Written By Khanne
Jan. 8, 2017, 8:35 p.m.(8/11/1005 AR)
The events of today worry me greatly. What I saw was the single most sorrowful thing I have ever witnessed, and it broke my heart. To see something so pure, so beautiful as the very air we breathe... snuffed out in painful anguish.... Hours later it still brings tears to my eyes.
How do I stop this from happening?
I need to prepare, for if what I did today had this result... what is going to happen with the others I come into contact with?
How do I stop this from happening?
I need to prepare, for if what I did today had this result... what is going to happen with the others I come into contact with?
Written By Khanne
Jan. 6, 2017, 10:30 p.m.(8/5/1005 AR)
Idleness makes me uncomfortable.
This is what I discover today. I have been so very busy as of late, finally becoming involved in things that are the very reason I am here; how to heal, to stop the taint, the evil that spreads. I have attended meetings, gone into meditations, become involved in politics, listened, observed, learned. And now, in this moment, I find quiet.... and ironically, it is strangely.... disquieting.
Worrisome how much my life has changed, I have changed since coming here. I try to cling to what made me the person I am... but in this place, it can be difficult. Where once I was surrounded by naught but wood and mountain, rarely to come across another, I am now surrounded by walls, and beyond those walls people, and more people. In the wide-open grandeur of nature, I felt as tall as a giant, enclosed in the cage of the city so often feel small. I am comfortable enough when around those I know, even in the face of strangers, proud and strong. I lived my life in solitude and was content, now, here, it brings me anxiety. Thank goodness he has gifted me with Serenity, perhaps she will help.
Not that I am any weaker or less confident than I have always been, but it is in these quiet times alone that the weight of the events taking place begins to push at me. Thoughts race through my head. What do we do? How do we do it? Will it be enough? What do we know? What can we discover? Questions and more questions and not enough answers.
But then if I let my mind wander....
I truly need to paint more. There is so much that needs to be expressed.
This is what I discover today. I have been so very busy as of late, finally becoming involved in things that are the very reason I am here; how to heal, to stop the taint, the evil that spreads. I have attended meetings, gone into meditations, become involved in politics, listened, observed, learned. And now, in this moment, I find quiet.... and ironically, it is strangely.... disquieting.
Worrisome how much my life has changed, I have changed since coming here. I try to cling to what made me the person I am... but in this place, it can be difficult. Where once I was surrounded by naught but wood and mountain, rarely to come across another, I am now surrounded by walls, and beyond those walls people, and more people. In the wide-open grandeur of nature, I felt as tall as a giant, enclosed in the cage of the city so often feel small. I am comfortable enough when around those I know, even in the face of strangers, proud and strong. I lived my life in solitude and was content, now, here, it brings me anxiety. Thank goodness he has gifted me with Serenity, perhaps she will help.
Not that I am any weaker or less confident than I have always been, but it is in these quiet times alone that the weight of the events taking place begins to push at me. Thoughts race through my head. What do we do? How do we do it? Will it be enough? What do we know? What can we discover? Questions and more questions and not enough answers.
But then if I let my mind wander....
I truly need to paint more. There is so much that needs to be expressed.
Written By Khanne
Jan. 1, 2017, 11:52 p.m.(7/18/1005 AR)
Perhaps this is it. Perhaps this is what called me here. My mission. I must do all I can to help the fight and I do not have the strength of arm to do much to aid in battle... but this? This I can do, I must do. My path has led me here for a reason, I felt it pulling me. And so, I will do all I can.
Knowing you will do what you must, if needed.
And pray that it doesn't come to that.
With hope that it works.
Knowing you will do what you must, if needed.
And pray that it doesn't come to that.
With hope that it works.
Written By Khanne
Jan. 1, 2017, 11:18 p.m.(7/18/1005 AR)
It has been quite a week.
A week of one story after another.
A week of surprises, pleasant and not.
A week that has found a million questions raised....
A week with nowhere near enough answers found.
I am finally finding myself involved. it is daunting, but, I feel this is why I am here.
A week of one story after another.
A week of surprises, pleasant and not.
A week that has found a million questions raised....
A week with nowhere near enough answers found.
I am finally finding myself involved. it is daunting, but, I feel this is why I am here.
Written By Khanne
Dec. 25, 2016, 8:27 p.m.(6/25/1005 AR)
Another topic as of late, love. This one is much more difficult for me to ruminate on. I understand the base concept of it, for certain, but it is not something I have ever felt in a romantic sense. I lived a rather solitary life for a long time, which makes it fairly difficult to connect to a person, though I do of course have familial love for those I am related to, regardless of how seldom I saw them. Whitehold as well, I suppose I could say I love, for it is a place near and dear to my heart, one I miss rather immensely at times while suffering through the heat of Arx. Still though, there are aspects of the city I am growing fond of, slowly...
It is rather difficult though to try to define what love is. In ways, I believe it is an intellectual connection before it is a matter of the heart. Though, I have seen some that would appear to feel it first with body and perhaps not at all with mind. There are those who seem to act no different towards the one they claim to love than they would any other good friend or family member. Then, there are those who seem rather fickle, their care moving from one to another as fast as a bolt of lightning striking from the sky. After some time contemplating it and even speaking with others on the topic, I believe that it is entirely different for each person. This makes no ones definition of love wrong, even if it does not adhere to what others believe it is or should be. It is right for that individual, and they need just find those who are like-minded, understanding, or one or the both must compromise.
I cannot even imagine what it feels like to be in love with another; passionately, intimately, romantically in love. One person recently told me it is a rather exquisite sort of pain. It was described as a longing to be near, an aching when you are not, and should it end, a pain so deep and cutting it might as well be physical. This, to me, does not seem like something I would hope to feel. Pain is what I accept in battle, it is a necessity in training, it can feel good, make one feel alive... but should I ever allow myself to feel love, I do not think that is how I will feel it. And perhaps that is the key, should I ever allow myself. I certainly am not looking for it, and am not even sure I would recognize it if it found me. I am curious though, as I am about many things. Perhaps I shall continue my observations....
It is rather difficult though to try to define what love is. In ways, I believe it is an intellectual connection before it is a matter of the heart. Though, I have seen some that would appear to feel it first with body and perhaps not at all with mind. There are those who seem to act no different towards the one they claim to love than they would any other good friend or family member. Then, there are those who seem rather fickle, their care moving from one to another as fast as a bolt of lightning striking from the sky. After some time contemplating it and even speaking with others on the topic, I believe that it is entirely different for each person. This makes no ones definition of love wrong, even if it does not adhere to what others believe it is or should be. It is right for that individual, and they need just find those who are like-minded, understanding, or one or the both must compromise.
I cannot even imagine what it feels like to be in love with another; passionately, intimately, romantically in love. One person recently told me it is a rather exquisite sort of pain. It was described as a longing to be near, an aching when you are not, and should it end, a pain so deep and cutting it might as well be physical. This, to me, does not seem like something I would hope to feel. Pain is what I accept in battle, it is a necessity in training, it can feel good, make one feel alive... but should I ever allow myself to feel love, I do not think that is how I will feel it. And perhaps that is the key, should I ever allow myself. I certainly am not looking for it, and am not even sure I would recognize it if it found me. I am curious though, as I am about many things. Perhaps I shall continue my observations....
Written By Khanne
Dec. 24, 2016, 4:12 p.m.(6/21/1005 AR)
Relationship Note on Marcas
He is a fine Warrior for my house, and one dedicated to keeping us all safe. He has offered me armed escort whenever I am in need, but too, seems to be becoming a valued friend as well.
Written By Khanne
Dec. 24, 2016, 10:48 a.m.(6/21/1005 AR)
Relationship Note on Valencia
An interesting talk was had at The Spirits recently. I have come to know her a bit better, feel a bit closer to her as a friend, and yet, she frustratingly tells me absolutely nothing. I warned her I am stubborn and do not give up easily.
Written By Khanne
Dec. 24, 2016, 10:45 a.m.(6/21/1005 AR)
Relationship Note on Agnarr
One day, warns someone to be careful after something said. Another, I want to throttle him for not taking his own advice.
Written By Khanne
Dec. 24, 2016, 9:41 a.m.(6/20/1005 AR)
It was asked recently, what is beauty? I am not sure I could put it any better than Mydas, truly, but I am feeling a bit introspective and thought I would put ink to paper.
So many think of the visual aspect of beauty only, the symmetry of a person's face, the silken fabrics they may wear and how they cling to a body, or how someone's hair catches in the light, just so, making them seem radiant. All beautiful things perhaps, but there is much more in life that is purely, simply, beautiful.
I believe it is also in the way the wind caresses your cheek and rustles the leaves of a tree, in how the sun warms you right to the bone as if wrapping its embrace around your very souls, or in the sound of near silence when you are in the mountains alone during a snow fall, the fresh layer of white crunching beneath your feet.
Ah, that last one gets me. It is so hot here... I miss the mountains, the cold, snow, freedom, and sometimes, I miss the solitude. At no time in my life have I felt more at peace, more balanced with myself and the entire world around me, than in those moments where I was dressed in furs and leathers sitting on a boulder to watch the snow fall. I can close my eyes now and see it, feel it. Crystalline snowflakes catching the light of the sun or moon as they fall, blanketing the ground in a pillowy layer of pristine white, collecting on the branches of trees, sticking to my eyelashes as I blink in awe of the beauty around me. There is a sublime serenity in this moment, the hush that sweeps the area, as if every little creature is just as captivated by it as I am.
On the converse, my mind floats to flame and heat, naked bodies enraptured in passion by one another as a fire crackles nearby. Skin glistening from the light sweat that lovemaking creates. The scent of one another's musk in the air, the sounds of gasping breaths and thrilled little moans culminating in a crashing of bodies and voices lifting in songs of primal pleasure...
I digress. Apparently being introspective is a bit dangerous for me... Beauty is everywhere we wish to seek it. It is in quiet moments of solitude, in passions ignited and shared, in the crowded gatherings of people with laughter ringing through the air, and even in the darkened shadows many fear to look in. All you have to do is open your mind and your souls to it, and you will find it.
So many think of the visual aspect of beauty only, the symmetry of a person's face, the silken fabrics they may wear and how they cling to a body, or how someone's hair catches in the light, just so, making them seem radiant. All beautiful things perhaps, but there is much more in life that is purely, simply, beautiful.
I believe it is also in the way the wind caresses your cheek and rustles the leaves of a tree, in how the sun warms you right to the bone as if wrapping its embrace around your very souls, or in the sound of near silence when you are in the mountains alone during a snow fall, the fresh layer of white crunching beneath your feet.
Ah, that last one gets me. It is so hot here... I miss the mountains, the cold, snow, freedom, and sometimes, I miss the solitude. At no time in my life have I felt more at peace, more balanced with myself and the entire world around me, than in those moments where I was dressed in furs and leathers sitting on a boulder to watch the snow fall. I can close my eyes now and see it, feel it. Crystalline snowflakes catching the light of the sun or moon as they fall, blanketing the ground in a pillowy layer of pristine white, collecting on the branches of trees, sticking to my eyelashes as I blink in awe of the beauty around me. There is a sublime serenity in this moment, the hush that sweeps the area, as if every little creature is just as captivated by it as I am.
On the converse, my mind floats to flame and heat, naked bodies enraptured in passion by one another as a fire crackles nearby. Skin glistening from the light sweat that lovemaking creates. The scent of one another's musk in the air, the sounds of gasping breaths and thrilled little moans culminating in a crashing of bodies and voices lifting in songs of primal pleasure...
I digress. Apparently being introspective is a bit dangerous for me... Beauty is everywhere we wish to seek it. It is in quiet moments of solitude, in passions ignited and shared, in the crowded gatherings of people with laughter ringing through the air, and even in the darkened shadows many fear to look in. All you have to do is open your mind and your souls to it, and you will find it.
Written By Khanne
Dec. 18, 2016, 5:09 p.m.(6/3/1005 AR)
I know, I know. I swore to myself that I would write much more often than I have managed this week. But, I made that vow when I first arrived in Arx. I had no idea just how busy... just how swept up into things I would be. They say I must do this while I am here, for the archives, but I mainly do it for myself.
So much has happened. I have accomplished some things on my to-do list, but not all. I am still working on acquiring leathers, weapons, and other things that I need, but some progress has been made. Majority of my time has been meeting with more and more people from House Redrain, and slowly getting to know them better. Building my connections to those of the north helps make missing home a little more bearable. Building connections to others in town has made life interesting. Certainly expanding my knowledge of other houses and other beliefs is important to my own mission, and hopefully I can help them as well, and for those in need, show them the beauty of balance.
I should probably go into more detail, but I involved myself in a drinking challenge between Lord Sigurd and the Redrain servant Morrighan. I did not intend to do so, especially since I was already feeling a lack of composure from too little sleep, but I did. I lost miserably. I will have my rematch, Sigurd. This I swear. But please, next time can we drink something that tastes better? That swill was worse than poison! Some have said, and I may have to agree that whoever gave that to you made it of piss and passed it off as liquor. Never. Again.
Where was I? Oh, I would go into more detail, but my brain is in recover mode. I have some meetings to look forward to, some that truly intrigue me. I do enjoy delving into the layers of personality of those I come across more so than knowing them for the surface they reveal. I prefer to see what is under the mask that they wear.
And we all wear them.
So much has happened. I have accomplished some things on my to-do list, but not all. I am still working on acquiring leathers, weapons, and other things that I need, but some progress has been made. Majority of my time has been meeting with more and more people from House Redrain, and slowly getting to know them better. Building my connections to those of the north helps make missing home a little more bearable. Building connections to others in town has made life interesting. Certainly expanding my knowledge of other houses and other beliefs is important to my own mission, and hopefully I can help them as well, and for those in need, show them the beauty of balance.
I should probably go into more detail, but I involved myself in a drinking challenge between Lord Sigurd and the Redrain servant Morrighan. I did not intend to do so, especially since I was already feeling a lack of composure from too little sleep, but I did. I lost miserably. I will have my rematch, Sigurd. This I swear. But please, next time can we drink something that tastes better? That swill was worse than poison! Some have said, and I may have to agree that whoever gave that to you made it of piss and passed it off as liquor. Never. Again.
Where was I? Oh, I would go into more detail, but my brain is in recover mode. I have some meetings to look forward to, some that truly intrigue me. I do enjoy delving into the layers of personality of those I come across more so than knowing them for the surface they reveal. I prefer to see what is under the mask that they wear.
And we all wear them.
Written By Khanne
Dec. 14, 2016, 11:38 a.m.(5/19/1005 AR)
I was far too tired to write last night. Also left with a lack of surety on what, precisely, to put quill to paper.
I often speak of balance and its importance in life. In darkness, look for the light, for example. I firmly believe that for all the evil in the world, there is good, and that hope is the key, or one of them, to success. Yesterday was a complex day, filled with joy and hope, shadowed by the darkness of memories that were trying to claw their way out. I was more solemn than I have been.. well, in public anyway. I find it a complicating manner to be social under such circumstances, when prior to now I was able to find solace in the woods, in the mountains, to walk with The Spirits and feel the breeze upon my cheeks. I have to adjust, here. I know they still walk with me, I know they always will. That alone brings me some comfort, but I miss having that 'place' where I can cleanse my spirit. I hope to find one here or nearby soon.
Aside from the shadow following me throughout the day, I attended the ritual performed by Freja and Signe. It was lovely, and did provide me with a bit of solace in the day. I find their methods perhaps different than my own, though certainly with a similar basis. I decided to explore the city a bit again, after, and met another intriguing individual that I rather hope to run into again in the future, but perhaps without the need of his services.
This week continues my hunt for a tailor or seamstress with time to work, and I should speak with Julea in regards to some things... and find a carpenter... I have a meeting with Princess Sophie later this week. I am looking forward to the conversation, and it has been suggested that I seek out one from The Salon to speak with as well. Perhaps I should write a missive in that regard. I should do so now....
One last note.... sometimes even the iciest of mountains has fire within its heart.
I often speak of balance and its importance in life. In darkness, look for the light, for example. I firmly believe that for all the evil in the world, there is good, and that hope is the key, or one of them, to success. Yesterday was a complex day, filled with joy and hope, shadowed by the darkness of memories that were trying to claw their way out. I was more solemn than I have been.. well, in public anyway. I find it a complicating manner to be social under such circumstances, when prior to now I was able to find solace in the woods, in the mountains, to walk with The Spirits and feel the breeze upon my cheeks. I have to adjust, here. I know they still walk with me, I know they always will. That alone brings me some comfort, but I miss having that 'place' where I can cleanse my spirit. I hope to find one here or nearby soon.
Aside from the shadow following me throughout the day, I attended the ritual performed by Freja and Signe. It was lovely, and did provide me with a bit of solace in the day. I find their methods perhaps different than my own, though certainly with a similar basis. I decided to explore the city a bit again, after, and met another intriguing individual that I rather hope to run into again in the future, but perhaps without the need of his services.
This week continues my hunt for a tailor or seamstress with time to work, and I should speak with Julea in regards to some things... and find a carpenter... I have a meeting with Princess Sophie later this week. I am looking forward to the conversation, and it has been suggested that I seek out one from The Salon to speak with as well. Perhaps I should write a missive in that regard. I should do so now....
One last note.... sometimes even the iciest of mountains has fire within its heart.
Written By Khanne
Dec. 12, 2016, 11:52 p.m.(5/14/1005 AR)
I was completely exhausted today. After staying awake /far/ too late for drinks with Lord Sigurd, I woke at an ungodly hour. I am still far, far too tired, but just had to write about my day before it was completely over.
I decided to walk the halls of Halfshav House and take a look at the decor, since I usually just rush on through to my suite. Prince Fergus happened upon me during a patrol and stopped to greet me. He once fought very closely with my uncle in some brutal campaigns. We spoke at great length about the balance, and of weaponry and a great number of things. I found it interesting, to say the least, how very alike we are in some ways, and yet so vastly different. I do look forward to speaking with him more.
I took a much needed, MUCH needed nap, then off to the wrestling pit it was! (With a brief stop at the bar, of course). I was fortunate enough to be accompanied by Lord Mydas Nightgold, whom I had not had an opportunity to speak with before, really. The evening... was amazing! Not only was I treated to wonderful conversation, but my dear cousin, Brianna, did the Halfshav's proud (as if there was a chance she wouldn't? I simply adore her)! Suddenly, all my tiredness was gone. I know my words now are not doing it justice, my pillow is beckoning, loudly.. but wow. I have not smiled this much in a while. Proud to be Halfshav! Proud to be Redrain! To the last!
....I may go looking for spiderwebs tomorrow.....
I decided to walk the halls of Halfshav House and take a look at the decor, since I usually just rush on through to my suite. Prince Fergus happened upon me during a patrol and stopped to greet me. He once fought very closely with my uncle in some brutal campaigns. We spoke at great length about the balance, and of weaponry and a great number of things. I found it interesting, to say the least, how very alike we are in some ways, and yet so vastly different. I do look forward to speaking with him more.
I took a much needed, MUCH needed nap, then off to the wrestling pit it was! (With a brief stop at the bar, of course). I was fortunate enough to be accompanied by Lord Mydas Nightgold, whom I had not had an opportunity to speak with before, really. The evening... was amazing! Not only was I treated to wonderful conversation, but my dear cousin, Brianna, did the Halfshav's proud (as if there was a chance she wouldn't? I simply adore her)! Suddenly, all my tiredness was gone. I know my words now are not doing it justice, my pillow is beckoning, loudly.. but wow. I have not smiled this much in a while. Proud to be Halfshav! Proud to be Redrain! To the last!
....I may go looking for spiderwebs tomorrow.....
Written By Khanne
Dec. 11, 2016, 11:06 p.m.(5/11/1005 AR)
I must admit, I enjoyed my day today. Possibly more so than any other as of yet. Perhaps it was because my to-do list is gaining more checkmarks, done and not growing longer by five more items for each one finished. Anyway, I had some free time and decided to take someone's advice and went to the Hall of Heroes for a bit of scholarly study. I did not get very far into the Hall, but found inspiration nonetheless. Not only in the statues and inscriptions, but the company I found myself in.
I met, more officially, Prince Edain Valardin. He was nothing like I expected him to be, not in this conversation at the least. I was pleasantly surprised and do hope to meet with him again. He suggested I contact his cousin, Princess Sophie, and I do hope to connect with her as well.
Lord Knight Damon Wyrmguard also visited the Hall, and while I met him, sort of, rather briefly, I was able to actually have more conversation with him as well. He is completely charming, with a smile that, if I am honest, many girls who dream of being saved by a knight in shining armor would imagine that knight to have. I was unsure, at first, about how our conversation would go, but after a pleasant walk that ended with a glass of whiskey and friendly banter, I can say I find him intriguing. I sense there is something under the surface of who he betrays himself to be, whether that is good or bad, I have yet to discover. I look forward to further conversations with him, and a chance to perhaps get to know him a bit better.
Alas, as always, there is balance, and not everything can be smiles and laughter. I continue to have difficulty finding a tailor or seamstress available to help me improve my bland wardrobe. Perhaps tomorrow... A new day brings with it new opportunities, and apparently, chances to be surprised. Pleasantly. And to be left smiling as you write in your journal while the sun sets, painting the sky with nature's beautiful colors of hope.
I met, more officially, Prince Edain Valardin. He was nothing like I expected him to be, not in this conversation at the least. I was pleasantly surprised and do hope to meet with him again. He suggested I contact his cousin, Princess Sophie, and I do hope to connect with her as well.
Lord Knight Damon Wyrmguard also visited the Hall, and while I met him, sort of, rather briefly, I was able to actually have more conversation with him as well. He is completely charming, with a smile that, if I am honest, many girls who dream of being saved by a knight in shining armor would imagine that knight to have. I was unsure, at first, about how our conversation would go, but after a pleasant walk that ended with a glass of whiskey and friendly banter, I can say I find him intriguing. I sense there is something under the surface of who he betrays himself to be, whether that is good or bad, I have yet to discover. I look forward to further conversations with him, and a chance to perhaps get to know him a bit better.
Alas, as always, there is balance, and not everything can be smiles and laughter. I continue to have difficulty finding a tailor or seamstress available to help me improve my bland wardrobe. Perhaps tomorrow... A new day brings with it new opportunities, and apparently, chances to be surprised. Pleasantly. And to be left smiling as you write in your journal while the sun sets, painting the sky with nature's beautiful colors of hope.
Written By Khanne
Dec. 11, 2016, 12:59 a.m.(5/8/1005 AR)
I had heard gossip of a barbecue at the Valardin grounds, and so decided to attend on a whim. What a scene that was. I believe half the city must have been there. Okay, so that is a bit of an exaggeration... there were many though, and it was quite overwhelming at times. I met many nice people, Princess Sophie, Mistress Leola among them, and was able to fall into contact with some fellow Redrain, finally.
It is starting to feel a little more solid here. I have moved, already, from one room to the Halfshav house. Family is a treasured commodity, and it is good to be so close to some. I have yet to unpack fully, but shall. All things shall have their roots, and so too, shall I.
My to-do list continues to grow. I am feeling a bit out of sorts and need to find a place full of nature's beauty to help me maintain the balance I require. It is not so much the city itself, but the crowds. I suppose I shall adjust and become more accustomed to it as I have before. First step, new clothes... I just need to find a tailor...
It is starting to feel a little more solid here. I have moved, already, from one room to the Halfshav house. Family is a treasured commodity, and it is good to be so close to some. I have yet to unpack fully, but shall. All things shall have their roots, and so too, shall I.
My to-do list continues to grow. I am feeling a bit out of sorts and need to find a place full of nature's beauty to help me maintain the balance I require. It is not so much the city itself, but the crowds. I suppose I shall adjust and become more accustomed to it as I have before. First step, new clothes... I just need to find a tailor...
Written By Khanne
Dec. 10, 2016, 3:28 a.m.(5/6/1005 AR)
Well, the sun has risen, and set, and now the stars shine over the lands. Day one is under my belt, and though I still have much to explore, and many people to meet, I think it has gone well thus far. I happened upon Princess Natalia Grayson, who seems a kind soul, and Lord Sigurd Nightgold. Intriguing man, he. We have spoken of meeting again some time when we are not near sleep. I shall look forward to that. No sign of my brother as of yet, I am sure he is near, sword in hand. I do hope to speak with him soon, as well as others of my name. Tomorrow shall come before I know it, and so for now, I rest.
Please note that the scholars may take some time preparing your journal for others to read.