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Written By Esera

Nov. 29, 2021, 5:26 p.m.(8/27/1016 AR)

There is power in ghosts -- in the memories that cling to this world like drops of dew to grass.

Sometimes, I take Donato through the gardens, beneath the weeping wisteria, and I tell him about his mother and father -- about my memories of them -- and those memories shine like a silver light around us. I like to think he can see the outline of them, in that light. That he can almost reach out and touch them. But ghosts, like legacies, are always just out of reach. We are always chasing them.

My dear Donato, you hold your parents' light like a beacon, a path through any darkness -- or into it. I will be there, whichever path you choose.

Written By Esera

July 2, 2021, 10:25 a.m.(10/6/1015 AR)

Marquessa Lianne Malespero's masquerade was lovely -- I had the good fortune to attend. She's lovely, too. A bright light in the Lyceum, though it is not the sort of light you might imagine. Not the light of the sun, or the moon. Something of her own making, I think.

I fell in love with a common man too, you know? At least, I thought so at the time. But it was never a very healthy love, or a very true one, not for either of us, and I was glad for him when his heart found another. Glad for her, too.

I'm sorry I was not there for them, in the end. To protect them. To burn all their enemies and all their sorrows to cinders.

I miss them.

Written By Esera

May 17, 2020, 11:01 a.m.(4/22/1013 AR)

At the risk of giving the impression I have nothing better to do with my time than trawl public journals (though this is a common affliction of dead princesses), let me just say the things that regularly violated the sanctity of /my/ bedchambers in my first year as Archduchess were a real trip. A real. Trip.

Written By Esera

May 16, 2020, 7:05 p.m.(4/20/1013 AR)

As the daughter of the Grand Duchess, I was raised with the expectation of leadership. Raised with the belief that the Lyceum would thrive or perish by my hand, by my will.

With one careless stroke of a pen, a thousand people could die, my mother told me. Thousands. And though it might not be my family dying, might not be my friends, I would still ache just the same -- for the unknown, for the strangers. And that this was my duty, as a leader. To ache.

But to harden my heart, also.

I became Archduchess so much younger than I thought, and I thought, from all the games I'd played, all the little conniving dances, that I'd hardened my heart ... But there was so much grief in the aftermath of my mother's death, so much heartbreak in the sudden unraveling of the unknown ... And anyway, I didn't last very long, did I? As Grand Duchess? So who am I to say?

And I know, as a dead princess who is of no immediate use to anyone, my word holds very little weight -- and it is so easy to ask, if you felt that way, why weren't you there? and why didn't you? -- but I do still believe, at my core, that there are hundreds of thousands, millions!, of faces you will never know, and names you will never hear, and your duty is no less for not knowing them, not naming them.

You owe your blood, sweat and tears to these people, as they owe theirs to you. It is a relationship of reciprocity, of ... Synergy.

In the end, we all have our roles to play.

Written By Esera

April 30, 2020, 5:47 p.m.(3/16/1013 AR)

I have very strong bones.

Written By Esera

April 6, 2020, 5:18 p.m.(1/24/1013 AR)

I've been taking the time to read through my journal entries. The old ones, before my fall. I've been taking the time to remember.

The death of my mother, my coronation. The Nox'Alfar. The Teind. Excommunication. All the things that the world remembers, that history remembers. But I am finding other memories, too.

Sitting beside Edain, beneath the boughs of a weeping willow. Resting my head upon his shoulder. Smiling.

Dancing with Hadrian, at the edge of the reflecting pool, at the edge of a knife.

Fighting with my sister, Isolde. You would not believe the fights we'd have! You would not believe the /love/ we had.

Talen, and Eleyna . . . my father . . . my mother, with the spiders in her eyes. So many, many memories.

I am rediscovering the shape of who I am. I am rekindling my light.

Written By Esera

Jan. 20, 2017, 10 a.m.(9/17/1005 AR)

I ache.

Written By Esera

Jan. 18, 2017, 9:47 a.m.(9/11/1005 AR)

The Nox'Alfar killed my mother. They killed her, and cut off her head.

I felt no joy at my Coronation. I felt fury, and grief. I felt my blood /burn/. I longed for revenge so much I felt empty, hollowed out. I would find my mother's killers, I thought. I would destroy them.

And then the world began to change. Then, the world began to awaken.

I learned that I could not destroy my mother's killers. I could not rise against them, and it was not because I was weak, or soft, though I may have been. It was because we needed them. We needed those mad, dark creatures, and their mad, dark magic. We needed their accursed Teind.

I voted to restore their Treaty. I lost my mother to them, and I still voted to restore their Treaty. I saw in my father's eyes I might lose him to them, too, and I still voted to restore their damn Treaty. To protect my people, and protect the Compact, I cast this vote. As my skin crawled, and my heart broke, I /cast this vote/.

And it was for nothing. The Treaty is ended. Our alliance is broken. We are alone in a world full of darkness, and terror. A world of unchained evil.

The Regent Council says it was too much, the demands made against Prince Anze too cruel. Why was my mother's death not too much? Why was the King's sleep not too much? Why, only now, this...? All leaders must eventually take a stand. All leaders must eventually say: "No. Enough is enough. This far and no farther." I just ...

I'm sorry. I fought my own heart, to do better by my people. To make the hard choice I thought we needed to make. Now we stand without allies, with few weapons. We stand, having outrun our light.

I can feel my blood begin to burn again. Something has to change.

Written By Esera

Jan. 14, 2017, 2:18 p.m.(8/28/1005 AR)

I am the Grand Duchess of the Lyceum. My will is the will of the South. Rise against me, and you rise against the Lyceum. Rise against the Lyceum, and you rise against me. Raise your sword against Tor, against Southport, or Setarco, or Gemecitta, and you will be answered by the sword of Lenosia.

Against the evils of this world, we must stand for something more than ambition. Against those evils, we must stand together.

Written By Esera

Jan. 8, 2017, 9:50 a.m.(8/9/1005 AR)

The Teind is abhorrent. My blood burns against it.

Before the Assembly, I spoke to my Vassals. I asked them to support me, to fight with me, to find a future with no Teind, and no blood sacrifice. Some supported me in this. Passionately. They did not wish this choice -- this concession to the Nox'Alfar -- to be what the Compact becomes, as the world awakens.

Others, though they abhorred the Teind as I did, urged me to support it. To carry the burden of guilt for the sacrifice of those thirteen men. You wish to protect those thirteen men, they told me. You will protect those thirteen men -- and you will destroy the world. You will see all life, and all hope, devoured. And then your ideals will not have mattered at all. What you wished the Compact to be will not have mattered -- because there will be no Compact.

I was torn. The choice felt ... Impossible. It was not until I talked to Dawn that my choice was made. You might hate her. You might hate the mistakes she made as Regent. But if this woman would carry the guilt for the Teind, if she would take this stain upon herself, for the sake of the Compact ... I could not let her carry it alone. Though that, it seems, is exactly what she meant to do, all along.

You are right to hate the Teind. You are right to hate the decision the Assembly made. That you hate the Teind gives me hope that this will not be what the Compact becomes. This will NOT be what defines us.

This will be the last Teind. This will be the last of the Nox'Alfar. No one may harm us unpunished.

Written By Esera

Jan. 1, 2017, 9:13 p.m.(7/18/1005 AR)

Relationship Note on Leo

Duke Leo Fidante is headstrong, which is a nice way of saying he's a bit of an asshole. Yet, if he is an asshole, he is nevertheless an asshole dedicated to the protection of the Lyceum, and I could not fault any man for that -- headstrong, or otherwise. He has cloaked himself in honor, and sworn himself to duty. He would give his life for the people of Tor. I could ask no more of Duke Fidante -- yet I may still.

Written By Esera

Jan. 1, 2017, 8:48 p.m.(7/18/1005 AR)

Relationship Note on Edain

You came to me, when I first arrived in Arx, and you asked me to rebuild the burnt bridges between the Lyceum and the Oathlands. I thought you were naive. I thought you were a fool. So much hate, I thought, could not be undone.

Now I am the one undone, my world changed. Now, anything seems possible. I do not know if we can build those bridges, Edain, but we will try. For the the sake of our people, and the Compact we all serve, we will try.

You are my Light. You are probably also still a fool.

Written By Esera

Dec. 21, 2016, 3:02 p.m.(6/12/1005 AR)

You cannot know the value of a soul. You cannot weigh it, or measure it, cannot hold it in your hands. But great souls are not bound by station. They are not bound by bloodline, or name. They are born into paupers, and they are born into princes. All men have the capacity to be great.

All men have the capacity -- but not all men have the time. We cannot protect them all, and we are poorer for every loss.

Written By Esera

Dec. 11, 2016, 8:57 p.m.(5/11/1005 AR)

The flowers look different, this Spring. It is like some secret flame illuminates them. Some newly awakened light.

Written By Esera

Dec. 11, 2016, 8:34 p.m.(5/11/1005 AR)

Relationship Note on Branan

This man was bold enough to ask for a job, and because I favor bold men, I gave him one. He is a man of Lenosia, and a poet. But no man of Lenosia is ever just one thing -- no man is ever /just/ a poet. I wonder what else he is, when his mask falls aways? I wonder what he dreams, when there's no one there to see him dreaming?

Written By Esera

Nov. 27, 2016, 11:42 p.m.(3/25/1005 AR)

Relationship Note on Serafine

My cousin Serafine has always been fierce. She is a fighter -- in spirit, and in deed. No, you would never know she was a Velenosa, to look at her. Her destiny pulled her a different direction than the rest of us -- but it pulled her back to us, too. I am sorry for how it happened, but not sorry to have her back. Family is family. We all serve our House.

Written By Esera

Nov. 27, 2016, 11:32 p.m.(3/25/1005 AR)

Relationship Note on Eleyna

My cousin is cold, like starlight -- a distant, beautiful thing. I grew up with her. Played beside her, as a child. We are family. Through every loss and hurt, we are bonded -- and she has had to carry the burden of so much loss and hurt. So much more than I have lost. Than I could imagine losing. I do not like to see her grief turned against her. Black widow, indeed. It is no wonder she is cold.

Written By Esera

Nov. 18, 2016, 8:27 a.m.(2/25/1005 AR)

You cannot die, you cannot sleep, you cannot wake anew. You are always You. Your shackles are infinity.

Written By Esera

Nov. 15, 2016, 8:52 a.m.(2/16/1005 AR)

Of course, Talen's snake would probably just eat the cat. Dammit. Now I need a lion.

Written By Esera

Nov. 15, 2016, 8:45 a.m.(2/16/1005 AR)

My little sister's getting married before me ... I'm an old maid. I have no choice now but to marry duty and start day drinking. I should probably get a cat.

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