Written By Cambria
Jan. 23, 2024, 10:49 p.m.(8/11/1021 AR)
Relationship Note on Hadrian
It has ever been my habit to keep my most personal thoughts, especially those colored by emotion within my Black Reflections, but I submit this to the Whites today in the foolish, perhaps selfish desire for my posterity to know that despite everything, I too am a mortal woman with a heart that can bleed, and eyes that can shed bitter tears.
It matters not to me that I am not the only one to suffer loss. I know that there are so many out there who are hurting just as deeply. But grief isolates, it does not unite.
For a glorious moment, I had nearly everything I had ever dreamed of: a real, live dragon to call a friend and ally, who let me soar through the sky upon his back as he rained fiery death upon our foes. I tasted Ambrosia and became mighty. And you were there with me, with one of the First Children! She was beyond my imaginings as a child, and yet so majestic, so terrible. I am not sure they understood why I would weep for the death of either of them, when I told them I was glad the world had not lost them, but then who can fathom the mind of a near infinite being?
I did not believe you were dead at first. In fact, I was quite determined to believe that you were only missing, not yet to be found; that at any moment you would stride through those gathered and announce yourself with a laugh, that familiar gleam in your eye. Even now, I wish it were only that you were missing. I wish Winifred had not stood over you, and guarded you - what remained of you - as the battle came to its close, and I wish that she had not made me know the truth of it.
Knowledge is a cold comfort.
It is not just that I never imagined that you would die before me, but that even in my worst nightmares I never imagined there would be so little left of you. Do you know what it's like to hug a charred corpse without a face? To be told that it's the one you have spent a lifetime devoted to? Do you know what it's like to have to leave the body of the one you love so much so that it can be prepared for a proper interment, that acrid stench in your nose? To be that hysterical before the people you should only present a strong face to? I hate that these are the last memories of you that dominate my mind.
I have never cried so much. I have never been so devastatingly heartbroken and bereft.
If I could crawl down Death's throat and pull you back from her gullet, I would. I would fucking defy gods and the idea of fate and the machinations of those who dare to think they are greater than me. Yet for all my outrageous pride and although the heart within me burns and burns like a thousand mighty stars, I am but human. Some wise bastard somewhere - the Seraph of Ostria - he once wrote something like: temper thine pride with wisdom.
So I tell myself that it's better that you are reborn, because it's true. Again, cold comfort.
Winifred appears to understand my anguish. She didn't seem to mind when I told her I hated her, too. Probably because she knows I don't, not truly. I wasn't aware a Sphynx was capable of joking, but do you know? She said I was only jealous because you died for another woman. You will be relieved to know she survived thanks to you, and that she is safe. She promised me that you shall never be forgotten, and I dare to imagine I even saw tears glitter in her own eyes. Limatusadin deigned to bow his head.
I took the children to meet her, and all the Guardians, and those who fought with us. It is both tragic and hilarious that what we had sworn to protect so long ago, to be forgotten, was a creature akin to knowledge itself. We avowed ourselves anew.
Luigi shed a tear when I told him the news, and the Ducklings - those soldiers from Southport with whom you practically grew up - were aggrieved. You shall be pleased to know that they all survived the fight, like me, and we all ask ourselves why it wasn't us in your place. The Ducklings and I, that is, not Luigi, but then nobody would expect that of him, least of all you. He said he would stay with me, if I'd let him, and of course I shall let him. If he asks me to retire and live out the rest of his days in a lavish estate in ample supply of anything a man could conceivably wish for, I'd give it to him without hesitation. The same goes for the Ducklings.
I understand your reasons, my love, but I hate that it was you who made the choice. I hate that it wasn't me. I hate that I have to live on without you. What do I do without you? Not just emotionally, but practically - who will do all the things that you did? If it were me, you would have an easier time of it, I know. You could move on, you could raise our children, you could do and be more with ease.
It won't be that easy for me. I cannot let myself be consumed by rage and grief, and throw myself at the enemy for a swift death. I cannot live on as an embittered specter growing in only venom and spite. I am a mother, and a Duchess (sometimes I think the two are really interchangeable) and I will be what my House and people need me to be.
I only wish that I could have dreamed but a little while longer with you.
It matters not to me that I am not the only one to suffer loss. I know that there are so many out there who are hurting just as deeply. But grief isolates, it does not unite.
For a glorious moment, I had nearly everything I had ever dreamed of: a real, live dragon to call a friend and ally, who let me soar through the sky upon his back as he rained fiery death upon our foes. I tasted Ambrosia and became mighty. And you were there with me, with one of the First Children! She was beyond my imaginings as a child, and yet so majestic, so terrible. I am not sure they understood why I would weep for the death of either of them, when I told them I was glad the world had not lost them, but then who can fathom the mind of a near infinite being?
I did not believe you were dead at first. In fact, I was quite determined to believe that you were only missing, not yet to be found; that at any moment you would stride through those gathered and announce yourself with a laugh, that familiar gleam in your eye. Even now, I wish it were only that you were missing. I wish Winifred had not stood over you, and guarded you - what remained of you - as the battle came to its close, and I wish that she had not made me know the truth of it.
Knowledge is a cold comfort.
It is not just that I never imagined that you would die before me, but that even in my worst nightmares I never imagined there would be so little left of you. Do you know what it's like to hug a charred corpse without a face? To be told that it's the one you have spent a lifetime devoted to? Do you know what it's like to have to leave the body of the one you love so much so that it can be prepared for a proper interment, that acrid stench in your nose? To be that hysterical before the people you should only present a strong face to? I hate that these are the last memories of you that dominate my mind.
I have never cried so much. I have never been so devastatingly heartbroken and bereft.
If I could crawl down Death's throat and pull you back from her gullet, I would. I would fucking defy gods and the idea of fate and the machinations of those who dare to think they are greater than me. Yet for all my outrageous pride and although the heart within me burns and burns like a thousand mighty stars, I am but human. Some wise bastard somewhere - the Seraph of Ostria - he once wrote something like: temper thine pride with wisdom.
So I tell myself that it's better that you are reborn, because it's true. Again, cold comfort.
Winifred appears to understand my anguish. She didn't seem to mind when I told her I hated her, too. Probably because she knows I don't, not truly. I wasn't aware a Sphynx was capable of joking, but do you know? She said I was only jealous because you died for another woman. You will be relieved to know she survived thanks to you, and that she is safe. She promised me that you shall never be forgotten, and I dare to imagine I even saw tears glitter in her own eyes. Limatusadin deigned to bow his head.
I took the children to meet her, and all the Guardians, and those who fought with us. It is both tragic and hilarious that what we had sworn to protect so long ago, to be forgotten, was a creature akin to knowledge itself. We avowed ourselves anew.
Luigi shed a tear when I told him the news, and the Ducklings - those soldiers from Southport with whom you practically grew up - were aggrieved. You shall be pleased to know that they all survived the fight, like me, and we all ask ourselves why it wasn't us in your place. The Ducklings and I, that is, not Luigi, but then nobody would expect that of him, least of all you. He said he would stay with me, if I'd let him, and of course I shall let him. If he asks me to retire and live out the rest of his days in a lavish estate in ample supply of anything a man could conceivably wish for, I'd give it to him without hesitation. The same goes for the Ducklings.
I understand your reasons, my love, but I hate that it was you who made the choice. I hate that it wasn't me. I hate that I have to live on without you. What do I do without you? Not just emotionally, but practically - who will do all the things that you did? If it were me, you would have an easier time of it, I know. You could move on, you could raise our children, you could do and be more with ease.
It won't be that easy for me. I cannot let myself be consumed by rage and grief, and throw myself at the enemy for a swift death. I cannot live on as an embittered specter growing in only venom and spite. I am a mother, and a Duchess (sometimes I think the two are really interchangeable) and I will be what my House and people need me to be.
I only wish that I could have dreamed but a little while longer with you.
Written By Eirene
Jan. 23, 2024, 10:27 a.m.(8/10/1021 AR)
Relationship Note on Hadrian
Hadrian is -was my late sister's firstborn. For some time he was Duke of Malvici until a twist of circumstance took him to Ostria. He seemed to thrive in then city, relishing their secrets and the love of his wife. A sphinx. How badass is that?
Malvici has a saying. "You return with your banner or wrapped in it." Hadrian will be wrapped in the banner of his beloved Hydra and committed to the Queen of Endings and Beginnings. We didn't always get along but he was family and I did care for him. We exchanged letters shortly before he left for Ostria and I told him his mother would be proud, and that I was too.
My sympathies to the people who welcomed him in and nurtured his cunning and talents, and to all of us who mourn his loss.
Malvici has a saying. "You return with your banner or wrapped in it." Hadrian will be wrapped in the banner of his beloved Hydra and committed to the Queen of Endings and Beginnings. We didn't always get along but he was family and I did care for him. We exchanged letters shortly before he left for Ostria and I told him his mother would be proud, and that I was too.
My sympathies to the people who welcomed him in and nurtured his cunning and talents, and to all of us who mourn his loss.
Written By Noah
Aug. 12, 2023, 11:28 p.m.(5/5/1020 AR)
Relationship Note on Hadrian
So my take away is that if I'm ushering in my own doom (which I do merely by breathing), then I get four daggers?
Written By Cambria
Aug. 7, 2022, 1:37 p.m.(2/27/1018 AR)
Relationship Note on Hadrian
Of course, it is only too easy to get caught up dwelling over the past, rather than simply reminiscing. You remember only the good times, or else only the bad, ignoring that life then was much as it is now - full of both. You miss out on the present, forever comparing it to what was, especially when comparing it to the fabled good old days.
Perhaps those days were better than the ones now, but that is no reason to ignore what happiness the present affords you.
I'm sorry that I have been terribly guilty of this.
Perhaps those days were better than the ones now, but that is no reason to ignore what happiness the present affords you.
I'm sorry that I have been terribly guilty of this.
Written By Cambria
Jan. 16, 2022, 8:31 p.m.(12/11/1016 AR)
Relationship Note on Hadrian
Husband Poem #7
We had been reading about unsolved murders.
'There is no way you could bury
a body in our gardens,
and I wouldn't know it.'
The Duke declares.
'It would have to be off the manor grounds, in the woods, or in the water.'
I nod.
'Sunk to the depths or where the animals would scatter you.'
He evaluates my answer, and nods.
We discuss how we would dispose of each other.
We had been reading about unsolved murders.
'There is no way you could bury
a body in our gardens,
and I wouldn't know it.'
The Duke declares.
'It would have to be off the manor grounds, in the woods, or in the water.'
I nod.
'Sunk to the depths or where the animals would scatter you.'
He evaluates my answer, and nods.
We discuss how we would dispose of each other.
Written By Cambria
Dec. 11, 2021, 5:08 p.m.(9/23/1016 AR)
Relationship Note on Hadrian
I think the dog is back.
Written By Cambria
Nov. 14, 2021, 1:57 p.m.(7/24/1016 AR)
Relationship Note on Hadrian
The gods know I have never sought anything of you except you yourself.
Written By Ida
Aug. 16, 2021, 4:26 p.m.(1/13/1016 AR)
Relationship Note on Hadrian
What's interesting is that I recently had cause to help repair a wagon, and there were rumors of growls, but no purrs. I can only aspire to create things as wondrous as the clock tower, even on a much smaller scale. I'd think your dreams prophetic, but mash made from cauliflower? That's crazy.
Written By Cambria
June 24, 2021, 8:36 p.m.(9/19/1015 AR)
Relationship Note on Hadrian
They say no one is perfect...
But he does the best impression of it I have ever seen.
But he does the best impression of it I have ever seen.
Written By Cambria
June 20, 2021, 1:01 a.m.(9/10/1015 AR)
Relationship Note on Hadrian
It is both 'tap' and 'pat', and after the lengthy discussion we had about it, I do think you are now prepared to agree with me.
But if not? Then I am prepared to argue the matter further.
But if not? Then I am prepared to argue the matter further.
Written By Cirroch
May 31, 2021, 12:40 a.m.(7/26/1015 AR)
Relationship Note on Hadrian
It's not everyday that I get a real chance to both fully connect with someone on a philosophical level of understanding, as well as get a chance to let Verksa run to her hearts content. The ride along the outside of the city was something that I was unaware which I was missing. Usually its a run along the ridges of the March, holding a hand up to the setting sun to determine if we have additional time to get another cliff side in or if it's time to turn around. Either way Verksa is happiest when she's allowed to run.
Or simply to devour the pears that Oliver packs.
Finding a common ground with another is good these days.
Or simply to devour the pears that Oliver packs.
Finding a common ground with another is good these days.
Written By Strozza
Feb. 14, 2021, 9:10 p.m.(12/9/1014 AR)
Relationship Note on Hadrian
Donkey Knights
Kitten Knights?
Kitten Knights?
Written By Strozza
Sept. 1, 2020, 12:37 p.m.(12/12/1013 AR)
Relationship Note on Hadrian
The weight of the world
Gleaming grin swallows it up
Silver hides thunder
Gleaming grin swallows it up
Silver hides thunder
Written By Cambria
July 19, 2020, 12:09 p.m.(9/8/1013 AR)
Relationship Note on Hadrian
What is it that they say?
It's the thought that counts.
It's the thought that counts.
Written By Jaenelle
May 6, 2020, 12:26 a.m.(3/27/1013 AR)
Relationship Note on Hadrian
Please do not encourage Victus to strap anything to anything else.
Written By Strozza
April 30, 2020, 10:25 a.m.(3/16/1013 AR)
Relationship Note on Hadrian
I'm quite glad you caught the eye of my dear cousin Cambria.
It's good to have you with us.
XoXo
Roz
It's good to have you with us.
XoXo
Roz
Written By Cambria
Dec. 17, 2019, 5:41 p.m.(5/23/1012 AR)
Relationship Note on Hadrian
I have kept my promise to you.
I shan't deny that it would not have been possible without you, of course. How different our lives might have been had you remained the Duke of Southport; had I married another. What might the future have held for us, if only we had not tied our respective futures together? Such questions are amusing to ponder, but ultimately meaningless.
Because the promise has been made real. Though it took you, and many others, to achieve, you cannot deny that I have not done what I set out to do, that I stuck to my plan with a tenacity no one would have thought possible from the sickly little girl that I once was. I took you from your ducal seat in the city-state of Southport, and put you upon another. One that was not passed down to you by relations who had already made it strong, made it famous. It is easy to reign brightly on the success of others, after all.
I attacked your pride, your word - your very honor. It was not easy. Not for you, nor for me. I brought you into a House who had suffered under your kin and they were not thrilled to see you in it. The first few years of our marriage were not happy.
But what I did, what we did, was for more than that promise I made you. Though a promise is never a thing to be taken lightly, we both know that the future I dreamed of was one in which the people who owe me their fealty could live a life better than the one they had before. I wanted to take my inheritance and transform it...not because what was there was at all bad, but because that is the duty (as I see it) of a leader. I will forever strive to make Ostria better than when I found it, and I shall expect our children to do the same, when it is their time.
Yes, I have kept my promise to you. When your gaze next falls across the Walled City, I hope you will know the taste of a glory that you yourself worked to achieve.
I shan't deny that it would not have been possible without you, of course. How different our lives might have been had you remained the Duke of Southport; had I married another. What might the future have held for us, if only we had not tied our respective futures together? Such questions are amusing to ponder, but ultimately meaningless.
Because the promise has been made real. Though it took you, and many others, to achieve, you cannot deny that I have not done what I set out to do, that I stuck to my plan with a tenacity no one would have thought possible from the sickly little girl that I once was. I took you from your ducal seat in the city-state of Southport, and put you upon another. One that was not passed down to you by relations who had already made it strong, made it famous. It is easy to reign brightly on the success of others, after all.
I attacked your pride, your word - your very honor. It was not easy. Not for you, nor for me. I brought you into a House who had suffered under your kin and they were not thrilled to see you in it. The first few years of our marriage were not happy.
But what I did, what we did, was for more than that promise I made you. Though a promise is never a thing to be taken lightly, we both know that the future I dreamed of was one in which the people who owe me their fealty could live a life better than the one they had before. I wanted to take my inheritance and transform it...not because what was there was at all bad, but because that is the duty (as I see it) of a leader. I will forever strive to make Ostria better than when I found it, and I shall expect our children to do the same, when it is their time.
Yes, I have kept my promise to you. When your gaze next falls across the Walled City, I hope you will know the taste of a glory that you yourself worked to achieve.
Written By Saoirse
Dec. 13, 2019, 9:34 p.m.(5/15/1012 AR)
Relationship Note on Hadrian
Gross.
Written By Jaenelle
Nov. 17, 2019, 9:05 p.m.(3/19/1012 AR)
Relationship Note on Hadrian
How dare you suggest I would not have food and drink available when I speak of my very important, and deeply historical account of dance. Specifically any dancing which occurs in a geometric design. Squares are no laughing matter.
Written By Peri
Nov. 3, 2019, 10:15 a.m.(2/18/1012 AR)
Relationship Note on Hadrian
I felt I understood the purpose of your Salon, despite how clumsily I participated there and in the whites. I am no courtier and have been trained more in war than in diplomacy, yet I have shown respect to the emissaries I've talked to despite my choice not to buy goods from their land.
I have also used the analogy of Thrax, though I have been told it is not apt.
I have also used the analogy of Thrax, though I have been told it is not apt.
Please note that the scholars may take some time preparing your journal for others to read.