, 2:51 p.m.(6/15/1015 AR)
Conversations in Existentialism
1: If sharing my creations doesn't make me happy...then why do I feel so compelled to do it?
2: Because the motivation behind these acts of sharing, has never been fleeting happiness. It's to make the internal external. To see if your work can survive outside itself. It's bigger than joy. It's communicating in a language of your own making and seeing who else can connect to it.
1: If sharing my creations doesn't make me happy...then why do I feel so compelled to do it?
2: Because the motivation behind these acts of sharing, has never been fleeting happiness. It's to make the internal external. To see if your work can survive outside itself. It's bigger than joy. It's communicating in a language of your own making and seeing who else can connect to it.
Written By Volya
May 10, 2021, 10:29 a.m.(6/12/1015 AR)
Conversations with Existentialism
1: My normal is falling about before my eyes.
2: These are uneasy times we're walking in for sure. But let's be honest with ourselves: normal has always been a fickle jerk. It never stays or lasts. So let's make this and opportunity to create new normals.
1: One that better serve us.
1: My normal is falling about before my eyes.
2: These are uneasy times we're walking in for sure. But let's be honest with ourselves: normal has always been a fickle jerk. It never stays or lasts. So let's make this and opportunity to create new normals.
1: One that better serve us.
Written By Volya
May 10, 2021, 10:27 a.m.(6/12/1015 AR)
Conversations with Existentialism
1: If I'm really doing better now... ...then why does this sadness taste so familiar?
2: Because 'better' isn't something you just unlock for your life one day. It's work. 'Better' is built from active choices and habits. You have to maintain 'better'.
1: If I'm really doing better now... ...then why does this sadness taste so familiar?
2: Because 'better' isn't something you just unlock for your life one day. It's work. 'Better' is built from active choices and habits. You have to maintain 'better'.
Written By Volya
May 9, 2021, 11:26 a.m.(6/11/1015 AR)
Conversations with Existentialism
1: "Things were good for so long, why did it have to change?"
2: "You were poorly prepared. Change is inevitable."
1: "So... Be ready for misery always then?"
2: "No. You're thinking about it backwards. Be ready for change always. How things are isn't how they will always be."
1: "Things were good for so long, why did it have to change?"
2: "You were poorly prepared. Change is inevitable."
1: "So... Be ready for misery always then?"
2: "No. You're thinking about it backwards. Be ready for change always. How things are isn't how they will always be."
Written By Volya
May 9, 2021, 11:23 a.m.(6/11/1015 AR)
Conversations with Existentialism
1: I know I'm small in the world...I don't know if this is all there is of me.
2: But when you think about it, aren't you monumental? A unique series of reactions, capable of thought. This world, stars, and beyond: all more common place than what you are. You are more of a phenomenon than you can realize.
1: I know I'm small in the world...I don't know if this is all there is of me.
2: But when you think about it, aren't you monumental? A unique series of reactions, capable of thought. This world, stars, and beyond: all more common place than what you are. You are more of a phenomenon than you can realize.
Written By Volya
April 18, 2021, 10:45 a.m.(4/24/1015 AR)
Relationship Note on Thesarin
Finally, someone writes a journal that's actually makes sense.
I'm picking up what you're putting down.
I'm picking up what you're putting down.
Written By Volya
April 16, 2021, 8:01 a.m.(4/20/1015 AR)
To the assholes who make it their business to have the criers shouting out inane and annoying squabbles out next to my window at the asscrack of dawn.
I could not give two flips about who poured salt in your coffee that you somehow feel obligated to involve the rest of the damn city in it.
If you can't be a decent human being and jerk off to your own pettiness in private, at the very least don't involve the rest of us.
I just know I'm not going to be able to get back to sleep now.
I could not give two flips about who poured salt in your coffee that you somehow feel obligated to involve the rest of the damn city in it.
If you can't be a decent human being and jerk off to your own pettiness in private, at the very least don't involve the rest of us.
I just know I'm not going to be able to get back to sleep now.
Written By Volya
March 16, 2021, 2:12 p.m.(2/15/1015 AR)
Time is the most valuable thing a person can spend.
To understand time, I would think it can be sometimes easy to view it as an accident of motion that cannot be stopped or reversed, but perhaps somewhat paradoxically to waste time is most extravagant and costly of any expense. More valuable then all the titles one could amass, more powerful than any weight of influence one could wield, and worth more in value than the largest mountains of silver.
For those who have everything, there is one thing they cannot buy. They cannot buy more time. Time does not stop, and has physical value, and is yet worth so much that most would be willing to give up everything for simply 'one more moment' or 'more time'.
The time you have is finite. Spend it wisely.
To understand time, I would think it can be sometimes easy to view it as an accident of motion that cannot be stopped or reversed, but perhaps somewhat paradoxically to waste time is most extravagant and costly of any expense. More valuable then all the titles one could amass, more powerful than any weight of influence one could wield, and worth more in value than the largest mountains of silver.
For those who have everything, there is one thing they cannot buy. They cannot buy more time. Time does not stop, and has physical value, and is yet worth so much that most would be willing to give up everything for simply 'one more moment' or 'more time'.
The time you have is finite. Spend it wisely.
Written By Volya
March 14, 2021, 10:02 p.m.(2/11/1015 AR)
What is time?
Believe it not, dear readers, I actually take put some effort into take a matter seriously. For those curious, I'm not talking about the concept of change, but time. As a concept, as a construct, as an entity, or maybe something else. In my reading, there's been a lot time(get it) spent on talking about time. From being something arbitrary to something more infinite or to even something that has permeance, even if whole concept of it is literally entropy. I've thought a lot about the idea of change is also time, and time is change.
I haven't come to any definite conclusions. Well, maybe one, if I'm going to aspire to any real line of thought, but I just want to look over what I've so far seen and read.
Time, as it's currently defined in various books of study, is "the indefinite continued progress of existence and events that occur in an apparently irreversible succession from the past, through the present, into the future. It is a component quantity of various measurements used to sequence events, to compare the duration of events or the intervals between them, and to quantify rates of change of quantities in material reality or in the conscious experience." Still don't feel like that really explains things adequately enough. Seconds, minutes, hours, days, months, years, decades, so on and so forth ad nauseum. Seems to me that nobody really thinks about time, that it's just another aspect of change. Or maybe that it even is change. Is time a side-effect of change. Or is change the result of slow march of progression? Does it go on forever?
I've read that time is an illusion, a concept created by humans to give context to decay, entropy, or anything goes from one state to another. Seems to me it's just another word for change, and again, here we are in this perpetual round of circular logic. So why do I feel like the two can and should be separated from each other. Two different concepts. That time is the steady march and beat of progression while change, at least to me, is circular. It always happens, but does it have a set pattern? Seasons change, but usually only four seasons(unless you count their weird seasons where it snows one day and then you're walking around without a coat the next, I call those 'second winters'), things wither, decay, and die, and that very decay giving life to something else. A perpetual cycle of life, death, and rebirth. That, I think is the very basis of change, and it does not seem to me that time functions in similar fashion. That there is no cycle for time. It has no starting point and no stopping point, and rather more akin to line that goes only in two directions, for infinity. That, if I have to put a shape to it, change would be a single circle, and time would be a straight line stricken through it.
Some that I have spoken to in the field have look at time as a fundamental part of an abstract conceptual framework, together with space and numbers, within which events are examined in sequence, quantify their duration, and compare the motions of objects. In this view, time does not refer to any kind of entity that 'flows,' that objects 'move through,' or that is a 'container' for events. Measurements are used to quantify the extent of and distances between objects, and a separate set of measurements are used to quantify the durations of and between events. So more or less, to some time is nothing more than a way of measuring something from one point in space, or time, to another. But I think that's too simplistic, even if that might be the most literal interpretation that I've heard.
The biggest question that seems to be asked from how niche this field of study might be, is if time is real or not real, and a theory has come out of that question that while, not really sure if I agree with it, it's still interesting. So as the theory goes, if time is happening all at once or rather a duration. If time tensed or tenseless, is there a future to be? So one aspect of the theory suggests that any tensed terminology can be replaced with a tenseless one. Like saying that "We will win the tourney." can be replaced with "We do win the tourney.", and taking out the future tense. On the other hand, the other aspect of the theory states that our language has tense verbs for reason and that future can not be determined. An even THIRD aspect to the theory is the concept of 'imaginary time', that space and time are finite but have no boundaries. That isn't real or unreal, more that it is simply hard to visualize. Personally, I think that explanation is a cop out, nor do I buy it. If a thing exists, then we should be able to understand that thing, regardless of it's complexity. At the very least, from what I've read, most agree that physical time exists outside of the human mind is objective, just as mental(or our perception of)time is dependent on the mind and subjective.
But if I had to define my views from my earlier idea from writing this(and I haven't given myself a nosebleed for thinking too hard on it yet), is that we are time. Our relationship to the past, our own past allows it to exist in the present, while our relationship to the future is the state of anticipating a potential possibility, task, risk, event, or any other kind of engagement. In relation to the human tendency of caring and being concerned, y'know, that whole feeling of 'being ahead of yourself' when thinking about a pending result of something(event, relationship, war, whatever). So it'd stand to reason this concern for a potential result also allows the future to exist in the present. The present becomes an experience, which I'd think is more qualitative rather than quantitative. It's not how many memories or potential memories you have, it's the quality of the memory itself. We're able to remember the past and project into the future, so we have a kind of 'access' to our representation of existence in a future state. It's in this, that we can 'step out' of sequential time.
Does that make any sense to anyone? Just me? Maybe I'm thinking about this way too hard. But even if I am, why is it so important? Even if I can step out of time, if only in my mind's eye, it doesn't change the fact that it is still immutable. So why does that matter so much to me? And why does everything that I've read so far come off more like speculation than anything more defined. Of all the theories, and they are all theories, none of them fit. Not even my own. I doubt it's something I'll ever be truly satisfied on. So I'll just keep writing and yelling at clouds. Because it's about the only thing I'm really good at.
Why does it suddenly smell like burning toast in here?
Believe it not, dear readers, I actually take put some effort into take a matter seriously. For those curious, I'm not talking about the concept of change, but time. As a concept, as a construct, as an entity, or maybe something else. In my reading, there's been a lot time(get it) spent on talking about time. From being something arbitrary to something more infinite or to even something that has permeance, even if whole concept of it is literally entropy. I've thought a lot about the idea of change is also time, and time is change.
I haven't come to any definite conclusions. Well, maybe one, if I'm going to aspire to any real line of thought, but I just want to look over what I've so far seen and read.
Time, as it's currently defined in various books of study, is "the indefinite continued progress of existence and events that occur in an apparently irreversible succession from the past, through the present, into the future. It is a component quantity of various measurements used to sequence events, to compare the duration of events or the intervals between them, and to quantify rates of change of quantities in material reality or in the conscious experience." Still don't feel like that really explains things adequately enough. Seconds, minutes, hours, days, months, years, decades, so on and so forth ad nauseum. Seems to me that nobody really thinks about time, that it's just another aspect of change. Or maybe that it even is change. Is time a side-effect of change. Or is change the result of slow march of progression? Does it go on forever?
I've read that time is an illusion, a concept created by humans to give context to decay, entropy, or anything goes from one state to another. Seems to me it's just another word for change, and again, here we are in this perpetual round of circular logic. So why do I feel like the two can and should be separated from each other. Two different concepts. That time is the steady march and beat of progression while change, at least to me, is circular. It always happens, but does it have a set pattern? Seasons change, but usually only four seasons(unless you count their weird seasons where it snows one day and then you're walking around without a coat the next, I call those 'second winters'), things wither, decay, and die, and that very decay giving life to something else. A perpetual cycle of life, death, and rebirth. That, I think is the very basis of change, and it does not seem to me that time functions in similar fashion. That there is no cycle for time. It has no starting point and no stopping point, and rather more akin to line that goes only in two directions, for infinity. That, if I have to put a shape to it, change would be a single circle, and time would be a straight line stricken through it.
Some that I have spoken to in the field have look at time as a fundamental part of an abstract conceptual framework, together with space and numbers, within which events are examined in sequence, quantify their duration, and compare the motions of objects. In this view, time does not refer to any kind of entity that 'flows,' that objects 'move through,' or that is a 'container' for events. Measurements are used to quantify the extent of and distances between objects, and a separate set of measurements are used to quantify the durations of and between events. So more or less, to some time is nothing more than a way of measuring something from one point in space, or time, to another. But I think that's too simplistic, even if that might be the most literal interpretation that I've heard.
The biggest question that seems to be asked from how niche this field of study might be, is if time is real or not real, and a theory has come out of that question that while, not really sure if I agree with it, it's still interesting. So as the theory goes, if time is happening all at once or rather a duration. If time tensed or tenseless, is there a future to be? So one aspect of the theory suggests that any tensed terminology can be replaced with a tenseless one. Like saying that "We will win the tourney." can be replaced with "We do win the tourney.", and taking out the future tense. On the other hand, the other aspect of the theory states that our language has tense verbs for reason and that future can not be determined. An even THIRD aspect to the theory is the concept of 'imaginary time', that space and time are finite but have no boundaries. That isn't real or unreal, more that it is simply hard to visualize. Personally, I think that explanation is a cop out, nor do I buy it. If a thing exists, then we should be able to understand that thing, regardless of it's complexity. At the very least, from what I've read, most agree that physical time exists outside of the human mind is objective, just as mental(or our perception of)time is dependent on the mind and subjective.
But if I had to define my views from my earlier idea from writing this(and I haven't given myself a nosebleed for thinking too hard on it yet), is that we are time. Our relationship to the past, our own past allows it to exist in the present, while our relationship to the future is the state of anticipating a potential possibility, task, risk, event, or any other kind of engagement. In relation to the human tendency of caring and being concerned, y'know, that whole feeling of 'being ahead of yourself' when thinking about a pending result of something(event, relationship, war, whatever). So it'd stand to reason this concern for a potential result also allows the future to exist in the present. The present becomes an experience, which I'd think is more qualitative rather than quantitative. It's not how many memories or potential memories you have, it's the quality of the memory itself. We're able to remember the past and project into the future, so we have a kind of 'access' to our representation of existence in a future state. It's in this, that we can 'step out' of sequential time.
Does that make any sense to anyone? Just me? Maybe I'm thinking about this way too hard. But even if I am, why is it so important? Even if I can step out of time, if only in my mind's eye, it doesn't change the fact that it is still immutable. So why does that matter so much to me? And why does everything that I've read so far come off more like speculation than anything more defined. Of all the theories, and they are all theories, none of them fit. Not even my own. I doubt it's something I'll ever be truly satisfied on. So I'll just keep writing and yelling at clouds. Because it's about the only thing I'm really good at.
Why does it suddenly smell like burning toast in here?
Please note that the scholars may take some time preparing your journal for others to read.