Written By Alarissa
Oct. 6, 2019, 3:16 p.m.(12/18/1011 AR)
I lost an arm.
To write it is to acknowledge it. I need to acknowledge it as much as it hurts. And it hurts. In so many ways.
I have lost most of my left arm and were it not for Reigna, Victus might have lost the rest of me.
I am a fraction of who I was. That is what I feel like despite that others tell me that it does not make me less than. Fever did not take me, we are grateful for that, though my vanity has suffered just as grievously. Somewhere beneath Thrax in cold storage, I am told that the limb cleaved from me unsalvageable, waits for me to decide what to do. My chest tightens when I think of it, so I do not. As I gain strength, I have tried to venture out. But the ego is fragile and more than once i have found my steps bringing me swiftly back to Thrax. To hide in it like a turtle hides in it's shell.
Things that were second nature have to be relearned. It feels infantile to need someone to cut my food for me and yet they have to bring it out already cut because it's not like I can that myself.. It causes me to cry as independence in some things is ripped from me. Despair has been a bedfellow, anger and grief. Reigna speaks to flowers and waves and her finest stitching but I haven't looked. I can't bear to. It feels ugly, surely it will look just as much.
Dresses are being altered or new ones made. I pray that I'll feel comfortable in my own skin as I did before. But I don't know if I have that faith. I don't know if I'm that strong. I doubt. I cringed when the Duchess stared, blithe comments about sacrificing hands in cleansing rituals. I cannot rewind time. But moving forward feels even more impossible.
To write it is to acknowledge it. I need to acknowledge it as much as it hurts. And it hurts. In so many ways.
I have lost most of my left arm and were it not for Reigna, Victus might have lost the rest of me.
I am a fraction of who I was. That is what I feel like despite that others tell me that it does not make me less than. Fever did not take me, we are grateful for that, though my vanity has suffered just as grievously. Somewhere beneath Thrax in cold storage, I am told that the limb cleaved from me unsalvageable, waits for me to decide what to do. My chest tightens when I think of it, so I do not. As I gain strength, I have tried to venture out. But the ego is fragile and more than once i have found my steps bringing me swiftly back to Thrax. To hide in it like a turtle hides in it's shell.
Things that were second nature have to be relearned. It feels infantile to need someone to cut my food for me and yet they have to bring it out already cut because it's not like I can that myself.. It causes me to cry as independence in some things is ripped from me. Despair has been a bedfellow, anger and grief. Reigna speaks to flowers and waves and her finest stitching but I haven't looked. I can't bear to. It feels ugly, surely it will look just as much.
Dresses are being altered or new ones made. I pray that I'll feel comfortable in my own skin as I did before. But I don't know if I have that faith. I don't know if I'm that strong. I doubt. I cringed when the Duchess stared, blithe comments about sacrificing hands in cleansing rituals. I cannot rewind time. But moving forward feels even more impossible.
Written By Alarissa
Sept. 30, 2019, 8:03 p.m.(12/7/1011 AR)
I was convinced by Maxene to leave my rooms and seek some time in the atrium since the sun was shining. A promise there would be no others there. She had set a tea there, and a small cake from the cooks. Little Eleyna there too. Maxene didn't want me to pass my birthday in my room with the dark and Maxene knows the delight that little Eleyna brings me. It hurt, in many ways, but I had forgotten how much I enjoy the scent of her hair after she has been bathed and falls sleep against me.
When I returned to the room there were flowers everywhere. Across the corners of the room, atop the wardrobe, the desks, everywhere, curtains pulled back and light spilling in. A bouquet of lilies resting on my pillow and a note. She knew. She had sent those dresses and jewelry to ensure her things found good homes, I would not put it past her to have planned this too.
I wept. I will confess it here, but then, I have been doing much of that of late. I had thought it was Victus, that someone had been teaching him how to be a more romantic husband. But he wouldn't have chosen those flowers. Would that when my time comes, I will have planned such ahead for Victus. Or my children.
It smells like roses, peonies, lilies and orchids instead of salves and grotesque tinctures and teas. I'll have them placed about the estate, for all to share but I am in awe and my heart breaks. I miss her. So dearly. I miss many so dearly.
She would drag me out by my ear, I know this. She was so much stronger than I.
When I returned to the room there were flowers everywhere. Across the corners of the room, atop the wardrobe, the desks, everywhere, curtains pulled back and light spilling in. A bouquet of lilies resting on my pillow and a note. She knew. She had sent those dresses and jewelry to ensure her things found good homes, I would not put it past her to have planned this too.
I wept. I will confess it here, but then, I have been doing much of that of late. I had thought it was Victus, that someone had been teaching him how to be a more romantic husband. But he wouldn't have chosen those flowers. Would that when my time comes, I will have planned such ahead for Victus. Or my children.
It smells like roses, peonies, lilies and orchids instead of salves and grotesque tinctures and teas. I'll have them placed about the estate, for all to share but I am in awe and my heart breaks. I miss her. So dearly. I miss many so dearly.
She would drag me out by my ear, I know this. She was so much stronger than I.
Written By Alarissa
Sept. 30, 2019, 7:32 p.m.(12/7/1011 AR)
Will my children remember me as I was before, or will they forget with time and age and remember only me as I am now?
Written By Alarissa
Sept. 26, 2019, 7:19 p.m.(11/27/1011 AR)
Relationship Note on Victus
I know he would kill a shark for me, with his bare hands. He maimed a Kraken to keep me safe while I brought our child into the compact.
But sometimes it takes his looming presence sensed between the slivers of lucidity while fevers come and go and a copy of a white brought to me to realize that the moments when he lays his hand on my shoulder, is no different than man and wife pressing a kiss to lips. Donrai didn't raise him to show no affection. He just taught him how to show it differently.
I would kill a shark for him as well.
But sometimes it takes his looming presence sensed between the slivers of lucidity while fevers come and go and a copy of a white brought to me to realize that the moments when he lays his hand on my shoulder, is no different than man and wife pressing a kiss to lips. Donrai didn't raise him to show no affection. He just taught him how to show it differently.
I would kill a shark for him as well.
Written By Alarissa
Sept. 19, 2019, 11:57 p.m.(11/13/1011 AR)
There are some days when one needs something unique to wear. And of late, it seems, I have been wearing everything. But no lie, when Maxene left the little box on my dresser with the note, and I opened it to find jewlery? A darling necklace, a gift from House Stahlben. Seraphinite she wrote. I admit, green is not my best color, but it reminded me of an epiphanite, only the inclusions are feathery instead of a milky swirl.
I think I need more of these. Oh... a seaweed coronet of praseodymium and seraphinite....
I do most certainly need more of these now.
I think I need more of these. Oh... a seaweed coronet of praseodymium and seraphinite....
I do most certainly need more of these now.
Written By Alarissa
Sept. 8, 2019, 11:06 p.m.(10/19/1011 AR)
The bed these days needs to be bigger. All children in the bed make for legs where heads should be and if someone moves, everyone wakes. And this is just on the nights when dreams turn for something darker and nothing can console a child but the arms of their parents and their bed.
Astrid stepped on a spider. It scared her. There were a few servants about the house who were horrified she'd done such. Most assuredly, I didn't blink an eye nor shed a tear. Terrible things.
Dreams.
Odd things really.
Astrid stepped on a spider. It scared her. There were a few servants about the house who were horrified she'd done such. Most assuredly, I didn't blink an eye nor shed a tear. Terrible things.
Dreams.
Odd things really.
Written By Alarissa
June 20, 2019, 8:55 p.m.(4/26/1011 AR)
House Sword and head of a Mercenary Company. Interesting.
Written By Alarissa
June 19, 2019, 4:07 p.m.(4/24/1011 AR)
Is it better to have a lonely heart, or a broken heart?
Written By Alarissa
April 19, 2019, 12:46 a.m.(12/13/1010 AR)
Vega threw a small birthday, a more private affair with those I consider close and dear. Replete with a cake to cut and a miniature version of my husband Axe. Duties of seat kept him from attending, but between Vega and I, it was ensured that he didn't miss out on the cake.
The gifts given were lovely. No matter how small and personal some were, or deadly as one was. I get given daggers all the time as a gift. I must say, the necklace was by far an interesting and touching choice. Garrote's are in fashion? Perhaps. I'll have to see if it can be worn within the hair as well. The song though. I have passed the latter part of the gathering, learning it so I can sing it to the children. Not that I'm terribly skilled at singing, but I can do so good enough that it's not screeching.
Dear dragon,
I think you would have enjoyed. I most certainly do. I know I did.
The gifts given were lovely. No matter how small and personal some were, or deadly as one was. I get given daggers all the time as a gift. I must say, the necklace was by far an interesting and touching choice. Garrote's are in fashion? Perhaps. I'll have to see if it can be worn within the hair as well. The song though. I have passed the latter part of the gathering, learning it so I can sing it to the children. Not that I'm terribly skilled at singing, but I can do so good enough that it's not screeching.
Dear dragon,
I think you would have enjoyed. I most certainly do. I know I did.
Written By Alarissa
April 16, 2019, 10:51 p.m.(12/8/1010 AR)
I mourn the loss of that shoe.
And my pants.
And the poor man who... well. That is a loss too.
It does look like there's an opening with the King's Own though, if anyone ends up interested.
And my pants.
And the poor man who... well. That is a loss too.
It does look like there's an opening with the King's Own though, if anyone ends up interested.
Written By Alarissa
April 16, 2019, 11:02 a.m.(12/7/1010 AR)
Another year. This means Edain has turned another year as well. The melancholy just before and then the joy on the day of.
Another year, another wrinkle. The things we sacrifice, that in turn have other things that sacrifice alongside with it. My vanity dislikes me at times. But my vanity gets no say.
Happy birthday Edain. We live another year and we live for them.
Another year, another wrinkle. The things we sacrifice, that in turn have other things that sacrifice alongside with it. My vanity dislikes me at times. But my vanity gets no say.
Happy birthday Edain. We live another year and we live for them.
Written By Alarissa
April 7, 2019, 12:47 p.m.(11/18/1010 AR)
Ailith calls her the tiny water droplet. Apt I think. The mercies are of a certainty, dear Dragon, that we are likely past any peril. That we may breathe.
I can breathe.
It has been a week of new beginnings. Eleyna, Imi. I found a moment in all of this to sit and speak with her. To better know her and for her to better know myself and formalize our patronage. I found out that her horse is an aging one, soon should be set to pasture. So I have been in conversation dear Dragon, with the Marquessa Cambria. I am securing her an Ostrian. A gift to start off the patronage. It was between the Blanchard Destrier or the Ostrian Courser and in truth, the Courser will be better suited. Sometimes speed over weight will be what she will need. It will take a few weeks time, but I cannot wait to see the joy on her face.
This is the perks of being the protege of one who can do such things yes?
I miss Delilah. But I couldn't keep her. Not on the path she was determined to take. I feel like this relationship will be more fulfilling and I have no doubt that she will find another patron to take her if she wishes.
For now though, I need out of the estates. Marian has arranged boar hunting and while I will not be actually partaking, I'm going to go watch the ongoings.
I can breathe.
It has been a week of new beginnings. Eleyna, Imi. I found a moment in all of this to sit and speak with her. To better know her and for her to better know myself and formalize our patronage. I found out that her horse is an aging one, soon should be set to pasture. So I have been in conversation dear Dragon, with the Marquessa Cambria. I am securing her an Ostrian. A gift to start off the patronage. It was between the Blanchard Destrier or the Ostrian Courser and in truth, the Courser will be better suited. Sometimes speed over weight will be what she will need. It will take a few weeks time, but I cannot wait to see the joy on her face.
This is the perks of being the protege of one who can do such things yes?
I miss Delilah. But I couldn't keep her. Not on the path she was determined to take. I feel like this relationship will be more fulfilling and I have no doubt that she will find another patron to take her if she wishes.
For now though, I need out of the estates. Marian has arranged boar hunting and while I will not be actually partaking, I'm going to go watch the ongoings.
Written By Alarissa
April 3, 2019, 1:02 a.m.(11/9/1010 AR)
Relationship Note on Eleyna
You depart.
She arrives.
Should she join you in the Queens embrace so soon after leaving it, you will at least know how much we cherished you. And her.
If she survives, we wanted her to bear a name of a woman who fought for her own life, who made those around her happy and lived her life as full as she could and had the strength to do anything she put her mind to. She will need that strength. Your strength, as she seems to fight for her own life. She is so small and frail and her breath so labored.
You left.
And she came.
My heart stops while we wait with her laid against my chest. My eyes wet and my breath slow. Plead her case with the Queen of Endings my friend, with the Mother of Beginnings to give us more time with her. Years if you could, decades instead of hours. I could not bear to lose two Eleyna's in my lifetime when I have just lost the best one.
Rest. Rest until she sends you to join us again. When you do, may you find him and may you find your way to us so that we may embrace once more.
She arrives.
Should she join you in the Queens embrace so soon after leaving it, you will at least know how much we cherished you. And her.
If she survives, we wanted her to bear a name of a woman who fought for her own life, who made those around her happy and lived her life as full as she could and had the strength to do anything she put her mind to. She will need that strength. Your strength, as she seems to fight for her own life. She is so small and frail and her breath so labored.
You left.
And she came.
My heart stops while we wait with her laid against my chest. My eyes wet and my breath slow. Plead her case with the Queen of Endings my friend, with the Mother of Beginnings to give us more time with her. Years if you could, decades instead of hours. I could not bear to lose two Eleyna's in my lifetime when I have just lost the best one.
Rest. Rest until she sends you to join us again. When you do, may you find him and may you find your way to us so that we may embrace once more.
Written By Alarissa
March 15, 2019, 4:21 p.m.(9/28/1010 AR)
There's something comforting about a new dress. And new jewelry. Even though the former can't be worn until I've given birth, but I can at least sit and look at it and wait for when I have a waist again.
Written By Alarissa
March 7, 2019, 9:25 p.m.(9/12/1010 AR)
And just like that, we breach ten million, and find ourselves seventy thousand shy of fifteen million for the year. To have gone from twenty percent of the children freed to thirty percent, and within grasp. The latest donation made me smile as the messenger came and I tucked it into the chest. Ready to be sent off to procure more of the bonds and then dissolve them. But there is no rest. None at all. Rest comes when they are all freed.
Written By Alarissa
March 1, 2019, 10:17 a.m.(8/28/1010 AR)
Thirteen million overall.
Just a little over five hundred thousand to bring us to 9 million for the year.
Each day, each day I am flabbergasted at the generosity that pours forth.
Probably too ambitious to forge forth for ten million? I have sent some items made for auction to the former whisper Selene to see them sold for Thursday's Child. We shall see. I have to try.
Just a little over five hundred thousand to bring us to 9 million for the year.
Each day, each day I am flabbergasted at the generosity that pours forth.
Probably too ambitious to forge forth for ten million? I have sent some items made for auction to the former whisper Selene to see them sold for Thursday's Child. We shall see. I have to try.
Written By Alarissa
Feb. 26, 2019, 3:34 p.m.(8/22/1010 AR)
Twenty three thousand and we will have gathered eight million for the year thus far for Thursday's Child. The generosity of many still, and I know I write this often, astounds me. And as of this morning, twelve and a half million silver. Twelve thousand and a half children.
Gracious. I only have four and another to come at the start of the new year. It's hard to fathom that many children. It truly is. And yet, twelve thousand and a half.
Ever closer we creep.
Gracious. I only have four and another to come at the start of the new year. It's hard to fathom that many children. It truly is. And yet, twelve thousand and a half.
Ever closer we creep.
Written By Alarissa
Feb. 24, 2019, 11:28 p.m.(8/19/1010 AR)
Relationship Note on Aerwyna
I enjoy seeking out the new seamstresses and fabric whisperers in the city as they crop up. You never know whether they will be the next thing.
To say that she has made a good dress and hat for my pilgrimage is an understatement. Or the few other dresses that I had made. She convinced me to even have pants made. I am not a fan of the restriction of such
They feel wonderful. Mistress Aerwyna, most certainly up there with those I will turn to and it was nice to indulge in some new clothing instead of throwing everything at thrall children as I have for the last few months.
To say that she has made a good dress and hat for my pilgrimage is an understatement. Or the few other dresses that I had made. She convinced me to even have pants made. I am not a fan of the restriction of such
They feel wonderful. Mistress Aerwyna, most certainly up there with those I will turn to and it was nice to indulge in some new clothing instead of throwing everything at thrall children as I have for the last few months.
Written By Alarissa
Feb. 15, 2019, 12:06 a.m.(7/27/1010 AR)
What did he eat...
Why does he smell like... squirrel.
Why does he smell like... squirrel.
Written By Alarissa
Feb. 14, 2019, 2:07 p.m.(7/26/1010 AR)
Eleven point two.
Blessed be the Gods. To think that two weeks ago, we were half past ten and before that, just shy of ten million.
The generosity of a few each week brings me probably not as near the amount of joy that the children or their parents must feel when they see the bond bought and then struck. Between the tomes pf childrens tales, the donations, the standing weekly donations - this week they rose from seven thousand to twelve alone.
Lady Lisebet has been steadfast in her determination to see writs pressed into a messengers palm each week. Brady Grayhope has kept his promise, and three quarters of his salary makes it's way to thrax's coffers and then into the coinbox. Lady Sanya, a surprise and yet, there it is without fail each week. Marquise rymarr wrote this morning, pledging the entirety of his stipend from the Iron guard. As he wrote, he does not need it, he does as he does because it should be done, so thus he gives to see the end of childhood thralldom a little bit closer. Master Sparte, ever steadfast and the same to be said for Lady Mikani.
I will note, House Crovane.
The messenger I received stole my breath away for one moment in my gloom and a ray of sun shone down. three hundred thousand. Across the isles, this week alone, five hundred and fifty children thus far will have their bonds struck.
Can I do this in five years?
To ambitious to see it done in three?
Blessed be the Gods. To think that two weeks ago, we were half past ten and before that, just shy of ten million.
The generosity of a few each week brings me probably not as near the amount of joy that the children or their parents must feel when they see the bond bought and then struck. Between the tomes pf childrens tales, the donations, the standing weekly donations - this week they rose from seven thousand to twelve alone.
Lady Lisebet has been steadfast in her determination to see writs pressed into a messengers palm each week. Brady Grayhope has kept his promise, and three quarters of his salary makes it's way to thrax's coffers and then into the coinbox. Lady Sanya, a surprise and yet, there it is without fail each week. Marquise rymarr wrote this morning, pledging the entirety of his stipend from the Iron guard. As he wrote, he does not need it, he does as he does because it should be done, so thus he gives to see the end of childhood thralldom a little bit closer. Master Sparte, ever steadfast and the same to be said for Lady Mikani.
I will note, House Crovane.
The messenger I received stole my breath away for one moment in my gloom and a ray of sun shone down. three hundred thousand. Across the isles, this week alone, five hundred and fifty children thus far will have their bonds struck.
Can I do this in five years?
To ambitious to see it done in three?
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