Written By Bhandn
Nov. 18, 2021, 7:03 p.m.(8/5/1016 AR)
I finally managed to get my hands on those baker books that I heard murmured about at the House. I don't think I have ever laughed so hard at anything written in my life.
I can't wait to show these to the lad. He is going to murder me in my sleep when he reads the first one.
I wonder how many in the Order have read them all? I'll have to find out.
I can't wait to show these to the lad. He is going to murder me in my sleep when he reads the first one.
I wonder how many in the Order have read them all? I'll have to find out.
Written By Bhandn
Aug. 29, 2021, 6:20 p.m.(2/11/1016 AR)
It's difficult for me to put into words my feelings about Bastion, though I've had many days to think on them. Anger is the primary emotion, however, and the reasons for that are straightforward. The ones who attacked the city showed no regard for innocents, and used the gifts they were given to cause destruction and death. If there is any justice in the world, they will be found and put to the sword for the atrocities they committed that day.
Would that I could give a full account of my feelings, but perhaps it is best that I stop here. It angers me just to write about this much. No one who is called a knight slaughters innocents. No one.
Would that I could give a full account of my feelings, but perhaps it is best that I stop here. It angers me just to write about this much. No one who is called a knight slaughters innocents. No one.
Written By Bhandn
Aug. 14, 2021, 6:26 p.m.(1/9/1016 AR)
I went to the Valardin masquerade held this recent evening, and I must say it was quite the eye opener. I'll have to spend much more time on an appropriate costume should I choose to attend one again. I certainly did not get to dance as I wanted to that night, which was unfortunate. I had harbored hopes of enticing at least one or two ladies onto the floor.
The food and wine was absolutely delightful. That alone is tempting enough to make me want to attend more of these events, and I am not one for much drinking of wine.
The food and wine was absolutely delightful. That alone is tempting enough to make me want to attend more of these events, and I am not one for much drinking of wine.
Written By Bhandn
Dec. 19, 2020, 10:22 a.m.(8/6/1014 AR)
I'm reminded of days that seem a lifetime ago, even though they were among my earliest days here in the city. It's hard to believe I've been here for years already, for that matter. I'm reminded of the times when I struggled alone in research. The lad is occupied with another project, so I've been toiling on my own.
It really is strange how much a difference one person can make when it concerns looking for information. These days where I am searching alone are what I find myself recalling. What I couldn't recall was the sense of frustration that came with it. I really have grown dependent on the lad in helping with my own studies, it seems.
It's a very curious sensation, that frustration, one I felt I had to record.
It really is strange how much a difference one person can make when it concerns looking for information. These days where I am searching alone are what I find myself recalling. What I couldn't recall was the sense of frustration that came with it. I really have grown dependent on the lad in helping with my own studies, it seems.
It's a very curious sensation, that frustration, one I felt I had to record.
Written By Bhandn
Aug. 23, 2020, 9:15 p.m.(11/22/1013 AR)
I'm not one for writing about matters such as this, but I was encouraged to do so by an unexpected provocateur.
Today I managed to find a great deal of bacon at one of the butchers, and I bought the entire lot. Before I knew it, it was cooked and eaten, with several large eggs I also procured along with some fine black tea and, yes, coffee. A small repayment for kindness is the least that I could do for the Grandmaster and the others after what happened recently.
Already I find myself diverging towards that topic, and the look I'm being given is rather startling to see. The lad won't like me talking about his glowering here, but if he's opening up even more, than eventually he'll find that people have plenty to say, and to write, about others. Let this be the first public record that I couldn't be prouder of the progress which Aendal Ferrin has shown since I took him in. You have so much potential in you, and all you need is the will to achieve it.
Today I managed to find a great deal of bacon at one of the butchers, and I bought the entire lot. Before I knew it, it was cooked and eaten, with several large eggs I also procured along with some fine black tea and, yes, coffee. A small repayment for kindness is the least that I could do for the Grandmaster and the others after what happened recently.
Already I find myself diverging towards that topic, and the look I'm being given is rather startling to see. The lad won't like me talking about his glowering here, but if he's opening up even more, than eventually he'll find that people have plenty to say, and to write, about others. Let this be the first public record that I couldn't be prouder of the progress which Aendal Ferrin has shown since I took him in. You have so much potential in you, and all you need is the will to achieve it.
Written By Bhandn
Aug. 9, 2020, 7:07 p.m.(10/22/1013 AR)
As expected, I got quite a bruising in today's activity. My side feels like it's trying to split open and spill my blood as it did all those years ago. Stupid scar has been tender ever since I got it, but that's my burden to bear and no fault of my comrades' in striking it.
Still, no one seemed to be entirely downtrodden over how events played out, and that was the most important point of all. I'll have to think on ways to improve that little exercise, but I'm not certain I could do much better than Dame Harthall. Most of the work was completely to her credit.
Still, no one seemed to be entirely downtrodden over how events played out, and that was the most important point of all. I'll have to think on ways to improve that little exercise, but I'm not certain I could do much better than Dame Harthall. Most of the work was completely to her credit.
Written By Bhandn
July 24, 2020, 8:33 p.m.(9/18/1013 AR)
A fair number of people turned out to the Gauntlet event that Dame Harthall and I hosted. I was rather surprised by the number, myself, but all in all it went very well. If anything, it was very educational as to just how many people, of common roots and of the peerage, could handle being put through a grueling series of challenges.
I want to leave record here of my appreciation to Dame Bree for her assistance in handling some of the details, as well as keeping track of the scores everyone earned. I do not think I could have done it as well without the help, so I demonstrate my gratitude here for everyone to see.
I want to leave record here of my appreciation to Dame Bree for her assistance in handling some of the details, as well as keeping track of the scores everyone earned. I do not think I could have done it as well without the help, so I demonstrate my gratitude here for everyone to see.
Written By Bhandn
July 20, 2020, 12:04 p.m.(9/10/1013 AR)
Relationship Note on Bree
Imagine my surprise when I found out Dame Harthall had expressed wishes in the whites that I take a rather memorable merchant's son for a squire. I don't think she realizes that I already have a follower, and she does not. I wager that I would be more apt at enduring talk of finances than she would be. Perhaps I should send her a little test of patience just to prove my point. I do hope the lad is amenable to the idea.
Written By Bhandn
June 11, 2020, 10:15 a.m.(6/15/1013 AR)
The puppet show seemed to be a great success. I have no doubts that the children enjoyed it. It felt good. Ten years ago I would have needed to be dragged there by Valena or one of the others. I've definitely changed. Perhaps it was the sight of that poor child's face when she pulled on my sleeve and just wanted to be able to see better. Perhaps it was thinking of what Valena would have done in that situation. I'm not sure, but for a moment I thought I felt something in me change right at that moment.
Either way, the puppetry gave me an idea. I should try to remember to bring stories for next time.
Either way, the puppetry gave me an idea. I should try to remember to bring stories for next time.
Written By Bhandn
June 7, 2020, 5:26 p.m.(6/8/1013 AR)
It looks like I will be in charge of our next works of charity for the Lowers. Despite my objections to being unsuited for it, Dame Harthall and Her Highness, Princess Zara of House Valardin, both felt that I was doing myself a disservice. Perhaps they are right, given my own past efforts, but I can't help but feel apprehensive about managing the affairs of more people than just myself, as was the case before.
Still, as I said to them, I have my reasons for pursuing these works, and not simply because of the Grandmaster's agreement when he and I spoke of it last. I will hope that people will believe them to be _good_ reasons.
I certainly need to find more stories to share with the children, though. The puppet show will be a fantastic way of telling them.
Still, as I said to them, I have my reasons for pursuing these works, and not simply because of the Grandmaster's agreement when he and I spoke of it last. I will hope that people will believe them to be _good_ reasons.
I certainly need to find more stories to share with the children, though. The puppet show will be a fantastic way of telling them.
Written By Bhandn
April 19, 2020, 5:34 p.m.(2/22/1013 AR)
I have not been writing as much lately. Too much of my time has been spent in research and frustration. This is not to say I've been shirking at duties, but rather that any time for myself has been a grueling slog through text after text, hoping to find something that's relevant to the topic. I can only stand so many allusions in one day; I don't know how the lad can be happy going through so many treatises, let alone keep track of them all, but he actually said to me that it was fun for him. I can't judge a young man for doing what he wants.
Still, I suppose complaints are something I should not be putting to paper. It's good to be able to repay others for their aid. While I don't mind a bit of charity myself, it leaves me feeling as though it should be a favor returned. Perhaps that's my father's influence; merchants typically don't give out something for free, but rather expect payment for their goods. I think it was that as well as knighthood that makes me feel this need.
I will have to think on that, once I have finished this current project.
Still, I suppose complaints are something I should not be putting to paper. It's good to be able to repay others for their aid. While I don't mind a bit of charity myself, it leaves me feeling as though it should be a favor returned. Perhaps that's my father's influence; merchants typically don't give out something for free, but rather expect payment for their goods. I think it was that as well as knighthood that makes me feel this need.
I will have to think on that, once I have finished this current project.
Written By Bhandn
March 29, 2020, 12:09 p.m.(1/7/1013 AR)
Relationship Note on Juniper
I waited to write this out of respect for those who knew her better, so that they had the right to share their recollections first. It didn't seem proper to me, otherwise. With that in mind, I share my first meeting with Sister Juniper. It is not one that some would call very noteworthy, but I care not for such opinions. They were not there.
I'd been doing work in the Boroughs, particularly with seeing to the needs of some of the institutions set up there. Supplies, in this case, for the Hospice at which Sister Juniper gave her time. I had no sooner opened the door and my mouth to announce the purpose of my visit, when I became soaking wet from the bucket of water that was being discarded. I can clearly remember the moment after I became doused, and how she quickly ushered me in so that I can towel off and get dry. We then talked over tea while my shirt finished drying by the fire.
Regretfully, I can't recall the entire conversation; I've never been one to write down everything I do, unless it seemed of considerable import, most of which have been reports. Despite that, I can remember that the discussion was amicable and that I promised tea and the ingredients for making a fine stew. I can't remember words, but I can remember the supplies clearly. My father would have said that's because a merchant must always remember their clientele's needs, and perhaps there's more than a grain of truth to that. I hope that she and those in her care enjoyed the meals.
I'd been doing work in the Boroughs, particularly with seeing to the needs of some of the institutions set up there. Supplies, in this case, for the Hospice at which Sister Juniper gave her time. I had no sooner opened the door and my mouth to announce the purpose of my visit, when I became soaking wet from the bucket of water that was being discarded. I can clearly remember the moment after I became doused, and how she quickly ushered me in so that I can towel off and get dry. We then talked over tea while my shirt finished drying by the fire.
Regretfully, I can't recall the entire conversation; I've never been one to write down everything I do, unless it seemed of considerable import, most of which have been reports. Despite that, I can remember that the discussion was amicable and that I promised tea and the ingredients for making a fine stew. I can't remember words, but I can remember the supplies clearly. My father would have said that's because a merchant must always remember their clientele's needs, and perhaps there's more than a grain of truth to that. I hope that she and those in her care enjoyed the meals.
Written By Bhandn
Jan. 5, 2020, 2:07 p.m.(7/5/1012 AR)
I haven't written for quite some time, a fact that seemed slightly strange when I came to the realization. Between being ill and otherwise engaged in my personal endeavors, there's been a surprising amount of calm. I wouldn't go as far as to say it was peaceful, but it was a period of relative quiet all the same, aside from the illness.
I've volunteered to assist a project of Lady Laurent's, one which I would very much like to see succeed. The more stability and security that can be brought to the Great Road, the better, and this project would hopefully do both, given enough time and backing by the peers. Still, with any road that one walks, it requires steps to be taken; one cannot finish the journey without taking them. First one, then more, and eventually one arrives. While I can't see the destination for this particular path, I intend to make sure it is a /safe/ one.
I've volunteered to assist a project of Lady Laurent's, one which I would very much like to see succeed. The more stability and security that can be brought to the Great Road, the better, and this project would hopefully do both, given enough time and backing by the peers. Still, with any road that one walks, it requires steps to be taken; one cannot finish the journey without taking them. First one, then more, and eventually one arrives. While I can't see the destination for this particular path, I intend to make sure it is a /safe/ one.
Written By Bhandn
Oct. 20, 2019, 3:30 p.m.(1/18/1012 AR)
With how many bottles of hard drink I've purchased lately, I sometimes wonder how long it will be before someone asks me if everything is well, after which I become the subject of an interrogation as to why I'm drinking so much. Let this record show that not only is it not for me, but that it is proving very effective at calming the nerves when one is in a state of considerable anxiety.
Naturally, this leads to the question of why I have been scouring the city for strong drink of different types, and the simple answer to that is because I am trying to figure out which one will be received the most favorably. I rarely drink something strong myself, to the point that they all taste roughly the same to me, and they all burn the same way when going down. I realize that isn't exactly true, considering I prefer different types of honey in different types of tea, but that merely illustrates how little it is that I drink whiskey or rum or brandy or any of the others like them.
It's only a matter of time before someone interrogates me about the coffee purchases. Gods forbid if I have to explain /that/ in public.
Naturally, this leads to the question of why I have been scouring the city for strong drink of different types, and the simple answer to that is because I am trying to figure out which one will be received the most favorably. I rarely drink something strong myself, to the point that they all taste roughly the same to me, and they all burn the same way when going down. I realize that isn't exactly true, considering I prefer different types of honey in different types of tea, but that merely illustrates how little it is that I drink whiskey or rum or brandy or any of the others like them.
It's only a matter of time before someone interrogates me about the coffee purchases. Gods forbid if I have to explain /that/ in public.
Written By Bhandn
Oct. 6, 2019, 8:57 p.m.(12/19/1011 AR)
I was never really an avid jouster; my interest in it would be considered superficial by some, and they would be right. In practical terms, one isn't going to use a lance in combat for the purposes of unseating an enemy horseman. There is too much chaos, the movements too small, and it's rare anyone will be riding their horse in a straight line, let alone an opponent doing the same.
It is, however, something that some might say is expected of me, but they can say whatever they like. Traveling on the roads, I would say I am at best out of practice with a lance. I prefer using much shorter militant arms when I'm riding, and the close confines of a mounted combat typically require such.
The only reason I'm doing it today is because I appreciate House Laurent for their honey, especially with Lady Mabelle gifting me with some in the past.
One does hope Duke Cristoph appreciated it, because my back most certainly did not. My pride can stay on the ground where it fell.
It is, however, something that some might say is expected of me, but they can say whatever they like. Traveling on the roads, I would say I am at best out of practice with a lance. I prefer using much shorter militant arms when I'm riding, and the close confines of a mounted combat typically require such.
The only reason I'm doing it today is because I appreciate House Laurent for their honey, especially with Lady Mabelle gifting me with some in the past.
One does hope Duke Cristoph appreciated it, because my back most certainly did not. My pride can stay on the ground where it fell.
Written By Bhandn
Oct. 3, 2019, 11:30 p.m.(12/13/1011 AR)
We approach the end of 1011 AR, and I find myself thinking on everything that has transpired this year. I do not think I could possibly record the entirety of the changes that have significance for me, but I can name some.
For the first time in many, many years, I commissioned an entire new suit of armor, rather than simply replacing portions of it over the years (and the same holds true for Vigil, as well). Rubicund is the material, in this case. This decision came simply because various people have impressed upon me the value of having a more durable armor. I labored for months at amassing favors, writs, resources -- or whatever people want to call them -- in exchange for silver, and at last I was able to secure the necessary materials to request the whole thing. I hope /someone/ in the Crafter's Guild was happy about this. They know who they are.
I can not sit still in it. I don't recall the last time I was fitted for an entire suit in one go, but as I was saying to the Brother in Jayus's Shrine today, I can remember quite a bit of frustration from that dimly remembered era, and that I was sure I was in a saddle wearing it more often than I was off of a mount. The exact comparison I used was that of the din of the voices in the market drowning out those crying their wares to those who might offer their custom, as far as learning to ignore the sense of feeling odd in this new armor; I need a distraction until I am accustomed to the feel.
A new suit of armor -- just keeping the coin to commission it, really -- is its own change. Some would call it avaricious, perhaps, and they would be right, particularly since I felt that I needed to do this on my own, with my own two hands. I've always preferred putting my hands to work rather than have others do it for me. There is a sense of accomplishment that comes with the completion, and this is no different. Yet the fact remains that I actually did not simply gave away all of my silver once I started amassing it. There is also the fact that I am ensuring a mouth other than my own is being fed, and that the lad stays clothed, warm, and safe as well. I think I am finally starting to reach him, that he is starting to open up. The blankets were one thing, during that time that I felt at my lowest this year if not ever, but just recently he actually said 'thank you' to the latest batch of books I gave him. I must have been quite surprised, as he looked visibly embarrassed and turned away right after. I do not think that he realized just how happy I was to hear it. That I /was/ happy to hear it is also a difference from before. Valena would have been proud.
And now we come to the change that is much more personal: I found something I had lost, or perhaps it was returned to me. Regardless of which it is, I do not know how I can possibly state my gratitude enough, but I also think that simply stating it is not enough compared to /demonstrating/ that gratitude. I've always felt what one does has far greater impact than what one says, just one of many things I have forgotten these past two years. Thinking back on it, I still can not believe just how broken I had become in the wake of Valena's death. I will always miss her voice, chiding me on some surly manner of mine, but now I have come to a point where I must learn to speak with my own voice, to honor her memory and that of those many others who came before me in this calling.
And so as part of that, I have decided to name this year, and I call it the Queen's Year, to represent reaching the end of one path in this journey that is my life, so that I may begin walking another road that is entirely new to me. It will be difficult, but I think, at last, that I am finally ready to learn, and there is a great deal that remains to be found, so that /I/ can pass something on to those who would walk in these same shoes after. They will need everything that they can get, no doubts remain to me of that, and they are also not the only ones for whom I must persevere.
For the first time in many, many years, I commissioned an entire new suit of armor, rather than simply replacing portions of it over the years (and the same holds true for Vigil, as well). Rubicund is the material, in this case. This decision came simply because various people have impressed upon me the value of having a more durable armor. I labored for months at amassing favors, writs, resources -- or whatever people want to call them -- in exchange for silver, and at last I was able to secure the necessary materials to request the whole thing. I hope /someone/ in the Crafter's Guild was happy about this. They know who they are.
I can not sit still in it. I don't recall the last time I was fitted for an entire suit in one go, but as I was saying to the Brother in Jayus's Shrine today, I can remember quite a bit of frustration from that dimly remembered era, and that I was sure I was in a saddle wearing it more often than I was off of a mount. The exact comparison I used was that of the din of the voices in the market drowning out those crying their wares to those who might offer their custom, as far as learning to ignore the sense of feeling odd in this new armor; I need a distraction until I am accustomed to the feel.
A new suit of armor -- just keeping the coin to commission it, really -- is its own change. Some would call it avaricious, perhaps, and they would be right, particularly since I felt that I needed to do this on my own, with my own two hands. I've always preferred putting my hands to work rather than have others do it for me. There is a sense of accomplishment that comes with the completion, and this is no different. Yet the fact remains that I actually did not simply gave away all of my silver once I started amassing it. There is also the fact that I am ensuring a mouth other than my own is being fed, and that the lad stays clothed, warm, and safe as well. I think I am finally starting to reach him, that he is starting to open up. The blankets were one thing, during that time that I felt at my lowest this year if not ever, but just recently he actually said 'thank you' to the latest batch of books I gave him. I must have been quite surprised, as he looked visibly embarrassed and turned away right after. I do not think that he realized just how happy I was to hear it. That I /was/ happy to hear it is also a difference from before. Valena would have been proud.
And now we come to the change that is much more personal: I found something I had lost, or perhaps it was returned to me. Regardless of which it is, I do not know how I can possibly state my gratitude enough, but I also think that simply stating it is not enough compared to /demonstrating/ that gratitude. I've always felt what one does has far greater impact than what one says, just one of many things I have forgotten these past two years. Thinking back on it, I still can not believe just how broken I had become in the wake of Valena's death. I will always miss her voice, chiding me on some surly manner of mine, but now I have come to a point where I must learn to speak with my own voice, to honor her memory and that of those many others who came before me in this calling.
And so as part of that, I have decided to name this year, and I call it the Queen's Year, to represent reaching the end of one path in this journey that is my life, so that I may begin walking another road that is entirely new to me. It will be difficult, but I think, at last, that I am finally ready to learn, and there is a great deal that remains to be found, so that /I/ can pass something on to those who would walk in these same shoes after. They will need everything that they can get, no doubts remain to me of that, and they are also not the only ones for whom I must persevere.
Written By Bhandn
Sept. 23, 2019, 8:32 p.m.(11/20/1011 AR)
I woke in the morning as I have done for more days than I can count, and found myself not seeming to mind the cold of the autumn morning, with the sun no longer rising with me. The lad was asleep, as he usually was at that hour, and I didn't disturb him, but instead threw another blanket over him. How he can stay warm and asleep with only the one I still do not know, but it was a kindness he showed me during my troubles this past week and I could not help but do the same for him.
The morning was spent as it usually was, working myself into a heated sweat with a run, then other drills to remind my body of what I expect of it should I have need of my blade. That's become harder, the older I've gotten, and I can remember days of frustration over not being able to do certain exercises quite as well when I was younger, but that was not the case today. Today, I was determined to continue despite the slight aches that came from those simple warmup drills. I managed to finish them all completely, without stopping, and as I sat with the waterskin and its icy contents thinking on it, I couldn't help but smile. This morning, I felt younger by years, even though I knew I really wasn't.
I can still feel that grief that comes from Valena's death, with that desire to uphold that promise I swore to her grave, yet I no longer feel myself wishing she was standing next to me still, or that I need the taste or willowbark or some other foul thing on my tongue when considering what words to say. I can think of the words she would say to me, and instead of wistful bitterness, I found a smile instead. I will miss her. That feeling will never change, but the way I /perceive/ that feeling has changed. /I/ have changed, and I have a reminder of /why/ I have changed, what it means to change, and every time I look upon that reminder I think on the meaning of that change.
When I chose to come to Arx to stay, I was aimless, grief-stricken, and the sight of the roads nearly revolted me. There was even a time when I thought I would do the unthinkable, but I didn't. I came to Arx, and perhaps that was the beginning of that change, a seed that was meant to sprout but instead found itself lacking for nourishment and care. Perhaps in this metaphor it was merely winter, and I needed to wait until spring had arrived with the sun's warmth and the clouds' rainy depths. Whatever the reason, I can feel that warmth now, along with those drops running down my face, and now it feels like what it is that was lying dormant within for so long has at last begun to emerge from the soil and greet the world as it was meant to be.
I feel whole.
The morning was spent as it usually was, working myself into a heated sweat with a run, then other drills to remind my body of what I expect of it should I have need of my blade. That's become harder, the older I've gotten, and I can remember days of frustration over not being able to do certain exercises quite as well when I was younger, but that was not the case today. Today, I was determined to continue despite the slight aches that came from those simple warmup drills. I managed to finish them all completely, without stopping, and as I sat with the waterskin and its icy contents thinking on it, I couldn't help but smile. This morning, I felt younger by years, even though I knew I really wasn't.
I can still feel that grief that comes from Valena's death, with that desire to uphold that promise I swore to her grave, yet I no longer feel myself wishing she was standing next to me still, or that I need the taste or willowbark or some other foul thing on my tongue when considering what words to say. I can think of the words she would say to me, and instead of wistful bitterness, I found a smile instead. I will miss her. That feeling will never change, but the way I /perceive/ that feeling has changed. /I/ have changed, and I have a reminder of /why/ I have changed, what it means to change, and every time I look upon that reminder I think on the meaning of that change.
When I chose to come to Arx to stay, I was aimless, grief-stricken, and the sight of the roads nearly revolted me. There was even a time when I thought I would do the unthinkable, but I didn't. I came to Arx, and perhaps that was the beginning of that change, a seed that was meant to sprout but instead found itself lacking for nourishment and care. Perhaps in this metaphor it was merely winter, and I needed to wait until spring had arrived with the sun's warmth and the clouds' rainy depths. Whatever the reason, I can feel that warmth now, along with those drops running down my face, and now it feels like what it is that was lying dormant within for so long has at last begun to emerge from the soil and greet the world as it was meant to be.
I feel whole.
Written By Bhandn
Sept. 19, 2019, 3:32 a.m.(11/11/1011 AR)
So it is that the journey takes me to a path I did not want to have to tread twice. I can still see my footsteps, reluctant as they were the first time, and these steps I take now are those and more.
I've tried to ignore the sick feeling in my stomach that has plagued me these past few days, but then again, I brought it upon myself. Only time will tell if I will recover, or if I will be stuck with that twisted feeling for the rest of my days. Perhaps that would be justice, that constant reminder. It's exactly the sort of thing that Valena would have done to me, had she been there, so perhaps I already know the answer to my own unspoken query.
At least I have started to sleep better, yet that is a very small improvement at most. Sometimes I think I will be as skittish at night as the lad, with how much I've woken these past few nights, restless and unable to rouse myself from my blankets to try and wear myself to fatigue.
Change is to be embraced, yet I feel sometimes as though my changes have all been very much not for the better.
I find it hard to concentrate lately. My days all seem to meld together in one indistinguishable lump. Even training is difficult at times. That alone is a sign.
I've tried to ignore the sick feeling in my stomach that has plagued me these past few days, but then again, I brought it upon myself. Only time will tell if I will recover, or if I will be stuck with that twisted feeling for the rest of my days. Perhaps that would be justice, that constant reminder. It's exactly the sort of thing that Valena would have done to me, had she been there, so perhaps I already know the answer to my own unspoken query.
At least I have started to sleep better, yet that is a very small improvement at most. Sometimes I think I will be as skittish at night as the lad, with how much I've woken these past few nights, restless and unable to rouse myself from my blankets to try and wear myself to fatigue.
Change is to be embraced, yet I feel sometimes as though my changes have all been very much not for the better.
I find it hard to concentrate lately. My days all seem to meld together in one indistinguishable lump. Even training is difficult at times. That alone is a sign.
Written By Bhandn
Sept. 15, 2019, 1:46 p.m.(11/4/1011 AR)
I never thought I would find myself wanting to dress myself in silks and the like, but I can't deny the fact that my general preference in clothing is ill suited should I wish to treat with certain individuals. Still, I have to admit, the aeterna feels wonderful to the touch, but having clothes that cling to me is a strange sensation. I considered silk for the coat as well, but with winter approaching I opted for what people have been calling "seatouched" wool. That name still bothers me, because the wool neither looks, feels, or smells like anything to do with the sea. Perhaps they make it near the ocean? I don't know. I never paid attention to this sort of thing before.
The amount of silver to procure the necessary amount of cloth had me wincing like I had just sat down after someone had smacked my bottom with stinging nettle earlier. That alone is a reminder to treat these clothes /very/ well, and with care.
Still, if this is what it's like to wear steelsilk, then I really have been missing out. I consider myself a fairly practical man, and having attire that both looks good and keeps a knife out of my ribs seems rather like unhorsing an opponent at a joust with just a glare, to me.
The amount of silver to procure the necessary amount of cloth had me wincing like I had just sat down after someone had smacked my bottom with stinging nettle earlier. That alone is a reminder to treat these clothes /very/ well, and with care.
Still, if this is what it's like to wear steelsilk, then I really have been missing out. I consider myself a fairly practical man, and having attire that both looks good and keeps a knife out of my ribs seems rather like unhorsing an opponent at a joust with just a glare, to me.
Written By Bhandn
Sept. 12, 2019, 2:20 a.m.(10/25/1011 AR)
It turns out I severely understated just how quickly the books Lady Monique selected for me would be devoured. That's a figure of speech, to be clear, about how quickly their contents were read, then reread, and for good measure a third time, all within a matter of days. I never thought I would compare the book reading to starvation, but today was a first for that. How can that young man go through so many books so quickly? Still, his eyes were larger than teapots when I put them in front of him and said to enjoy them. The smile I got after made it all worthwhile. He still won't talk to me, though, not since that first day, but sometimes after that, I could swear I caught him looking at me while doing basic exercises. It was very subtle, just a movement of his eyes, but I'm positive that is what happened.
He still refuses to leave the room, and he still backs away if I get too close. That will be a trial during winter, when the very cold nights come, one I'm not yet certain how to solve. I have hopes that he'll open up before then, and I feel like progress is being made, but it is very slow. At least he seems to be fine left on his own. I don't have to worry about that, at least.
I still have not an inkling how to coax him into allowing a visit from a Mercy or Physician. That, I fear, will take months, but I truly hope it does not.
He still refuses to leave the room, and he still backs away if I get too close. That will be a trial during winter, when the very cold nights come, one I'm not yet certain how to solve. I have hopes that he'll open up before then, and I feel like progress is being made, but it is very slow. At least he seems to be fine left on his own. I don't have to worry about that, at least.
I still have not an inkling how to coax him into allowing a visit from a Mercy or Physician. That, I fear, will take months, but I truly hope it does not.
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