Written By Aislin
Dec. 25, 2017, 5:41 p.m.(11/4/1007 AR)
Relationship Note on Killian
Grief is a strange thing. It can dull thoughts -- lead to hasty words and angry recrimination -- or sharpen them to new clarity.
I still don't know which my grief has done to me. I just know that it's made it hard to find the words to put down in this journal.
I just know that my cousin Killian was like a little brother to me.
When he returned to our family after his time wandering Arvum, we became far closer than we ever had when we were younger. The difference in our ages that put us so far apart when he was young seemed unimportant when we were both grown. He was eager to trade tales of our adventures, he joined my Society of Explorers, he aided me in my investigations. We even finally got to travel together on an expedition -- one that will always stick with me.
And he listened, when I needed to talk about a personal crisis of identity.
The truth is, I selfishly never thought I'd outlive him. We both have -- both /had/ -- the Ashford drive to get out and /do/ things, to see the world. We both take risks, gods know. But Killian was by far the better fighter -- the one who wore solid armor, the rock on whom others can depend. I rely on speed, dexterity, and the fact that better than half of the things that try to kill me don't want to bother following me up a tree.
I always sort of half-assumed that if one of us died, it would be me going missing in the field on one of my expeditions. I never considered that I might outlive him. I never thought I'd have to grieve him.
And now he's gone. There's a hole in my family -- in /me/ -- where he used to be, an emptiness, and I don't know how to fill it. You're fiercely missed already, little brother, by me -- and by all those who knew and loved you.
And I hope whatever your next trip around the wheel brings, you keep that sense of adventure in your soul.
I still don't know which my grief has done to me. I just know that it's made it hard to find the words to put down in this journal.
I just know that my cousin Killian was like a little brother to me.
When he returned to our family after his time wandering Arvum, we became far closer than we ever had when we were younger. The difference in our ages that put us so far apart when he was young seemed unimportant when we were both grown. He was eager to trade tales of our adventures, he joined my Society of Explorers, he aided me in my investigations. We even finally got to travel together on an expedition -- one that will always stick with me.
And he listened, when I needed to talk about a personal crisis of identity.
The truth is, I selfishly never thought I'd outlive him. We both have -- both /had/ -- the Ashford drive to get out and /do/ things, to see the world. We both take risks, gods know. But Killian was by far the better fighter -- the one who wore solid armor, the rock on whom others can depend. I rely on speed, dexterity, and the fact that better than half of the things that try to kill me don't want to bother following me up a tree.
I always sort of half-assumed that if one of us died, it would be me going missing in the field on one of my expeditions. I never considered that I might outlive him. I never thought I'd have to grieve him.
And now he's gone. There's a hole in my family -- in /me/ -- where he used to be, an emptiness, and I don't know how to fill it. You're fiercely missed already, little brother, by me -- and by all those who knew and loved you.
And I hope whatever your next trip around the wheel brings, you keep that sense of adventure in your soul.
Written By Aislin
Dec. 20, 2017, 8:47 p.m.(10/22/1007 AR)
I know it was a lie.
There were no children there. The cries and screams... they were a lure. Nothing more than a temptation, trying to lure us inside in hopes of saving them. If we'd followed the sounds, it would have been our end. We would have been consumed, little left but bones -- if that.
I know it was a lie.
After all, the enemy were voices on the wind. How hard would it be for them to make the sound of children? After all, the children were laughing -- happy -- until the moment it became clear we would leave. Until it became obvious we weren't going to fall for their ploy and step inside.
I know it was a lie.
After all, the most powerful lies are the ones that make you question yourself. The ones that make you doubt. Those are the lies that worm their way inside you. The ones that stay with you. That keep you from sleeping soundly at night.
But I /know/ it was a lie...
Wasn't it?
There were no children there. The cries and screams... they were a lure. Nothing more than a temptation, trying to lure us inside in hopes of saving them. If we'd followed the sounds, it would have been our end. We would have been consumed, little left but bones -- if that.
I know it was a lie.
After all, the enemy were voices on the wind. How hard would it be for them to make the sound of children? After all, the children were laughing -- happy -- until the moment it became clear we would leave. Until it became obvious we weren't going to fall for their ploy and step inside.
I know it was a lie.
After all, the most powerful lies are the ones that make you question yourself. The ones that make you doubt. Those are the lies that worm their way inside you. The ones that stay with you. That keep you from sleeping soundly at night.
But I /know/ it was a lie...
Wasn't it?
Written By Aislin
Nov. 24, 2017, 1:34 p.m.(8/24/1007 AR)
I keep hearing of more and more people in the city rediscovering their past lives. It seems like every week or two, there's a new one. People trying to find old memories by meditating in the Hall of Heroes, reconnecting with those who were important to them in past lives, or even just digging through history in hopes that some forgotten fact trips a half-remembered moment.
I can't imagine it's common for this many people to be reborn all at once, throughout history. Which makes me wonder, how long have things been coming to a boil, that someone -- whether Aion himself or someone else -- thought it was necessary to have so many notable souls reborn in that stretch twenty to thirty years ago? It's the least of my concerns, really, given everything else going on. But it's still an item of curiosity, and if things ever do quiet down I plan to look into a pet theory of mine about the entire business.
"If things ever do quiet down" seems a very long way off, however.
I can't imagine it's common for this many people to be reborn all at once, throughout history. Which makes me wonder, how long have things been coming to a boil, that someone -- whether Aion himself or someone else -- thought it was necessary to have so many notable souls reborn in that stretch twenty to thirty years ago? It's the least of my concerns, really, given everything else going on. But it's still an item of curiosity, and if things ever do quiet down I plan to look into a pet theory of mine about the entire business.
"If things ever do quiet down" seems a very long way off, however.
Written By Aislin
Nov. 12, 2017, 1:37 p.m.(7/26/1007 AR)
There seems to be a lot of vase-throwing threats going around in white journals right now. I cannot help but wonder how long this particular tradition has been around; I've found records from five hundred years past of Queen Alarice trying to find the perfect vase to throw at her husband's head, and I suspect vases were used as weapons in marital warfare even earlier. Does this go all the way back to the Reckoning? Could make an interesting Scholarly study for someone.
Either way, it's nice to see that ancient historical traditions are still kept alive.
Either way, it's nice to see that ancient historical traditions are still kept alive.
Written By Aislin
Nov. 5, 2017, 1:07 p.m.(7/12/1007 AR)
As I understand, it, the Liberators paid off the debts of 5,000 thralls from across the entire fealty of Thrax. Not merely from one domain, but across all of them. Five thousand out of... what, the better part of a million thralls in all of Thrax? Seven hundred thousand thralls, at a bare minimum.
That leaves 695,000 at the least.
Now I'm not an economist, I'm an adventurer. But if removing that tiny amount "en masse" was enough to deliberately destabilize all of Thrax as Brother Caras seems to claim, then it seems to me that the Thraxian economy is terrifyingly precarious; a minor plague or, hells, even a particularly notable /fire/ in one domain could have wiped out the Thraxian economy just as easily.
And that strikes me as unlikely; Thrax has never been weak or pitiable, and their economic prowess is no less strong than their naval prowess.
Now, some can claim that Archlector Aleksei called for more than he should have in calling for any domain to free all their thralls at once -- and I think that's a fair characterization, albeit one that completely aligns with what I understand of his god's desires. An Archlector's responsibility /is/ to speak for their god, after all.
But the truth is, this is not a new opinion, merely an old one being spoken more loudly and vehemently. The Faith has been calling for an end to the practice of thralldom for the better part of a thousand years.
And the actual /actions/ Archlector Aleksei took on his own behalf -- buying the debts of thralls -- seem to have been taken carefully, and to avoid destabilizing Thrax as a whole. To characterize the purchase of those debts as malicious sabotage seems to be rather far from the truth, at least from what I've seen.
That leaves 695,000 at the least.
Now I'm not an economist, I'm an adventurer. But if removing that tiny amount "en masse" was enough to deliberately destabilize all of Thrax as Brother Caras seems to claim, then it seems to me that the Thraxian economy is terrifyingly precarious; a minor plague or, hells, even a particularly notable /fire/ in one domain could have wiped out the Thraxian economy just as easily.
And that strikes me as unlikely; Thrax has never been weak or pitiable, and their economic prowess is no less strong than their naval prowess.
Now, some can claim that Archlector Aleksei called for more than he should have in calling for any domain to free all their thralls at once -- and I think that's a fair characterization, albeit one that completely aligns with what I understand of his god's desires. An Archlector's responsibility /is/ to speak for their god, after all.
But the truth is, this is not a new opinion, merely an old one being spoken more loudly and vehemently. The Faith has been calling for an end to the practice of thralldom for the better part of a thousand years.
And the actual /actions/ Archlector Aleksei took on his own behalf -- buying the debts of thralls -- seem to have been taken carefully, and to avoid destabilizing Thrax as a whole. To characterize the purchase of those debts as malicious sabotage seems to be rather far from the truth, at least from what I've seen.
Written By Aislin
Oct. 29, 2017, 1:44 p.m.(6/26/1007 AR)
The Masquerade of Mirrors was an interesting -- and unsettling -- experience, for one who's never attended it before. Still, I suppose I can see some of the attraction; setting yourself on-edge, making yourself just a bit uneasy, gets the blood flowing. I had a lovely conversation or two with people who I genuinely have no idea who they were.
And the mythology around the eclipse itself certainly puts you in a reflective state, no pun intended, on yourself and your place in the world. I do often feel like I don't understand Tehom's worship sufficiently, in some manner, and I think the Masquerade made me consider that more deeply. I don't confront my inner darkness all that often, and perhaps... I don't know, is that a failing on my part?
Still, I won't lie, I'm glad to return to my rather more Vellichorian existence now that it's done.
And the mythology around the eclipse itself certainly puts you in a reflective state, no pun intended, on yourself and your place in the world. I do often feel like I don't understand Tehom's worship sufficiently, in some manner, and I think the Masquerade made me consider that more deeply. I don't confront my inner darkness all that often, and perhaps... I don't know, is that a failing on my part?
Still, I won't lie, I'm glad to return to my rather more Vellichorian existence now that it's done.
Written By Aislin
Oct. 17, 2017, 11:17 a.m.(6/2/1007 AR)
I have my first hangover in quite a long time. How much did I /drink/ last night?
I don't even remember anything clearly after a certain point, except for the nagging sense I might've actually sent a few messengers. Depending on what those were, today might be interesting...
I don't even remember anything clearly after a certain point, except for the nagging sense I might've actually sent a few messengers. Depending on what those were, today might be interesting...
Written By Aislin
Oct. 15, 2017, 3:29 p.m.(5/26/1007 AR)
I've seen many things in my time traveling Arvum, but I can genuinely say that very few approach the sight of an entire island frozen in an instant of summer, encased in ice. You could see flowers still in bloom, trees frozen in a single instant forever, everything painted in chill colors.
It was bleak, but beautiful too. And strange to think it was an instant hundreds of years old. A breath held forever and never exhaled. Like looking into the past.
Someday, I'll go back again.
It was bleak, but beautiful too. And strange to think it was an instant hundreds of years old. A breath held forever and never exhaled. Like looking into the past.
Someday, I'll go back again.
Written By Aislin
Oct. 8, 2017, 5:12 p.m.(5/12/1007 AR)
Relationship Note on Killian
My cousin has long talked about wanting to help with administering Ashford; with my brother's long absence, I've appointed Killian a Voice of Ashford. I hope he finds the duties empowering rather than oppressive, though I worry that it might be a combination of both. That seems to be the most common for people; duty should be honored, but duty should also be heavy. If you take your duties lightly, gods know, you might spend your vassal's lives cheaply.
At least he'll have the authority to do whatever he needs to guards and the Ashford military, regardless of how he finds the political half.
At least he'll have the authority to do whatever he needs to guards and the Ashford military, regardless of how he finds the political half.
Written By Aislin
Oct. 8, 2017, 2:43 a.m.(5/11/1007 AR)
I find my thoughts turning to darker paths today. Perhaps it's the dreary sky. Or perhaps it's the disappearance of one of my friends not long ago.
Deva has been a friend for a long time -- she was there for me in the wake of Dawn's disappearance, the wake of my father's death, and in the wake of Niamh's passing. Many of my most troubled moments -- the ones where I needed to talk through my thoughts -- were ones where she and I sat down with a drink and just... talked it out.
I don't believe she went against her will. I choose to believe she's gone off to try to make a difference in this fight personally -- and I worry, gods know, but I don't think she was taken. So I have to trust her judgment.
But I will miss her fiercely, wherever she's gone.
Deva has been a friend for a long time -- she was there for me in the wake of Dawn's disappearance, the wake of my father's death, and in the wake of Niamh's passing. Many of my most troubled moments -- the ones where I needed to talk through my thoughts -- were ones where she and I sat down with a drink and just... talked it out.
I don't believe she went against her will. I choose to believe she's gone off to try to make a difference in this fight personally -- and I worry, gods know, but I don't think she was taken. So I have to trust her judgment.
But I will miss her fiercely, wherever she's gone.
Written By Aislin
Sept. 24, 2017, 10:11 p.m.(4/11/1007 AR)
I wrote about this a while ago, but...
It's been pointed out to me that I'm a very different person within the city walls and outside them. In the walls, I tend to be formal and serious; to be aware of politics, and to quash my tendency to make jokes. To be very focused on the things that... well, we need to focus on. Gathering information, sharing it to those who need it, and organizing the Explorers.
Out in the wilderness—on expeditions—or in scenarios when I'm learning something new, I tend to be less formal, less stiff. More prone to crack a joke.
Out there, I tend to be the real Aislin, I suppose.
And I'm starting to realize perhaps I should try to find her even within the city walls. To break down the barriers I tend to have up while I'm here in Arx.
Habits are hard to break, however. Perhaps I need to find a few things that aren't... well, studying or discussing horrible apocalyptic scenarios, and do /something/ to unwind. A way to unwind that /isn't/ just going on expeditions.
(Gods... do I need a /hobby/?)
It's been pointed out to me that I'm a very different person within the city walls and outside them. In the walls, I tend to be formal and serious; to be aware of politics, and to quash my tendency to make jokes. To be very focused on the things that... well, we need to focus on. Gathering information, sharing it to those who need it, and organizing the Explorers.
Out in the wilderness—on expeditions—or in scenarios when I'm learning something new, I tend to be less formal, less stiff. More prone to crack a joke.
Out there, I tend to be the real Aislin, I suppose.
And I'm starting to realize perhaps I should try to find her even within the city walls. To break down the barriers I tend to have up while I'm here in Arx.
Habits are hard to break, however. Perhaps I need to find a few things that aren't... well, studying or discussing horrible apocalyptic scenarios, and do /something/ to unwind. A way to unwind that /isn't/ just going on expeditions.
(Gods... do I need a /hobby/?)
Written By Aislin
Sept. 22, 2017, 9:51 p.m.(4/7/1007 AR)
It's strange; I've so often tried to decipher the visions of others, and now I've had one of my own. It seems almost straightforward, but visions so rarely truly are. Some are truth, some are truth obscured behind analogy, and some are lies sent to mislead. I hope this is the first, though given the circumstances I had it in, I cannot be entirely certain.
Either way, I can genuinely say that this has been an unusual week all around, even leaving aside the vision; I don't usually make a habit of being kidnapped by cultists, much less nearly sacrificed.
Though it has happened more often than it ought to have, which I suppose could be taken as comment on my chosen profession.
Either way, I can genuinely say that this has been an unusual week all around, even leaving aside the vision; I don't usually make a habit of being kidnapped by cultists, much less nearly sacrificed.
Though it has happened more often than it ought to have, which I suppose could be taken as comment on my chosen profession.
Written By Aislin
Sept. 16, 2017, 3:11 p.m.(3/22/1007 AR)
(Though, of course, that last entry doesn't mean I won't also still do my damndest to help with what others need to know when they approach me. I am who I am, after all.)
Written By Aislin
Sept. 16, 2017, 3:10 p.m.(3/22/1007 AR)
I wrote a while back about how I tend to have all of my conversations be wholly just business, and I've realized that's at least partly my own fault. While yes, I want to help others -- to spread the information we've lost, to make sure people know the things they /need/ to know -- I've perhaps let myself be too focused on doing so when someone brings up a topic.
Really, I feel like in the wake of Niamh's passing I've had trouble letting people close. I've held everyone at arms' length; even my friends have been addressed by title, and most of my conversations have been very focused on specific topics: the various dark forces we're facing, philosophy, and so on.
I've had a few conversations, here and there, which are an exception to the rule. Where I let my guard down a bit, with family or a friend, and actually /talk/ rather than just... being business. And it makes me think I do need to open up more again. To let people close. To actually /engage/ with my friends properly again.
Because while keeping everyone at arms' length is safe -- it keeps you from being hurt again -- after some point, it starts to get lonely.
Really, I feel like in the wake of Niamh's passing I've had trouble letting people close. I've held everyone at arms' length; even my friends have been addressed by title, and most of my conversations have been very focused on specific topics: the various dark forces we're facing, philosophy, and so on.
I've had a few conversations, here and there, which are an exception to the rule. Where I let my guard down a bit, with family or a friend, and actually /talk/ rather than just... being business. And it makes me think I do need to open up more again. To let people close. To actually /engage/ with my friends properly again.
Because while keeping everyone at arms' length is safe -- it keeps you from being hurt again -- after some point, it starts to get lonely.
Written By Aislin
Sept. 10, 2017, 9 p.m.(3/11/1007 AR)
When I'm in the city, I feel an urge -- an itch -- driving me to get outside the walls, see the world again. But when I'm outside the walls on this mission, I find myself laying awake at night thinking of all the things I still need to do in the city. People I need to meet with, briefings I need to give. Society business to take care of.
Is this what growing up is? Maturity, responsibility? Recognizing that you have duties you need to perform within the city walls, and that gallivanting off on adventures may not be something you can do with complete impunity any longer?
Well. Duty is all well and good, and I'll continue to perform those I've taken on... but I'm not going to completely give up on my adventuring. There's too much of the world still to see, and too many things to learn. Many of which might be useful.
Is this what growing up is? Maturity, responsibility? Recognizing that you have duties you need to perform within the city walls, and that gallivanting off on adventures may not be something you can do with complete impunity any longer?
Well. Duty is all well and good, and I'll continue to perform those I've taken on... but I'm not going to completely give up on my adventuring. There's too much of the world still to see, and too many things to learn. Many of which might be useful.
Written By Aislin
Sept. 1, 2017, 8:46 p.m.(2/17/1007 AR)
It's surprisingly nice to sit down with people I don't know well and just /talk/, especially about things that /aren't/ the fate of the Compact -- or the world. I sometimes feel like I've become stuck in a bit of a pattern; investigate a thing, bring the information to someone, talk to someone else who has questions on a topic, help them investigate another thing, and so on.
I don't mind that -- I find helping others rewarding -- but there's something to be said for just discussing philosophy, or life in general, rather than everything being a crisis.
And besides, you never know when you might make a new friend.
I don't mind that -- I find helping others rewarding -- but there's something to be said for just discussing philosophy, or life in general, rather than everything being a crisis.
And besides, you never know when you might make a new friend.
Written By Aislin
Aug. 27, 2017, 6:57 p.m.(2/7/1007 AR)
Well, that was an interesting boon that Prince Talen asked on Audric's behalf. I admit it caught me by surprise to hear. But still, it's a good boon. I know Audric and his men fought valiantly during the Silent War, possibly in more fights than people generally realize, and gods know valiant defenders deserve rewards.
I'm still not entirely certain whether I should offer him my congratulations or my condolences, however.
I'm still not entirely certain whether I should offer him my congratulations or my condolences, however.
Written By Aislin
Aug. 20, 2017, 5:30 p.m.(1/21/1007 AR)
I'm freshly returned to the city, and it seems like it's been quite the eventful week in my absence. I can't quite fathom the sheer _scope_ of the death and destruction that's been rained into the harbor... and what, exactly, might have transpired to bring that about.
Written By Aislin
Aug. 18, 2017, 10:27 p.m.(1/17/1007 AR)
Relationship Note on Killian
My cousin Killian is back in town. I haven't had a chance yet to sit down with him to talk about his travels, but I admit... I'm glad he's home. I feel like my family scatters too readily, and he's become something akin to a younger brother to me. A kindred spirit in many ways, even if his faith has led him in different directions than mine has.
Either way, I admit I am very much looking forward to a chance to sit down and catch up with him.
Either way, I admit I am very much looking forward to a chance to sit down and catch up with him.
Written By Aislin
Aug. 13, 2017, 3:53 p.m.(1/7/1007 AR)
Relationship Note on Niamh
It's been months now, and the loss of Niamh is starting to fade to a dull ache. It feels like I'm finally getting used to her absence. I almost don't want it to; it feels like pain when you lose someone should last longer, somehow.
But wounds heal, given time. There'll always be a scar there -- a part of myself I'll never wholly get back -- but I no longer feel a stabbing loss when I look over and see her chest of things piled in my room. Or when I climb up into the treehouse, and remember our first 'adventure' together.
But she'll never be fully forgotten. And someday, when I find a griffon and set off an an aerial adventure for real, I'll remember that first adventure we had together, making up wild stories in the treehouse.
I'll remember, and I'll think of you.
But wounds heal, given time. There'll always be a scar there -- a part of myself I'll never wholly get back -- but I no longer feel a stabbing loss when I look over and see her chest of things piled in my room. Or when I climb up into the treehouse, and remember our first 'adventure' together.
But she'll never be fully forgotten. And someday, when I find a griffon and set off an an aerial adventure for real, I'll remember that first adventure we had together, making up wild stories in the treehouse.
I'll remember, and I'll think of you.
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