Written By Ras
Aug. 22, 2020, 10:36 p.m.(11/20/1013 AR)
After what happened in the Fox, I started seeing chained monsters in all sorts of folk. Took a lot of guts to keep asking, and all my skill at reading faces to believe the answers. But the person I most saw a monster in was myself. I threw a dog, and then a dog threw me.
If the twelfth could be saved, I thought I'd have done like Juniper hoped. Been the change for myself and the change for others. I'd have solved the weapons case too, or at least the reason behind why I got hired. A whole tribe could've been saved. I put away my knives, and I wore her dagger. Only ever blooded in the act of helping.
Would've proved I wasn't a monster. But shit didn't turn out how I hoped. Me, Ras, I'm the destroyer of hope. Can I ever belt Hope back on without hating myself? Everything's my fault. I wanted to give the twelfth a name, to call him Hope too. But there are rules, and I dunno how the world works.
Whether there's power in names or not, my name ain't just Ras anymore. The one whose song is interwoven with mine, the one I cherish -- she gave me hers. We're married now. She's from the Free People, and they don't fight. They ain't cowards though. Never really understood til I got how much harder it is to listen to somebody talk shit and not punch em in the face. Sometimes the bravest thing to do is just listen, and I gotta be brave for the folk I love.
And I love stormbird. Her smile's worth the world. Verity Locke said we were 'complementary forces' and we gotta learn from each other. Reckon I've learned a lot from stormbird, but I know this: the Dune Emperor'd just wipe out the whole tribe of the Free People if they were found. That's what happens when you don't fight monsters. I can't let that happen to stormbird or anyone else I love. There are people, and there are monsters. And I won't be a monster.
MY NAME IS RAS AL-KATIBI OF THE FREE PEOPLE. And I'll never hit another person ever again. I swear this oath by Limerance in the eyes of Vellichor.
Some monsters might be people too. But of the ones I've hit or tried to hit in the past couple years, I can only think of a few who were really monsters. Reigna Keaton ain't a monster. The clerk at Uppers Market Services wasn't, and that was a world of shit. Apollo Oakwood, Alban Farshaw, Azhan Arrynfield, Insaya Bergere, Amantha Harrow, Hamish Farmer, Lenne Crovane, Jeffy, Nyce, Syd, Strozza Mazetti, Raja Culler, Corrigan Grayhope, Magpie Grayhope, Sirius Valardin, Alarissa Thrax, Wagner Ulbran. Shard... and whoever else.
None of you are monsters. Even if some of you are assholes. And some of you are my friends.
If the twelfth could be saved, I thought I'd have done like Juniper hoped. Been the change for myself and the change for others. I'd have solved the weapons case too, or at least the reason behind why I got hired. A whole tribe could've been saved. I put away my knives, and I wore her dagger. Only ever blooded in the act of helping.
Would've proved I wasn't a monster. But shit didn't turn out how I hoped. Me, Ras, I'm the destroyer of hope. Can I ever belt Hope back on without hating myself? Everything's my fault. I wanted to give the twelfth a name, to call him Hope too. But there are rules, and I dunno how the world works.
Whether there's power in names or not, my name ain't just Ras anymore. The one whose song is interwoven with mine, the one I cherish -- she gave me hers. We're married now. She's from the Free People, and they don't fight. They ain't cowards though. Never really understood til I got how much harder it is to listen to somebody talk shit and not punch em in the face. Sometimes the bravest thing to do is just listen, and I gotta be brave for the folk I love.
And I love stormbird. Her smile's worth the world. Verity Locke said we were 'complementary forces' and we gotta learn from each other. Reckon I've learned a lot from stormbird, but I know this: the Dune Emperor'd just wipe out the whole tribe of the Free People if they were found. That's what happens when you don't fight monsters. I can't let that happen to stormbird or anyone else I love. There are people, and there are monsters. And I won't be a monster.
MY NAME IS RAS AL-KATIBI OF THE FREE PEOPLE. And I'll never hit another person ever again. I swear this oath by Limerance in the eyes of Vellichor.
Some monsters might be people too. But of the ones I've hit or tried to hit in the past couple years, I can only think of a few who were really monsters. Reigna Keaton ain't a monster. The clerk at Uppers Market Services wasn't, and that was a world of shit. Apollo Oakwood, Alban Farshaw, Azhan Arrynfield, Insaya Bergere, Amantha Harrow, Hamish Farmer, Lenne Crovane, Jeffy, Nyce, Syd, Strozza Mazetti, Raja Culler, Corrigan Grayhope, Magpie Grayhope, Sirius Valardin, Alarissa Thrax, Wagner Ulbran. Shard... and whoever else.
None of you are monsters. Even if some of you are assholes. And some of you are my friends.
Written By Ras
Aug. 4, 2020, 10 a.m.(10/11/1013 AR)
Relationship Note on Shard
<<Dictated to a scholar who must have been prudish enough to censor certain language:>>
I started off hating Shard, because she punched my friend. Long story, but I thought it was my job to get justice, to make ---- fair.
No matter how many times I tried to punch Shard, though, I couldn't touch her. No matter what I said, she wouldn't listen. She's tough as ---- and she's stubborn as ----, and...
Deep down, she's a kind person.
Shard ain't the kind of kind where someone says nice words or gives hugs. She's the kind of kind that'll kill someone to make it quick if they really gotta die and the kill got botched. The kind of kind who's got the power to totally destroy a guy who annoys her, and nobody'd get her back for it, but she holds herself instead. The kind who'll tell someone to ---- off if they're teasing somebody, or stand with her sword ready to fight a whole pile of guards when she sees ----'s unfair. The kind who cares about a people she's fighting enough to want to save them from folk who'd kill them all. Or the kind who'll drag someone out of a place if he's digging himself a hole. Me.
I don't know why she started caring about me. But she's saved me a lot of times. She gave me so many warnings, ever since the beginning when she told me I best leave her alone. I ain't good at listening to people tell me what to do... ----.
Anyway, like I said, she's kind. Or, or GOOD, I guess. Maybe GOOD is a better word. You can't really be GOOD and not also be ------ off with the way the world is right now, you know? Well, maybe you can. Maybe KIND is the right word after all. Whatever. I don't know.
My point is, Shard's ------ off for all the right reasons. Maybe that's why she cares, because I was ------ too. And I guess that's why I started caring about her. Started caring a lot.
Can't shake the thought that I ------ up. It hasn't been that long but I miss her. She took up a big place in the city, to me, and now that she's gone that place is empty. I was just sitting in the stuffed armchair, holding her key, looking at the desk where she once stood.
She'll stand there again. She's tough as ---- and stubborn as ----. I have faith.
...
No, I don't want you to write about that. Yeah, it ------ me off when I read, sure, but can't expect that guy to start taking responsibility or talking to my face all of the sudden when he never has before. And Shard told me about a line. Got my line.
...
I'll listen to Shard.
Wait, did you write that last part down too? Fine, whatever. Stop now though.
...
Hey, Ayallah -- what? A diary? Yeah, tell stormbird I didn't see. Can she show me? Where is she?
...
----, man. Stop! Enough.
I started off hating Shard, because she punched my friend. Long story, but I thought it was my job to get justice, to make ---- fair.
No matter how many times I tried to punch Shard, though, I couldn't touch her. No matter what I said, she wouldn't listen. She's tough as ---- and she's stubborn as ----, and...
Deep down, she's a kind person.
Shard ain't the kind of kind where someone says nice words or gives hugs. She's the kind of kind that'll kill someone to make it quick if they really gotta die and the kill got botched. The kind of kind who's got the power to totally destroy a guy who annoys her, and nobody'd get her back for it, but she holds herself instead. The kind who'll tell someone to ---- off if they're teasing somebody, or stand with her sword ready to fight a whole pile of guards when she sees ----'s unfair. The kind who cares about a people she's fighting enough to want to save them from folk who'd kill them all. Or the kind who'll drag someone out of a place if he's digging himself a hole. Me.
I don't know why she started caring about me. But she's saved me a lot of times. She gave me so many warnings, ever since the beginning when she told me I best leave her alone. I ain't good at listening to people tell me what to do... ----.
Anyway, like I said, she's kind. Or, or GOOD, I guess. Maybe GOOD is a better word. You can't really be GOOD and not also be ------ off with the way the world is right now, you know? Well, maybe you can. Maybe KIND is the right word after all. Whatever. I don't know.
My point is, Shard's ------ off for all the right reasons. Maybe that's why she cares, because I was ------ too. And I guess that's why I started caring about her. Started caring a lot.
Can't shake the thought that I ------ up. It hasn't been that long but I miss her. She took up a big place in the city, to me, and now that she's gone that place is empty. I was just sitting in the stuffed armchair, holding her key, looking at the desk where she once stood.
She'll stand there again. She's tough as ---- and stubborn as ----. I have faith.
...
No, I don't want you to write about that. Yeah, it ------ me off when I read, sure, but can't expect that guy to start taking responsibility or talking to my face all of the sudden when he never has before. And Shard told me about a line. Got my line.
...
I'll listen to Shard.
Wait, did you write that last part down too? Fine, whatever. Stop now though.
...
Hey, Ayallah -- what? A diary? Yeah, tell stormbird I didn't see. Can she show me? Where is she?
...
----, man. Stop! Enough.
Written By Ras
July 27, 2020, 7:11 p.m.(9/24/1013 AR)
Two years ago, my sister told me to yield to a silk. To live to fight another day, to blend in. But I didn't wanna blend in. I told her that I hate the way things are, and if I backed off, it'd turn into my whole life. Just backing off and telling myself I'd fight some other time or some other way, until I got so sick of living that way that I'd jump off the rocks.
Back then I didn't have someone to live for who made living that way worth it.
Back then I didn't have someone to live for who made living that way worth it.
Written By Ras
June 28, 2020, 5:09 p.m.(7/22/1013 AR)
Letting someone down when they think nice things about you ain't fun but sometimes it's only fair.
There's changes I wanna see in my life, but maybe I'll only end up seeing myself change.
There's changes I wanna see in my life, but maybe I'll only end up seeing myself change.
Written By Ras
June 8, 2020, 6:10 p.m.(6/10/1013 AR)
Relationship Note on Tescelina
You were nice.
Written By Ras
May 10, 2020, 10:32 p.m.(4/9/1013 AR)
Spring again.
The first day of spring last year was a promise to skip stones on the river. Painted with mud on a piece of driftwood.
I remember waiting for the sixteenth. That day was gonna be safe.
This year I've grown. I don't think there are safe days, anymore. You can wake up one morning and be happy. See flowers in a mug on the table, from someone you love. And then later that same day everything can be totally different. You could be thinking that night's your end.
Well, to be trusted you gotta be someone worth trusting.
Next year. Maybe. This year I'm opening an investigating office in the Lowers. There's a lot of work to do.
The first day of spring last year was a promise to skip stones on the river. Painted with mud on a piece of driftwood.
I remember waiting for the sixteenth. That day was gonna be safe.
This year I've grown. I don't think there are safe days, anymore. You can wake up one morning and be happy. See flowers in a mug on the table, from someone you love. And then later that same day everything can be totally different. You could be thinking that night's your end.
Well, to be trusted you gotta be someone worth trusting.
Next year. Maybe. This year I'm opening an investigating office in the Lowers. There's a lot of work to do.
Written By Ras
April 19, 2020, 10:08 p.m.(2/22/1013 AR)
There's love and warmth and gladness in the Lowers.
And good people, too.
And good people, too.
Written By Ras
March 31, 2020, 11:13 a.m.(1/11/1013 AR)
Relationship Note on Behtuk
Where's Behtuk?
The firepit's been cold a long time. Used to come in sometimes when I'd gotten tired of knockin on Nyce's door, and sit with him and we'd eat fish stew and talk. Nobody's in the smithy. No sounds from the forge. It's quiet but not quiet like he was. He was a good kinda quiet and this is a bad one. Not the kinda quiet of a shop that's been neatly closed for a trip somewhere.
Today I went to see him to talk about a case. Maybe if I'd come sooner I would know what happened. Maybe I could've helped. There aren't that many folk I like and he's one. Didn't know him that well, but he said some of the things that've stuck with me the longest, about the north and his tribe and how they worked. When they hunt everyone eats.
I gotta find out where he is. If anyone (who reads this shit) knows, come find me.
The firepit's been cold a long time. Used to come in sometimes when I'd gotten tired of knockin on Nyce's door, and sit with him and we'd eat fish stew and talk. Nobody's in the smithy. No sounds from the forge. It's quiet but not quiet like he was. He was a good kinda quiet and this is a bad one. Not the kinda quiet of a shop that's been neatly closed for a trip somewhere.
Today I went to see him to talk about a case. Maybe if I'd come sooner I would know what happened. Maybe I could've helped. There aren't that many folk I like and he's one. Didn't know him that well, but he said some of the things that've stuck with me the longest, about the north and his tribe and how they worked. When they hunt everyone eats.
I gotta find out where he is. If anyone (who reads this shit) knows, come find me.
Written By Ras
March 30, 2020, 7:45 a.m.(1/9/1013 AR)
Relationship Note on Arcadia
We weren't close enough to even half understand each other, so there's a lot I could say but don't have any right. Hope you get to the Wheel safe.
Written By Ras
March 22, 2020, 4:57 p.m.(12/22/1012 AR)
Relationship Note on Juniper
Guess you knew what both views looked like. The long view of the Gods, and the short view of everyone you knew would miss you. You were good like that.
The Lowers ain't the same without you around.
I promise not to let Hope down.
The Lowers ain't the same without you around.
I promise not to let Hope down.
Written By Ras
Jan. 27, 2020, 6:28 p.m.(8.736041666666667/28.218333333333334/1012.6446701388888 AR)
Relationship Note on Josephine
Maybe someday I'll be worth what you wanted to give me.
But if I never get that far, I hope at least you'll be proud of my choices when I see you again. Cuz I'll do the right thing, and I know what it is.
And I'll do everything you asked in the letter, too.
But if I never get that far, I hope at least you'll be proud of my choices when I see you again. Cuz I'll do the right thing, and I know what it is.
And I'll do everything you asked in the letter, too.
Written By Ras
Jan. 4, 2020, 11:55 p.m.(7/4/1012 AR)
Relationship Note on Nycelani
Nothing ever works.
Written By Ras
Dec. 16, 2019, 4:54 p.m.(5/21/1012 AR)
Some folk are so good and true that even when you're sure they'll turn sour, they stay strong and kind and twist what's bitter to be straight again.
Written By Ras
Dec. 4, 2019, 8:12 a.m.(4/24/1012 AR)
Relationship Note on Elisha
I'm sorry to my sister cuz I didn't keep my word, but I couldn't go anywhere without your shadow at the corners of my eyes, and I was drunk. No excuse, just the truth. Another broken promise. Can't count how many times I've let stormbird down. And you, told you I'd find you. I tried not to cuz Maja said she needed me, but in the end just couldn't hold still.
It's cuz I went by the Steep and stopped to look inside the window to see if you were there. But you weren't. And I remembered that you'd never be there again.
At the gate, there was a caravan goin north, and after I got with em, wasn't easy to stop. Outside of Arx, your shadow wasn't there. All I could think of was you somewhere lost and alone, even though at night, Maja's cryin face wouldn't let me sleep. So much worse than Jeffy's sad looks.
In the end, it wasn't my choice to come home. But I guess there wasn't any other choice to make. I couldn't find you.
Couldn't be there for you even though you were always there for me. When I was mean to you. When I told you shit that nobody else would just believe. When I made mistakes, bad mistakes. When I was hidin from the guards, or when I was in jail, or doin penance, or when anythin bad and boring happened, or whenever I was happy bout anythin good, you were there for me.
You listened to my stupid stories, you read me your poems and asked questions about what words were better - who else would ask me about words? You gave me ideas about things that were botherin me or things that I thought were okay and weren't. You told me secrets, but none of the really scary ones, and no matter what you knew you were always sweet. You were there when Nyce's million silver was on the floor, and you talked about the ladder instead. You made me laugh harder than anybody else could, and shared your gross lumps of hand-grease bread, and left things at my place that reminded you of me, and if I hadn't tidied, you'd have made as much of a mess there as you made of your own apartment. Now I wouldn't mind the mess.
You'd tell me about shit that worried you or shit that hurt your feelings, even though your feelings didn't get hurt a lot, cuz you were always floating. You floated better than anyone in the world. You were the only person I could listen to bout floating without gettin pissed off, and you told me that you were pissed off too, and you just dealt different from me or most folk. I'd never seen you as angry at all, and when you shared that, it felt like somethin special, like I understood a secret part of you. I'm bad at floating, but you sat with me until I slept when I was sad, you never tried to talk about things when I didn't want to, you never blamed me for ruining your life, and you always tried to help - with my cases, girl problems, with anythin. You always had the best ideas about what to do. If it wasn't for you I wouldn't've been brave enough to tell her how I felt, and cuz of you I lived the happiest weeks of my life.
You'd shove me if I needed a shove, or hug if I needed a hug, or tell me to get outta there if I wanted to go. You'd call me all those silly names, like twice-baked goose egg, or Alaras, or rattle-pated squirrel-sniffer, or cloudtouched, or Rassie, or whatever. I'm not the only one who's gonna miss your name-callin. Syd doesn't know who'll understand why she's the Waterfall now. You could pretend anythin. Nobody else woulda said a booger was my kingly retainer. Nobody else coulda come up with Allicot Percival Thoroughgood.
And you weren't just funny or clever. You'd stand in front of someone who was askin after my embarrassing secrets, and not tell her, even though you knew. Even though you suck at keepin secrets and barely ever remember which is whose. I never told you what that meant to me, that you didn't tell, but I trusted you. I could trust you to be you and to be my friend no matter what. You never asked me to change, or scolded me for gettin into shit. And in the end, you knew all my secrets, except for what happened right before they took you away. I never got the chance to tell you that one, but I know you wouldn't've hated me even for somethin so bad. You never hated anyone, and you told me everyone was the same. That was crazy but it made me think.
You'd say a lot of crazy things, but I started to understand how you thought, and to sorta know what crazy thing you'd be about to say some of the times - like that shit you said about Orathy - even if I didn't always agree, or even get it totally. Your mind just worked different and I guess you couldn't stop in the end. You just weren't made to be a costermonger, or a matchmaker, or anybody except you. Stormbird understood that you had to be true to your soul. I don't blame you for anythin. After all, you never even locked your door.
I'll never know somebody else like you...
I can't go to the bath house without seein you sittin in the cold tub singin in the middle of winter. You were a shitty singer but I liked to hear anyway. I can't stay home without seein you on the couch. Always takin off your boots. At the park, I keep expectin you on a picnic table writin poems and stories. Can't go to the graveyard without thinkin of you picking flowers there. When I look at a window at night and see reflections, I remember what we talked about that last time we talked alone at the bakery, hours before sunrise, and it's almost like I can see your reflection beside mine for a second. Are you on the other side of the dark glass? Hazers at the Hollow say they miss you. But they can't miss you as much as I do.
Rinel warned me about sayin goodbye. You'll never have that tea party you were plannin for her now, and the last time I saw you I didn't say goodbye at all. We were celebratin that you'd made it to the sixteenth, and I thought everythin was gonna be okay. You were laughin, and makin friends with other people's dogs, and callin me an inventor and callin Syd 'Lady Sydonia Floribund'. I wanted to move my chair closer to yours, cuz you were like the sun and I was cold.
Now I'm always cold. Stormbird says the sun's gone to shine on other lands, just like you told me about the twigs in the river. Always floating, always there, even if I couldn't see you, and it's true. There's hardly anywhere in the Lowers where I don't think of you. Your shadow's always here. I can stand on the roof waitin for years and feelin like you'll be there any minute, but.
You're actually gone. I can't really see you. Rat kebabs don't taste the same. Bread's like dry mud in my mouth. I haven't tried soup'n'biscuits again yet but I bet it's shit too. Nothin will ever be the same.
Nobody'll understand how you changed my life completely. I became a better person cuz of you, somebody who cared about how other people felt and saw the value of love instead of just speed. You made me start thinkin I could be good, instead of just bad all the time. And cuz of you, I won't stop tryin.
I want you to know that there's a lot of folk who care about you. Who told me to take you to the spiritwalkers, or to Estroch, and how to fix us disguises so we could come home again. Who tried to give me gems to trade with Abandoned, or coin for the road, and didn't get pissed that I wanted to find you. Who told me to tell you that they loved you, and that we'd have gone with blessings and prayers.
But I let everyone down, in every way, every time. You were the only one who never minded that. I'll miss you forever, Eli.
...
And I don't care who else reads this. For once in my life I'll be as brave as the poet, with his soul held out in open hands, who didn't write to the blacks.
...
Flax-embossed turdlings.
It's cuz I went by the Steep and stopped to look inside the window to see if you were there. But you weren't. And I remembered that you'd never be there again.
At the gate, there was a caravan goin north, and after I got with em, wasn't easy to stop. Outside of Arx, your shadow wasn't there. All I could think of was you somewhere lost and alone, even though at night, Maja's cryin face wouldn't let me sleep. So much worse than Jeffy's sad looks.
In the end, it wasn't my choice to come home. But I guess there wasn't any other choice to make. I couldn't find you.
Couldn't be there for you even though you were always there for me. When I was mean to you. When I told you shit that nobody else would just believe. When I made mistakes, bad mistakes. When I was hidin from the guards, or when I was in jail, or doin penance, or when anythin bad and boring happened, or whenever I was happy bout anythin good, you were there for me.
You listened to my stupid stories, you read me your poems and asked questions about what words were better - who else would ask me about words? You gave me ideas about things that were botherin me or things that I thought were okay and weren't. You told me secrets, but none of the really scary ones, and no matter what you knew you were always sweet. You were there when Nyce's million silver was on the floor, and you talked about the ladder instead. You made me laugh harder than anybody else could, and shared your gross lumps of hand-grease bread, and left things at my place that reminded you of me, and if I hadn't tidied, you'd have made as much of a mess there as you made of your own apartment. Now I wouldn't mind the mess.
You'd tell me about shit that worried you or shit that hurt your feelings, even though your feelings didn't get hurt a lot, cuz you were always floating. You floated better than anyone in the world. You were the only person I could listen to bout floating without gettin pissed off, and you told me that you were pissed off too, and you just dealt different from me or most folk. I'd never seen you as angry at all, and when you shared that, it felt like somethin special, like I understood a secret part of you. I'm bad at floating, but you sat with me until I slept when I was sad, you never tried to talk about things when I didn't want to, you never blamed me for ruining your life, and you always tried to help - with my cases, girl problems, with anythin. You always had the best ideas about what to do. If it wasn't for you I wouldn't've been brave enough to tell her how I felt, and cuz of you I lived the happiest weeks of my life.
You'd shove me if I needed a shove, or hug if I needed a hug, or tell me to get outta there if I wanted to go. You'd call me all those silly names, like twice-baked goose egg, or Alaras, or rattle-pated squirrel-sniffer, or cloudtouched, or Rassie, or whatever. I'm not the only one who's gonna miss your name-callin. Syd doesn't know who'll understand why she's the Waterfall now. You could pretend anythin. Nobody else woulda said a booger was my kingly retainer. Nobody else coulda come up with Allicot Percival Thoroughgood.
And you weren't just funny or clever. You'd stand in front of someone who was askin after my embarrassing secrets, and not tell her, even though you knew. Even though you suck at keepin secrets and barely ever remember which is whose. I never told you what that meant to me, that you didn't tell, but I trusted you. I could trust you to be you and to be my friend no matter what. You never asked me to change, or scolded me for gettin into shit. And in the end, you knew all my secrets, except for what happened right before they took you away. I never got the chance to tell you that one, but I know you wouldn't've hated me even for somethin so bad. You never hated anyone, and you told me everyone was the same. That was crazy but it made me think.
You'd say a lot of crazy things, but I started to understand how you thought, and to sorta know what crazy thing you'd be about to say some of the times - like that shit you said about Orathy - even if I didn't always agree, or even get it totally. Your mind just worked different and I guess you couldn't stop in the end. You just weren't made to be a costermonger, or a matchmaker, or anybody except you. Stormbird understood that you had to be true to your soul. I don't blame you for anythin. After all, you never even locked your door.
I'll never know somebody else like you...
I can't go to the bath house without seein you sittin in the cold tub singin in the middle of winter. You were a shitty singer but I liked to hear anyway. I can't stay home without seein you on the couch. Always takin off your boots. At the park, I keep expectin you on a picnic table writin poems and stories. Can't go to the graveyard without thinkin of you picking flowers there. When I look at a window at night and see reflections, I remember what we talked about that last time we talked alone at the bakery, hours before sunrise, and it's almost like I can see your reflection beside mine for a second. Are you on the other side of the dark glass? Hazers at the Hollow say they miss you. But they can't miss you as much as I do.
Rinel warned me about sayin goodbye. You'll never have that tea party you were plannin for her now, and the last time I saw you I didn't say goodbye at all. We were celebratin that you'd made it to the sixteenth, and I thought everythin was gonna be okay. You were laughin, and makin friends with other people's dogs, and callin me an inventor and callin Syd 'Lady Sydonia Floribund'. I wanted to move my chair closer to yours, cuz you were like the sun and I was cold.
Now I'm always cold. Stormbird says the sun's gone to shine on other lands, just like you told me about the twigs in the river. Always floating, always there, even if I couldn't see you, and it's true. There's hardly anywhere in the Lowers where I don't think of you. Your shadow's always here. I can stand on the roof waitin for years and feelin like you'll be there any minute, but.
You're actually gone. I can't really see you. Rat kebabs don't taste the same. Bread's like dry mud in my mouth. I haven't tried soup'n'biscuits again yet but I bet it's shit too. Nothin will ever be the same.
Nobody'll understand how you changed my life completely. I became a better person cuz of you, somebody who cared about how other people felt and saw the value of love instead of just speed. You made me start thinkin I could be good, instead of just bad all the time. And cuz of you, I won't stop tryin.
I want you to know that there's a lot of folk who care about you. Who told me to take you to the spiritwalkers, or to Estroch, and how to fix us disguises so we could come home again. Who tried to give me gems to trade with Abandoned, or coin for the road, and didn't get pissed that I wanted to find you. Who told me to tell you that they loved you, and that we'd have gone with blessings and prayers.
But I let everyone down, in every way, every time. You were the only one who never minded that. I'll miss you forever, Eli.
...
And I don't care who else reads this. For once in my life I'll be as brave as the poet, with his soul held out in open hands, who didn't write to the blacks.
...
Flax-embossed turdlings.
Written By Ras
Nov. 21, 2019, 7:50 p.m.(3/27/1012 AR)
Bought a potato from a costermonger in Commons Square. Best potato in all of Arvum. Best costermonger, too. Everyone should go buy a potato there.
Written By Ras
Nov. 2, 2019, 12:32 p.m.(2/16/1012 AR)
"...even the most terrible moments of the Dream are weaker than love."
Somethin Eli said in a weird dream I had. Figured those're some strong words anyone might wanna know.
Love can be terrible too, but I reckon it's worth whatever, in the end.
Somethin Eli said in a weird dream I had. Figured those're some strong words anyone might wanna know.
Love can be terrible too, but I reckon it's worth whatever, in the end.
Written By Ras
Oct. 26, 2019, 3:53 p.m.(2/2/1012 AR)
If there wasn't work to do, if I hadn't made promises to friends, if there was only one kind of love and not all the many different kinds...
Y'know, from far enough away, the snowflakes turn invisible before they even touch the Gray River. Can't even keep your eyes on em.
Y'know, from far enough away, the snowflakes turn invisible before they even touch the Gray River. Can't even keep your eyes on em.
Written By Ras
Oct. 21, 2019, 8:46 a.m.(1/20/1012 AR)
Relationship Note on Elisha
Some things you understand only if you've been in the shadow of the upper city your whole life. And if you ain't a bootlicker.
And some things you can't post in the Whites cuz people you love could be hurt. Hurt by what's below, or by what's above. But sometimes they'll be hurt either way.
Eli's poems aren't prophecies or anythin stupid like that. If you know what they're about, you know what they're about. If you don't, you're not payin enough attention.
I wasn't, until just a couple weeks ago. Thought they were just kinda made-up stories with pretty words that were just fun and crazy. I said he's gotta stop sendin em to the Whites and just send em to friends instead, cuz of some advice from a smart apprentice Whisper.
So, the duchess of thieves poem got to me in a letter.
That's when I knew. It was selfish to tell him to keep his shit secret, and I told him so. That poem's a reflection of the story of Wisdom and Woe. If you wanna hear more, then find me. Probably in the Lowers.
And some things you can't post in the Whites cuz people you love could be hurt. Hurt by what's below, or by what's above. But sometimes they'll be hurt either way.
Eli's poems aren't prophecies or anythin stupid like that. If you know what they're about, you know what they're about. If you don't, you're not payin enough attention.
I wasn't, until just a couple weeks ago. Thought they were just kinda made-up stories with pretty words that were just fun and crazy. I said he's gotta stop sendin em to the Whites and just send em to friends instead, cuz of some advice from a smart apprentice Whisper.
So, the duchess of thieves poem got to me in a letter.
That's when I knew. It was selfish to tell him to keep his shit secret, and I told him so. That poem's a reflection of the story of Wisdom and Woe. If you wanna hear more, then find me. Probably in the Lowers.
Written By Ras
Oct. 15, 2019, 4:20 a.m.(1/8/1012 AR)
If you're just walkin on the street, it's fine. But go climb a building, then walk off the edge, and you'll see how the street feels. Specially if somebody dug a hole that got forgotten about on the other side of the building.
Written By Ras
Oct. 9, 2019, 4:15 a.m.(12/24/1011 AR)
Can't remember being happier in my whole life.
Sometimes you can be so happy that you also feel bad, cuz folk you care about are still dealin with shit. But shit doesn't ever stop, and happiness doesn't last.
I'll just be happy. Ain't like I can stop.
Sometimes you can be so happy that you also feel bad, cuz folk you care about are still dealin with shit. But shit doesn't ever stop, and happiness doesn't last.
I'll just be happy. Ain't like I can stop.
Please note that the scholars may take some time preparing your journal for others to read.