Written By Medeia
March 19, 2021, 1:06 p.m.(2/21/1015 AR)
The feast of sea shanties was a splendid evening! The food and drink were plentiful - perhaps too much so in the case of the latter, the hall was packed with the best people, and each performance offered an opportunity to learn about the performer or where they come from or what they value. There was no shortage of entertainment, but I was pleasantly surprised at how much I learned and hope others did, too.
I especially would like to acknowledge Lord Haakon, Lady Zoey, Lord Wash, Savio, and Lady Ophira for their contributions to the evening. It couldn't have been a night of sea shanties without them sharing as they did. I continue to be in awe of the talent and passion of the people around me.
I especially would like to acknowledge Lord Haakon, Lady Zoey, Lord Wash, Savio, and Lady Ophira for their contributions to the evening. It couldn't have been a night of sea shanties without them sharing as they did. I continue to be in awe of the talent and passion of the people around me.
Written By Medeia
March 15, 2021, 3:08 a.m.(2/12/1015 AR)
It seems even the most clever dress designers can't do much to disguise a pregnancy well past the half point. And since my cuirass no longer fits? I'll be staying within the city more, though I do hope to take one or two more trips before I have "mother" added to my list of identities. Not that I'm not excited for that journey - I am! There just seems to be more to do, more to prepare. I keep waiting for the moment where I feel ready. Even though I've been a midwife as long as I have and know that feeling will never come. One always hopes to be the exception.
I was able to help Lady Zoey welcome her handsome twins, Lords Elowyn and Azrael Kennex last week. But earlier today, I was unable to set a broken bone by myself. I will likely need to reduce my shifts at the hospital soon. Accepting my limitations has never been one of my strengths. This will, I hope, be good practice at doing just that.
I did have someone offer me protection by threatening to peel anyone who bothered me like an orange, however. A unique threat from a unique person. I'd rather not have to find out if they will follow through. I'm not sure I could repair the damage done to a body that's had that done. Perhaps I should just ask them to use the threat against me whenever I fail to rest adequately in the next two to three months.
I was able to help Lady Zoey welcome her handsome twins, Lords Elowyn and Azrael Kennex last week. But earlier today, I was unable to set a broken bone by myself. I will likely need to reduce my shifts at the hospital soon. Accepting my limitations has never been one of my strengths. This will, I hope, be good practice at doing just that.
I did have someone offer me protection by threatening to peel anyone who bothered me like an orange, however. A unique threat from a unique person. I'd rather not have to find out if they will follow through. I'm not sure I could repair the damage done to a body that's had that done. Perhaps I should just ask them to use the threat against me whenever I fail to rest adequately in the next two to three months.
Written By Medeia
March 9, 2021, 1:12 a.m.(1/28/1015 AR)
Scholar, I once again find myself with far too many things to record in such a short period of time. I shall try to focus on the positives.
Haakon returned home from the battle aiding House Leporidae unscathed and having lost none of Eswynd's longships. Further? The combined efforts of all who were involved resulted in victory. While I have already had wonderful personal ties to some of the people of Tremorous and Sangris, it is my hope that this is the foundation for strong alliances. I also heard that my time providing medical training to Leporidae's Myrmidons helped save lives.
In the wake of that battle, when the ships came to port, I was on shift at Saving Grace and had to send out emergency summons to attend to the more grievously wounded who needed care they could not get in the field. I am relieved to say that all will recover in time. My heart absolutely dropped seeing Zakhar - my husband's protege, Savio, and Lord Orland brought in. By the gods, I was blessed with answers to my summons that helped me ensure all our patients stabilized and are able to return to their loved ones. My gratitude goes to Lady Thea and Lady Cecelia, Sister Giada and Brother Aelgar, Physician Oswyn and Apothecary Ksenia.
The following day, I had the delight of speaking with Lady Cecilia about having her join the Physicians Guild - we were of the same mind, Scholar, she had come to speak to me on it when I asked her about it. She even asked if she might train with me! I am honored by the trust she has in me.
I have also recently found myself gifted with the friendship of Lady Zoey - in fact, many a Kennex has joined the table for a meal at Eswyndol as of late. I am glad of it. However, Lady Zoey has been a compassionate and comforting ear in the wake of loss, and being asked to be her midwife - being asked to be anyone's midwife - is an honor. We have shared in conversation over difficult topics and found similar thoughts, curiosities, hopes, and goals. And then she asked if I would consider being a tutor to young Lord Uriel. I am excited to add him to my growing list of students.
After a surprising conversation with Ilira Whisper recently, she wrote me and asked if I might speak with her again. She was one of the first people I met when I arrived in Arx, and so it is nice to still have some of those longer connections. When we met, she left me stunned by her gracious gift - a dress of honeysilk dyed to match the mossy and earthen shades of color in my eyes. Such kindness is a beautiful thing to see (and perhaps I shall find a chance to wear it soon, backless though it may be).
I learned my cousin Volya has come to the city, and while I was only able to see him in passing last week, it was a joy to have him visit the house and meet both my husband and my protege. It is strange, how life's circumstances play out - each thinking the other dead, and now occupying the other's birth fealty. Even so, he still has that fantastic sense of humor (and remembers far too many of the nicknames he once had for me). I never did get to ask him about the shirt business I keep seeing mentioned in other journals. A topic for the next visit.
At the same time, Nijah was visiting. She is marvelous. When people think of wanting a protege, I bet they think of having one like her. I was so concerned when we first met, and she expressed interest in discussing a patronage relationship, that she would come to regret the choice. But if she has had any complaints of me, I have not heard a hint of them. The last several months she has been exceptionally busy fulfilling her duties to Whisper house, yet still found the time to assist me every few weeks with some trade tasks. There are other projects in the works that I can't share just yet that he has been instrumental in ensuring success as well. And so it was with much elation and pride that I celebrate her as Nijah Whisper, no longer an apprentice. She should be seeking out a more prestigious patron, but I have been assured she sees no reason to change the nature of our relationship. She is an asset to the Whispers, the city, and a light in my own life.
There is good happening all around us. Even in these heavy times. Take comfort in it. Embrace it. Let it fill up your heart so that you have a shield from the darkness. If that fails, I can possibly lend you an Eswynd warrior - they're excellent at fending off unwanted things.
Haakon returned home from the battle aiding House Leporidae unscathed and having lost none of Eswynd's longships. Further? The combined efforts of all who were involved resulted in victory. While I have already had wonderful personal ties to some of the people of Tremorous and Sangris, it is my hope that this is the foundation for strong alliances. I also heard that my time providing medical training to Leporidae's Myrmidons helped save lives.
In the wake of that battle, when the ships came to port, I was on shift at Saving Grace and had to send out emergency summons to attend to the more grievously wounded who needed care they could not get in the field. I am relieved to say that all will recover in time. My heart absolutely dropped seeing Zakhar - my husband's protege, Savio, and Lord Orland brought in. By the gods, I was blessed with answers to my summons that helped me ensure all our patients stabilized and are able to return to their loved ones. My gratitude goes to Lady Thea and Lady Cecelia, Sister Giada and Brother Aelgar, Physician Oswyn and Apothecary Ksenia.
The following day, I had the delight of speaking with Lady Cecilia about having her join the Physicians Guild - we were of the same mind, Scholar, she had come to speak to me on it when I asked her about it. She even asked if she might train with me! I am honored by the trust she has in me.
I have also recently found myself gifted with the friendship of Lady Zoey - in fact, many a Kennex has joined the table for a meal at Eswyndol as of late. I am glad of it. However, Lady Zoey has been a compassionate and comforting ear in the wake of loss, and being asked to be her midwife - being asked to be anyone's midwife - is an honor. We have shared in conversation over difficult topics and found similar thoughts, curiosities, hopes, and goals. And then she asked if I would consider being a tutor to young Lord Uriel. I am excited to add him to my growing list of students.
After a surprising conversation with Ilira Whisper recently, she wrote me and asked if I might speak with her again. She was one of the first people I met when I arrived in Arx, and so it is nice to still have some of those longer connections. When we met, she left me stunned by her gracious gift - a dress of honeysilk dyed to match the mossy and earthen shades of color in my eyes. Such kindness is a beautiful thing to see (and perhaps I shall find a chance to wear it soon, backless though it may be).
I learned my cousin Volya has come to the city, and while I was only able to see him in passing last week, it was a joy to have him visit the house and meet both my husband and my protege. It is strange, how life's circumstances play out - each thinking the other dead, and now occupying the other's birth fealty. Even so, he still has that fantastic sense of humor (and remembers far too many of the nicknames he once had for me). I never did get to ask him about the shirt business I keep seeing mentioned in other journals. A topic for the next visit.
At the same time, Nijah was visiting. She is marvelous. When people think of wanting a protege, I bet they think of having one like her. I was so concerned when we first met, and she expressed interest in discussing a patronage relationship, that she would come to regret the choice. But if she has had any complaints of me, I have not heard a hint of them. The last several months she has been exceptionally busy fulfilling her duties to Whisper house, yet still found the time to assist me every few weeks with some trade tasks. There are other projects in the works that I can't share just yet that he has been instrumental in ensuring success as well. And so it was with much elation and pride that I celebrate her as Nijah Whisper, no longer an apprentice. She should be seeking out a more prestigious patron, but I have been assured she sees no reason to change the nature of our relationship. She is an asset to the Whispers, the city, and a light in my own life.
There is good happening all around us. Even in these heavy times. Take comfort in it. Embrace it. Let it fill up your heart so that you have a shield from the darkness. If that fails, I can possibly lend you an Eswynd warrior - they're excellent at fending off unwanted things.
Written By Medeia
March 6, 2021, 2:15 a.m.(1/22/1015 AR)
I sang, Scholar. Yes, publicly. Well, I mean, there was something of an audience. Lady Kaia and Lord Martino Malvici held dance lessons at La Rosa d'Ebano, and Lady Kaia asked if I would accompany the Black Rose musicians she had hired. I'm still not certain how she knew I could sing - I really don't make a habit of singing for anyone. I imagine Lord Martino told her at some point. And since I am fairly certain my dear old friend was the cause for this request I couldn't reasonably say no to, I of course made sure that the song we performed was one I learned about five years ago in Southport. It had been written a few years earlier than that, even, about a certain young nobleman's exploits at a ball. A lively and fun tune.
There were no serious mishaps on the dance floor by any of the students, and everyone seemed to enjoy themselves. I saw a few new faces, but did not have a chance to meet any of them. And Lady Kaia's outfit was gorgeous! She had an outfit made to go with the deeplight coral necklace from the Coral Ball auction. What a vision.
There were no serious mishaps on the dance floor by any of the students, and everyone seemed to enjoy themselves. I saw a few new faces, but did not have a chance to meet any of them. And Lady Kaia's outfit was gorgeous! She had an outfit made to go with the deeplight coral necklace from the Coral Ball auction. What a vision.
Written By Medeia
March 4, 2021, 1:31 p.m.(1/19/1015 AR)
Relationship Note on Sunniva
It has been several weeks, Scholar, since I learned of the passing of Marquessa Sunniva Harthall. I had wanted to say something sooner, but the words wouldn't come. I was so focused on trying to figure out why this happened. I thought if I knew, it might comfort me. I still don't know, not for certain. No one will confirm my suspicions. But if I am right? No. This is not the time for more brooding. Right now, I wish to commit her to our collective memory. To show how good of heart she was.
When I first met her, we had both found ourselves at the Shrine of the Queen of Endings around the same time. It was fortuitous, in a way: she - newly pregnant and nervous, me - a midwife looking to join the discipleship. We talked for a while, and I was struck by how genuine she was, this Oathlands marquessa open to the comfort of the Mother and baring her vulnerability without shame. When we parted ways that afternoon, I wasn't certain that we would have reason to cross paths again, but I was thankful for the opportunity to have met her just the once.
Sometime after, I was seeking instruction on a matter of courtly graces. She remembered me and wrote to me to offer her assistance. I joined her in the Harthall library and we talked for a while. She provided the requested lesson seamlessly within our conversation, and I left her company that day feeling as though I had been truly seen and heard by someone for the first time in a long time. In the privacy of that fire-warmed room, we didn't feel like Marquessa Harthall and Lady Saik, we felt like Sunniva and Medeia.
As time wore on, bringing the birth of Lady Tibella ever closer, she and I continued to exchange letters, resulting in her choosing me to be her midwife. It was an honor, to say the least. The heir to the March of Fair Harbour! There is something wholly transformative about bringing a new life into this world, being the one entrusted to welcome it, being the first to see the child when the mother has been awaiting that moment for many months. Sunniva's trust was something different entirely. Earning it made me want to be the person she believed me to be, to continue to be worthy of it. She had cleared it with her staff that I could come and go as I pleased to see to the preparations. And then, it was the day!
Every mother I have attended has had strength beyond what any man might expect. Giving birth is physically and emotionally exhausting. Even the quickest and easiest deliveries are still an ordeal. And at that this point, Scholar, I'd forgive you for thinking I am exaggerating the qualities of this particular woman in some attempt to speak kindly of the dead. I'm not. Exaggerating, I mean. I returned in the evening, after the very early morning delivery, to find her awake, alert, friendly, and conversational. I had to remind her to rest and took care of a few things for her while she sat in a comfortable chair. And then I settled on the floor and held Tibella while we talked. We were the only three who existed, it felt like, and we let out some of the hurts and hopes of our past. We shared a similar horror from our youth. And she told me then that I was family. She had decided.
One last anecdote to illustrate the goodness of this woman, Scholar. Shortly before the birth, I had joined her in her garden, with additional company from Duke Ryhalt and his wife Duchess Clover. They had mentioned wanting to invite Haakon and me to dinner, the five of us with Marquis Orvyn, as well. I hesitated, explaining that, perhaps, these fine Oathlanders might wish to reconsider such an invitation to a Mourning Isles Prodigal. It was not my finest moment, assuming their values. I get upset at others when they do the same, but they were all so gracious. Sunniva and Ryhalt agreed with me that the prejudice against Prodigals is ridiculous. They've made their oaths before Limerance, it is the duty of all Faithful to respect those oaths. Anyway. They were both so kind and reassuring. Sunniva was such a bright and shining woman.
One never hopes to receive a letter that begins "If you are reading this..." as the words that follow will inevitably break your heart. The day I received such a letter from Sunniva was meant to be a day of celebration. And not wanting to let anyone down, I put on my new dress made just for the occasion and went out to the party. But I left early and went to the shrine and wept before the altar, clutching that letter, the one that asked me to check in on Tibella from time to time, to ensure the little lady has a woman of warmth and strong character in her life.
If half of what I suspect is true, Marquessa Sunniva Harthall died a hero. Selfless and brave and with love in her heart for the entire Compact. And I am better for having been touched in this life by her.
When I first met her, we had both found ourselves at the Shrine of the Queen of Endings around the same time. It was fortuitous, in a way: she - newly pregnant and nervous, me - a midwife looking to join the discipleship. We talked for a while, and I was struck by how genuine she was, this Oathlands marquessa open to the comfort of the Mother and baring her vulnerability without shame. When we parted ways that afternoon, I wasn't certain that we would have reason to cross paths again, but I was thankful for the opportunity to have met her just the once.
Sometime after, I was seeking instruction on a matter of courtly graces. She remembered me and wrote to me to offer her assistance. I joined her in the Harthall library and we talked for a while. She provided the requested lesson seamlessly within our conversation, and I left her company that day feeling as though I had been truly seen and heard by someone for the first time in a long time. In the privacy of that fire-warmed room, we didn't feel like Marquessa Harthall and Lady Saik, we felt like Sunniva and Medeia.
As time wore on, bringing the birth of Lady Tibella ever closer, she and I continued to exchange letters, resulting in her choosing me to be her midwife. It was an honor, to say the least. The heir to the March of Fair Harbour! There is something wholly transformative about bringing a new life into this world, being the one entrusted to welcome it, being the first to see the child when the mother has been awaiting that moment for many months. Sunniva's trust was something different entirely. Earning it made me want to be the person she believed me to be, to continue to be worthy of it. She had cleared it with her staff that I could come and go as I pleased to see to the preparations. And then, it was the day!
Every mother I have attended has had strength beyond what any man might expect. Giving birth is physically and emotionally exhausting. Even the quickest and easiest deliveries are still an ordeal. And at that this point, Scholar, I'd forgive you for thinking I am exaggerating the qualities of this particular woman in some attempt to speak kindly of the dead. I'm not. Exaggerating, I mean. I returned in the evening, after the very early morning delivery, to find her awake, alert, friendly, and conversational. I had to remind her to rest and took care of a few things for her while she sat in a comfortable chair. And then I settled on the floor and held Tibella while we talked. We were the only three who existed, it felt like, and we let out some of the hurts and hopes of our past. We shared a similar horror from our youth. And she told me then that I was family. She had decided.
One last anecdote to illustrate the goodness of this woman, Scholar. Shortly before the birth, I had joined her in her garden, with additional company from Duke Ryhalt and his wife Duchess Clover. They had mentioned wanting to invite Haakon and me to dinner, the five of us with Marquis Orvyn, as well. I hesitated, explaining that, perhaps, these fine Oathlanders might wish to reconsider such an invitation to a Mourning Isles Prodigal. It was not my finest moment, assuming their values. I get upset at others when they do the same, but they were all so gracious. Sunniva and Ryhalt agreed with me that the prejudice against Prodigals is ridiculous. They've made their oaths before Limerance, it is the duty of all Faithful to respect those oaths. Anyway. They were both so kind and reassuring. Sunniva was such a bright and shining woman.
One never hopes to receive a letter that begins "If you are reading this..." as the words that follow will inevitably break your heart. The day I received such a letter from Sunniva was meant to be a day of celebration. And not wanting to let anyone down, I put on my new dress made just for the occasion and went out to the party. But I left early and went to the shrine and wept before the altar, clutching that letter, the one that asked me to check in on Tibella from time to time, to ensure the little lady has a woman of warmth and strong character in her life.
If half of what I suspect is true, Marquessa Sunniva Harthall died a hero. Selfless and brave and with love in her heart for the entire Compact. And I am better for having been touched in this life by her.
Written By Medeia
Feb. 27, 2021, 2:28 a.m.(1/8/1015 AR)
Are you there, Lagoma? It's me, Medeia.
No, Scholar, I didn't get confused, and I'm not praying. That will come later. After I let some of these thoughts out of my head so I might consider them more clearly. I was thinking that the winds of change have been blowing through my life quite strongly as of late, and then I started thinking about House Eswynd's words: "The wind cares not." Change, indeed, seems not to care either. It will come whether we are prepared or not - so it seems best to prepare and meet it. Admittedly, I have not been prepared for most of what has come recently.
In the past few weeks, there has been much loss. And as of late, my heart has felt distraught and pulled in many directions. Time spent in prayer and reflection could not ease the feeling. The intensity of my emotions and the impulsivity of my decisions - I can take some comfort in knowing that even my quickly made decisions have been the ones I would have made in more careful consideration - have left me feeling unbalanced. It has probably been long past time for me to reassess my commitments. In just a handful of months, my priorities will shift further. So, I have set myself to the important task of preparing for change. This has come to mean stepping away from certain duties, or finding new ways to serve my people, the city, and the Compact.
The wind will blow, and I will keep my feet.
No, Scholar, I didn't get confused, and I'm not praying. That will come later. After I let some of these thoughts out of my head so I might consider them more clearly. I was thinking that the winds of change have been blowing through my life quite strongly as of late, and then I started thinking about House Eswynd's words: "The wind cares not." Change, indeed, seems not to care either. It will come whether we are prepared or not - so it seems best to prepare and meet it. Admittedly, I have not been prepared for most of what has come recently.
In the past few weeks, there has been much loss. And as of late, my heart has felt distraught and pulled in many directions. Time spent in prayer and reflection could not ease the feeling. The intensity of my emotions and the impulsivity of my decisions - I can take some comfort in knowing that even my quickly made decisions have been the ones I would have made in more careful consideration - have left me feeling unbalanced. It has probably been long past time for me to reassess my commitments. In just a handful of months, my priorities will shift further. So, I have set myself to the important task of preparing for change. This has come to mean stepping away from certain duties, or finding new ways to serve my people, the city, and the Compact.
The wind will blow, and I will keep my feet.
Written By Medeia
Feb. 19, 2021, 12:03 a.m.(12/17/1014 AR)
I finally had the opportunity to recount a story to Archduchess Jaenelle, somewhat unexpectedly within the hall of Eswyndol while sitting on the floor because my cat threatened me when I tried to stand up (she was on my lap - the cat, not the archduchess). Thankfully, I was forgiven as it seems to be universally understood that cats are in charge. And she's been awfully friendly lately (again, the cat, not the archduchess - the archduchess is always lovely).
My husband and Lord Ciro were present for the telling, though Haakon already knew the tale. Surprisingly, and sadly, the story intersects with one of Ciro's. It is a shame how widespread the pain inflicted by certain relatives of mine is. If I could fix all the suffering and damage, I would, even if I bear no responsibility for such. But I hope in sharing the information, perhaps these two people have gained something - even if that is only the knowledge of how my very large scar came to be.
I will tell you, Scholar. Some day.
My husband and Lord Ciro were present for the telling, though Haakon already knew the tale. Surprisingly, and sadly, the story intersects with one of Ciro's. It is a shame how widespread the pain inflicted by certain relatives of mine is. If I could fix all the suffering and damage, I would, even if I bear no responsibility for such. But I hope in sharing the information, perhaps these two people have gained something - even if that is only the knowledge of how my very large scar came to be.
I will tell you, Scholar. Some day.
Written By Medeia
Feb. 15, 2021, 1:20 a.m.(12/9/1014 AR)
Surround yourself with the kind of people who celebrate your joys, remember you like your tea plain, will dance with you when there is no music, will sit beside you on the floor when your emotions become to heavy to stand, can talk about uncomfortable things with honesty and grace, don't make you feel guilty when you call upon a favor, say kind things about you when you're not around, allow you to be yourself. Be the kind of person those people want to be around.
Sometimes I wonder what would happen if I actually called upon every sword that has ever sworn to come when I call. I don't often call upon favors, Scholar. I can't be disappointed by someone not returning a favor when asked if I never ask. A cynical view, perhaps, but it allows them to exist in a better light. And there are things that I tend to leave unsaid. For much the same reason: I can't be hurt by someone's response if I never give them something to respond to. These last few weeks I have been calling upon favors and speaking the things I've been wanting to say. The results have been decidedly mixed.
Do the things that scare you, Scholar. It doesn't always work out for the best, but neither do the things that make you happy. And if you follow the advice at the beginning of this rambling note? Your heart might hurt a little less when things don't go the way you want them to.
Sometimes I wonder what would happen if I actually called upon every sword that has ever sworn to come when I call. I don't often call upon favors, Scholar. I can't be disappointed by someone not returning a favor when asked if I never ask. A cynical view, perhaps, but it allows them to exist in a better light. And there are things that I tend to leave unsaid. For much the same reason: I can't be hurt by someone's response if I never give them something to respond to. These last few weeks I have been calling upon favors and speaking the things I've been wanting to say. The results have been decidedly mixed.
Do the things that scare you, Scholar. It doesn't always work out for the best, but neither do the things that make you happy. And if you follow the advice at the beginning of this rambling note? Your heart might hurt a little less when things don't go the way you want them to.
Written By Medeia
Feb. 13, 2021, 2:33 a.m.(12/5/1014 AR)
The other night we held a feast at Eswyndol and invited people to come to eat and drink and spar in our training field. My husband saw fit to incite a melee with Marquis Oskar, Lady Thea, and Lords Romulius, Ian, and Drake. It was a long and entertaining bout that ended in Lord Ian's victory. I should send him a prize. Maybe a nice bottle of whiskey? After, Lord Yuri and I took our chances against one another. Even with improvement with my trident, I can still barely touch him. He's fast, Scholar! Someday, I will win. That day might be years from now, but I assure you it will happen. Don't look at me like that! Fine, have your doubts. I was glad to have the opportunity to meet a sculptor named Kyden Black that same evening. I made my way out to see her work earlier today and had a piece delivered home. I have no idea where I am going to put it - I just knew I had to have it.
I had the honor of hosting the celebration of Lucita's marriage to Talwyn, also, which was simply beautiful. So many came to congratulate them that I couldn't begin to name them all, but the collection of family and friends was a delight to watch. My attention was largely focused on ensuring everything went smoothly as opposed to socializing, however. I am grateful to the staff at Golden Hart for doing such good work in transforming the Hidden Gardens into an elegant autumn party. Princess Valencia has really made that place something special. It wasn't all work, though! At the end of the night, I was able to finally share a dance with Marquis Dio after so many occasions where we could have but didn't. He is a fine dancer, and I am thankful to him for indulging me.
After the impromptu purchase of statuary, I found myself in the company of Princess Alarissa and little Princess Eleyna at the atrium shrine within the Thrax estate. Fluffy, my cat, took to the girl quickly! She's normally so timid - it was a relief to not have a hissing cat around a child. And an even bigger comfort to have time shared in both the princesses' company. It seems I may have another young student come spring to teach about basic medicines and cosmetics. I can't help but feel hopeful after leaving their sides. Princess Alarissa is the epitome of grace.
I had the honor of hosting the celebration of Lucita's marriage to Talwyn, also, which was simply beautiful. So many came to congratulate them that I couldn't begin to name them all, but the collection of family and friends was a delight to watch. My attention was largely focused on ensuring everything went smoothly as opposed to socializing, however. I am grateful to the staff at Golden Hart for doing such good work in transforming the Hidden Gardens into an elegant autumn party. Princess Valencia has really made that place something special. It wasn't all work, though! At the end of the night, I was able to finally share a dance with Marquis Dio after so many occasions where we could have but didn't. He is a fine dancer, and I am thankful to him for indulging me.
After the impromptu purchase of statuary, I found myself in the company of Princess Alarissa and little Princess Eleyna at the atrium shrine within the Thrax estate. Fluffy, my cat, took to the girl quickly! She's normally so timid - it was a relief to not have a hissing cat around a child. And an even bigger comfort to have time shared in both the princesses' company. It seems I may have another young student come spring to teach about basic medicines and cosmetics. I can't help but feel hopeful after leaving their sides. Princess Alarissa is the epitome of grace.
Written By Medeia
Feb. 8, 2021, 3 a.m.(11/23/1014 AR)
I saved a life today, Scholar.
At least, it seems like I did.
And I spent a good amount of time speaking kindly of others. Sending missives to sing praises. I made an attempt to connect some people. Then I was told my friendship is practically synonymous with fame.
What? Oh, is there still a bit of blood on me? My apologies.
There is a lot on my mind lately, but I can see you're uncomfortable now that you've noticed the blood. I'll leave you be.
At least, it seems like I did.
And I spent a good amount of time speaking kindly of others. Sending missives to sing praises. I made an attempt to connect some people. Then I was told my friendship is practically synonymous with fame.
What? Oh, is there still a bit of blood on me? My apologies.
There is a lot on my mind lately, but I can see you're uncomfortable now that you've noticed the blood. I'll leave you be.
Written By Medeia
Feb. 4, 2021, 2:24 p.m.(11/16/1014 AR)
Lord Orland has questions, and for whatever reason I feel inclined to answer them. Publicly. Yes, Scholar, I know I don't have to do this. And yes, Scholar, I am going to do it anyway.
1. What are you afraid of?
Love. Of loving and not being loved in return, of being loved and not knowing it, of being loved and undeserving of it, of loving someone undeserving of it. Of love betrayed. Of love taken advantage of or wielded like a weapon.
Motherhood. What horrible mistakes am I going to make that will haunt my children forever? How do I keep them safe, while also ensuring they are strong and equipped to face the world? What if something happens and they have to grow up without me?
2. What are your opinions on honor?
Honor isn't unfailing obedience or blind loyalty. It is integrity, consistency, reliability, honesty, generosity, empathy.
What path do you see for yourself?
I've already lived ten years more than I once thought I might. And nearly every plan I once dared to have about my future (like: not coming back to the city, not getting married, not killing some men who were trying to kill me) have all failed spectacularly. The only thing I can say with any certainty is that someday I will die and, barring any horrific circumstances, my soul will return to the Queen of Endings. What happens in between now and then? Maybe conquering those fears and being a person of honor in the process.
4. A piece of advice? I'm not sure people want advice from me. Ironically? Here is what I can offer: Do the things that scare you.
1. What are you afraid of?
Love. Of loving and not being loved in return, of being loved and not knowing it, of being loved and undeserving of it, of loving someone undeserving of it. Of love betrayed. Of love taken advantage of or wielded like a weapon.
Motherhood. What horrible mistakes am I going to make that will haunt my children forever? How do I keep them safe, while also ensuring they are strong and equipped to face the world? What if something happens and they have to grow up without me?
2. What are your opinions on honor?
Honor isn't unfailing obedience or blind loyalty. It is integrity, consistency, reliability, honesty, generosity, empathy.
What path do you see for yourself?
I've already lived ten years more than I once thought I might. And nearly every plan I once dared to have about my future (like: not coming back to the city, not getting married, not killing some men who were trying to kill me) have all failed spectacularly. The only thing I can say with any certainty is that someday I will die and, barring any horrific circumstances, my soul will return to the Queen of Endings. What happens in between now and then? Maybe conquering those fears and being a person of honor in the process.
4. A piece of advice? I'm not sure people want advice from me. Ironically? Here is what I can offer: Do the things that scare you.
Written By Medeia
Feb. 3, 2021, 2:36 a.m.(11/13/1014 AR)
This past week has been tumultuous, painful, exhilarating, successful, devastating, productive.
Thanks to the quick action of the Physicians and Mercies, relief efforts are underway for the holdings affected by the earthquake and storm that ravaged parts of the Mourning Isles and left hundreds upon hundreds dead. Thanks to Lord Orland, Eswynd will have the assistance of Amadeo in scouting the waters and remapping the changed coastlines so that medics and supplies can get to where they need to be (this will also help in the future for any changes that need to be made to trade routes). Eswynd has also provided ships for protection of the ships carrying medics and supplies - an unfortunate reality is that this horrifying disaster will see the desperate become more so. Eswyndol has sustained some damage, though we are uncertain of the full extent at this time. When the time comes, I will add my hands to those doing the work in the field.
In more positive turns of events, I've been happy to assist in recruiting Harlequin Zoey Kennex to the discipleship of the Queen of Endings and Lady Maya Redreef as an apprentice physician to the Physicians Guild. Lady Maya will continue her studies in medicine and apothecary work with me, and I am looking forward to helping her grow in her abilities. She shows considerable promise. (Scholar, Zoey also asked me to be her midwife and, well, of course I said yes. How very exciting!)
Speaking of midwifery... Did I mention Marquessa Norah had her baby? I was pleased to welcome Lady Oksana Eswynd, heir of Marquis Oskar Eswynd, to the family. She's a beauty that takes after her mother.
There was a dance, and some work on the distillery, and planning the wedding celebration for Baroness Lucita and Baron Talwyn Saik (this is still strange to say, though I am happy to know the house is in his capable hands), discussions about projects, a flurry of messengers, meetings, and... When is the last time I ate? I should go eat.
Thanks to the quick action of the Physicians and Mercies, relief efforts are underway for the holdings affected by the earthquake and storm that ravaged parts of the Mourning Isles and left hundreds upon hundreds dead. Thanks to Lord Orland, Eswynd will have the assistance of Amadeo in scouting the waters and remapping the changed coastlines so that medics and supplies can get to where they need to be (this will also help in the future for any changes that need to be made to trade routes). Eswynd has also provided ships for protection of the ships carrying medics and supplies - an unfortunate reality is that this horrifying disaster will see the desperate become more so. Eswyndol has sustained some damage, though we are uncertain of the full extent at this time. When the time comes, I will add my hands to those doing the work in the field.
In more positive turns of events, I've been happy to assist in recruiting Harlequin Zoey Kennex to the discipleship of the Queen of Endings and Lady Maya Redreef as an apprentice physician to the Physicians Guild. Lady Maya will continue her studies in medicine and apothecary work with me, and I am looking forward to helping her grow in her abilities. She shows considerable promise. (Scholar, Zoey also asked me to be her midwife and, well, of course I said yes. How very exciting!)
Speaking of midwifery... Did I mention Marquessa Norah had her baby? I was pleased to welcome Lady Oksana Eswynd, heir of Marquis Oskar Eswynd, to the family. She's a beauty that takes after her mother.
There was a dance, and some work on the distillery, and planning the wedding celebration for Baroness Lucita and Baron Talwyn Saik (this is still strange to say, though I am happy to know the house is in his capable hands), discussions about projects, a flurry of messengers, meetings, and... When is the last time I ate? I should go eat.
Written By Medeia
Jan. 28, 2021, 12:11 a.m.(11/1/1014 AR)
This is going to make me sound... Unhinged. This is quite possibly the best my life has ever been. I have wonderful people in my life. There are exciting things in the works.
Yet, I feel intensely lonely. I miss Nel terribly. I found myself crossing the city and slipping into her room and just sitting on the edge of the bed, like I would when we would catch up at the end of the day sometimes. I can write to her, but that isn't the same as sitting beside her passing a bottle of whiskey back and forth, watching her distractedly unbraid and rebraid her hair.
I swear, Scholar, I don't make a habit of hiding away in other people's unoccupied rooms. There's just so much I want to tell her in person instead of in a letter.
Yet, I feel intensely lonely. I miss Nel terribly. I found myself crossing the city and slipping into her room and just sitting on the edge of the bed, like I would when we would catch up at the end of the day sometimes. I can write to her, but that isn't the same as sitting beside her passing a bottle of whiskey back and forth, watching her distractedly unbraid and rebraid her hair.
I swear, Scholar, I don't make a habit of hiding away in other people's unoccupied rooms. There's just so much I want to tell her in person instead of in a letter.
Written By Medeia
Jan. 26, 2021, 12:51 a.m.(10/25/1014 AR)
This has been a most incredible several days and I have so many people to be grateful for. I can scarcely believe it all, but I am going to do my best not to leave out any important details or people.
Some time back, Mother Bianca had reached out to me about hosting some events for the Faith. I, of course, agreed and began planning right away. Though plans changed slightly, I did have the grand fortune of being able to host the Good Harvest celebration with Mistress Caprice Artiglio. Her assistance was vital to making the day excellent. It was a true pleasure to have Sir Brannen Harthall lead the prayer to Lagoma, Brother Felix Meadson lead the prayer to Petrichor, and Lord Haakon Eswynd (Yes, my husband. No Scholar, don't look at me like that, I wouldn't lie while doing my Vellichorian duty! And no, I didn't threaten him either. His prayer is in the archives.) lead the prayer to Mangata. The rest of the event was wonderful, for reasons I won't disclose. Just know that I am very happy.
For the Days of Libation, Caprice and I each took a day - I got the first, she got the second. For my festivities, I held two contests of different types of fishing. There were a few mishaps, but I am glad to say no one got eaten by the shark that came to visit the beach. The winner of the first was a very tall bard named Braxas, who won a fisherman's knife made from cupridium with a gorgeous mother of pearl inlaid handle. The winner of the second was Sir Merek, who won a harpoon - also crafted from cupridium. It should be noted that my husband was a boon to me in determining the prizes and sketching designs, and Brother Felix turned those sketches into impressive pieces of weaponry. Also, though I have mentioned this already, the Libation of the Year was announced: Harlequin's Bliss Golden Rum from Lord Ciro Seraceni's Lost and Found distillery in Ischia. The second day was expertly hosted by Caprice with the announcement of the hangover cure contest winner - another proud moment for me hearing Tanith Grayhope's name announced, there - and a contest of boasts, roasts, and toasts. Not having host duties, I attempted to participate in that, but perhaps having had Fluffy with me (my large cat, she likes to be held even though she is half my size) may have impeded my cleverness. Count Duarte Amadeo certainly made me blush! The winners were Princess Katarina Valardin and Archduchess Jaenelle Velenosa - they are fantastic and witty women.
None of these events could have happened without the support of Mother Bianca and Blessed Brigida, nor the scores of Godsworn who set up tables and contests, ensured food and drink stayed in supply for the feasting, and cleaned up after. Many, many hands went into making the celebrations a success. Oh, and not least, gratitude is given also to House Valardin and House Eswynd for their partnership with the Faith to cover the costs associated with such grand events. Their generosity stands as an example to us all.
Scholar, I'm not finished. Yes, I realize this is very long. The wind cares not. And neither do I.
In the midst of all these other celebrations, House Eswynd held the Coral Ball in honor of Mangata as our own way of celebrating the change of seasons and the rich bounty she gives us. This party was the brilliant idea of Marquessa Norah Eswynd - and she looked beautiful in the blue seasilk gown draped with white deeplight coral she wore. We had so many dazzling guests that I could not hope to name them all. However, I must admit: Lord Yuri Tessere was once again the epitome of kindness and patience. I was, perhaps, a bit too eager to dance after my knee injury. Thankfully, he kept me from decorating the floor like a rug. Or re-injuring myself. There was an auction that night for the necklace I've talked about here before, the one made by Master Ripley from deeplight coral and pearls. Lady Kaia Malvici was so taken with it that Lord Martino Malvici made sure his darling wife got what she wanted by placing the winning bid. I can't wait to see her wearing it! She's such a beauty that she'll make the coral sparkle even more.
There is so much more in the works. And war draws ever closer. I am certain of our victory with the gods on our side and all of the preparations that have been done. Still? I know that the medics will have a difficult task ahead of them as our sailors and warriors take the fight to the Skal'dajan fleet. And now, Scholar? I'll leave you be.
Some time back, Mother Bianca had reached out to me about hosting some events for the Faith. I, of course, agreed and began planning right away. Though plans changed slightly, I did have the grand fortune of being able to host the Good Harvest celebration with Mistress Caprice Artiglio. Her assistance was vital to making the day excellent. It was a true pleasure to have Sir Brannen Harthall lead the prayer to Lagoma, Brother Felix Meadson lead the prayer to Petrichor, and Lord Haakon Eswynd (Yes, my husband. No Scholar, don't look at me like that, I wouldn't lie while doing my Vellichorian duty! And no, I didn't threaten him either. His prayer is in the archives.) lead the prayer to Mangata. The rest of the event was wonderful, for reasons I won't disclose. Just know that I am very happy.
For the Days of Libation, Caprice and I each took a day - I got the first, she got the second. For my festivities, I held two contests of different types of fishing. There were a few mishaps, but I am glad to say no one got eaten by the shark that came to visit the beach. The winner of the first was a very tall bard named Braxas, who won a fisherman's knife made from cupridium with a gorgeous mother of pearl inlaid handle. The winner of the second was Sir Merek, who won a harpoon - also crafted from cupridium. It should be noted that my husband was a boon to me in determining the prizes and sketching designs, and Brother Felix turned those sketches into impressive pieces of weaponry. Also, though I have mentioned this already, the Libation of the Year was announced: Harlequin's Bliss Golden Rum from Lord Ciro Seraceni's Lost and Found distillery in Ischia. The second day was expertly hosted by Caprice with the announcement of the hangover cure contest winner - another proud moment for me hearing Tanith Grayhope's name announced, there - and a contest of boasts, roasts, and toasts. Not having host duties, I attempted to participate in that, but perhaps having had Fluffy with me (my large cat, she likes to be held even though she is half my size) may have impeded my cleverness. Count Duarte Amadeo certainly made me blush! The winners were Princess Katarina Valardin and Archduchess Jaenelle Velenosa - they are fantastic and witty women.
None of these events could have happened without the support of Mother Bianca and Blessed Brigida, nor the scores of Godsworn who set up tables and contests, ensured food and drink stayed in supply for the feasting, and cleaned up after. Many, many hands went into making the celebrations a success. Oh, and not least, gratitude is given also to House Valardin and House Eswynd for their partnership with the Faith to cover the costs associated with such grand events. Their generosity stands as an example to us all.
Scholar, I'm not finished. Yes, I realize this is very long. The wind cares not. And neither do I.
In the midst of all these other celebrations, House Eswynd held the Coral Ball in honor of Mangata as our own way of celebrating the change of seasons and the rich bounty she gives us. This party was the brilliant idea of Marquessa Norah Eswynd - and she looked beautiful in the blue seasilk gown draped with white deeplight coral she wore. We had so many dazzling guests that I could not hope to name them all. However, I must admit: Lord Yuri Tessere was once again the epitome of kindness and patience. I was, perhaps, a bit too eager to dance after my knee injury. Thankfully, he kept me from decorating the floor like a rug. Or re-injuring myself. There was an auction that night for the necklace I've talked about here before, the one made by Master Ripley from deeplight coral and pearls. Lady Kaia Malvici was so taken with it that Lord Martino Malvici made sure his darling wife got what she wanted by placing the winning bid. I can't wait to see her wearing it! She's such a beauty that she'll make the coral sparkle even more.
There is so much more in the works. And war draws ever closer. I am certain of our victory with the gods on our side and all of the preparations that have been done. Still? I know that the medics will have a difficult task ahead of them as our sailors and warriors take the fight to the Skal'dajan fleet. And now, Scholar? I'll leave you be.
Written By Medeia
Jan. 24, 2021, 5:29 p.m.(10/22/1014 AR)
Relationship Note on Ciro
Today I had the great privilege of seeing Lord Ciro Seraceni's entry for consideration of the Libation of the Year earn that title. If any should doubt that the man has great skill with rum, doubt no longer - for he has Mangata's favor. Congratulations, my friend. This must bode well for the distillery.
Written By Medeia
Jan. 23, 2021, 3:22 a.m.(10/19/1014 AR)
Relationship Note on Ripley
I have laid eyes upon the necklace Master Ripley designed and painstakingly crafted for the auction at the Coral Ball. It is simply divine. It glitters like all the stars in the sky thanks to the dazzling effect of deeplight coral. And it can go with nearly any outfit! Beautiful links of black and white - with one rare pink-hued piece front-and-center. And pearls! The man is a genius. I never would have imagined this necklace even if I'd spent five years thinking on it.
Whoever wins the auction is going to be incredibly lucky. I'm even a bit jealous!
Whoever wins the auction is going to be incredibly lucky. I'm even a bit jealous!
Written By Medeia
Jan. 22, 2021, 8:32 a.m.(10/18/1014 AR)
The unknown is uncomfortable.
Even a terrible thing like war can become comfortable when it is all someone has known. If surviving has been the primary focus of someone's years, living can be uncomfortable.
To one who has subsisted on scraps, a proper meal can seem lavish. Abundance becomes obscene to those who have only known lean times.
Tradition is comfortable. And, Lagoma forgive me, change is not. Because even change for the better is an unknown for many. And how do we know if a change is for the better? It takes time and faith that some may not have, or feel they have. And some change for the better is harder before it gets easier.
A person needs to feel they are of value, set to some purpose. So they spend their years training - hopefully in areas both of interest and use, but one does not always have the luxury of pursuing interest. If change comes that takes away their perceived usefulness, that demands they now train in new areas, some may be resentful of being made to feel they no longer have value, or of having to take the role of a novice after being expert.
When we employ diplomacy, we need send diplomats who understand this and the person or people being negotiated with. You cannot offer peace to the warmonger - they do not know peace. They do not have a talent for it. Peace is a change that is difficult to see is for the better because peace requires hard work and time invested in learning how to live in peace.
And when a decision is made based on survival? The benefit must eventually increase. Surviving needs to become living. Tolerance needs to become acceptance. Change is not just for the ones we negotiate with. It is for all of us.
Even a terrible thing like war can become comfortable when it is all someone has known. If surviving has been the primary focus of someone's years, living can be uncomfortable.
To one who has subsisted on scraps, a proper meal can seem lavish. Abundance becomes obscene to those who have only known lean times.
Tradition is comfortable. And, Lagoma forgive me, change is not. Because even change for the better is an unknown for many. And how do we know if a change is for the better? It takes time and faith that some may not have, or feel they have. And some change for the better is harder before it gets easier.
A person needs to feel they are of value, set to some purpose. So they spend their years training - hopefully in areas both of interest and use, but one does not always have the luxury of pursuing interest. If change comes that takes away their perceived usefulness, that demands they now train in new areas, some may be resentful of being made to feel they no longer have value, or of having to take the role of a novice after being expert.
When we employ diplomacy, we need send diplomats who understand this and the person or people being negotiated with. You cannot offer peace to the warmonger - they do not know peace. They do not have a talent for it. Peace is a change that is difficult to see is for the better because peace requires hard work and time invested in learning how to live in peace.
And when a decision is made based on survival? The benefit must eventually increase. Surviving needs to become living. Tolerance needs to become acceptance. Change is not just for the ones we negotiate with. It is for all of us.
Written By Medeia
Jan. 20, 2021, 12:56 a.m.(10/13/1014 AR)
The bandages bracing my knee and wrist come off in the next day or so, and I'll be glad for being able to maneuver stairs properly again. Also, for being able to get out of the house (the one visit I made across the square required a carriage; absurd, but true). Ironic that doing the things that needed to be done is what now prevents me from doing the things that need to be done. I have meetings to hold, plans to set in motion, events to host!
This time cooped up has given me too much time to think about my parents. I usually tend to forget they exist most days, until something will remind me and I'll have a pang of sadness or jealousy or anger. And then I start to worry about me as a parent. I love children; I'm excellent with babies, and plenty of people have voiced their belief I'd be a good mother. I know I can care for them. But caring for and parenting are very different things. Aren't they? Can one be a good parent and not care for their children, or care for their children and be a terrible parent? It makes me wonder if my mother and father still care. I've been encouraged, twice or more times now, to write that letter to my mother so I don't come to regret not doing it. I don't even know if I expect a response.
Gods. I pray when I have children that I never make them question that they are loved, never make them feel cast out, never choose someone who hurt them over them. Sometimes I think uncle Razi had the right idea becoming Godsworn, not having to worry about marriage and children. But, I also remember a time not too long ago when I was afraid marriage would be the worst fate and turned up my nose - so far, I was blessedly wrong. Perhaps my fear of being a terrible mother will prove baseless, too.
I really need to get out of the house.
This time cooped up has given me too much time to think about my parents. I usually tend to forget they exist most days, until something will remind me and I'll have a pang of sadness or jealousy or anger. And then I start to worry about me as a parent. I love children; I'm excellent with babies, and plenty of people have voiced their belief I'd be a good mother. I know I can care for them. But caring for and parenting are very different things. Aren't they? Can one be a good parent and not care for their children, or care for their children and be a terrible parent? It makes me wonder if my mother and father still care. I've been encouraged, twice or more times now, to write that letter to my mother so I don't come to regret not doing it. I don't even know if I expect a response.
Gods. I pray when I have children that I never make them question that they are loved, never make them feel cast out, never choose someone who hurt them over them. Sometimes I think uncle Razi had the right idea becoming Godsworn, not having to worry about marriage and children. But, I also remember a time not too long ago when I was afraid marriage would be the worst fate and turned up my nose - so far, I was blessedly wrong. Perhaps my fear of being a terrible mother will prove baseless, too.
I really need to get out of the house.
Written By Medeia
Jan. 18, 2021, 12:01 a.m.(10/9/1014 AR)
The scouting in the southern Mourning Sea was productive. While the others fought and sailed, I shouted encouragement to my companions to bolster morale and discouragement to our foes to cause them to falter. And falter they did. After, I tended wounds as we returned to the city in possession of beneficial information.
And yes, my husband's words are true.
And yes, my husband's words are true.
Written By Medeia
Jan. 15, 2021, 10:10 p.m.(10/5/1014 AR)
I've been trying to write a letter to my mother, in the wake of the events of recent days, and the word of what is to come, I thought I might try and reconnect with her. My father? I think there is no reconciliation there. And it is perhaps a futile exercise - as the pile of crumpled parchment on my desk may attest. What do you say to the people who raised you to be expendable to the family and then pretend you don't exist after making a difficult choice to protect them? How does someone look their child in the eye and tell them they betrayed their family, when their family betrayed the child first? And then pass that child in the village for five years and act as if the child is invisible? Do they know I married? Surely the announcement reached them. Possibly from Lucita or Neilda or Arcelia. Do they care I finally fulfilled the goal they set for me, to be wed off to secure an ally for the house?
When I say it like that, it sounds dreadful. None of this is to say that I am unhappy. I am consistently happier than I ever thought I could be. But I always thought I'd have my mother's guidance through courtship. Her opinion on the dress and decor for the wedding. That, when the day comes to navigate having my own children, she would be there with advice and a helping hand. I couldn't even turn to her to support one another through the sorrow of the loss of her brother. I am not lonely, but I am certainly feeling the loss of a woman who is yet breathing and well. And, in the most ironic twist of the story, the very family my parents shun me for betraying has been replaced - and that house has shown me more kindness in the last year than my own parents have shown me in the last decade.
I can't bring myself to write the letter. Perhaps, in the event that I die in the coming war, someone can send her a copy of this journal instead. Maybe that person could tell her that in the days leading up to my death I missed her, but that I wasn't sorry for anything I had done. That my husband and new family had been good to me and accepted me fully, but that nothing and no one had ever replaced her.
And now? I write my will.
When I say it like that, it sounds dreadful. None of this is to say that I am unhappy. I am consistently happier than I ever thought I could be. But I always thought I'd have my mother's guidance through courtship. Her opinion on the dress and decor for the wedding. That, when the day comes to navigate having my own children, she would be there with advice and a helping hand. I couldn't even turn to her to support one another through the sorrow of the loss of her brother. I am not lonely, but I am certainly feeling the loss of a woman who is yet breathing and well. And, in the most ironic twist of the story, the very family my parents shun me for betraying has been replaced - and that house has shown me more kindness in the last year than my own parents have shown me in the last decade.
I can't bring myself to write the letter. Perhaps, in the event that I die in the coming war, someone can send her a copy of this journal instead. Maybe that person could tell her that in the days leading up to my death I missed her, but that I wasn't sorry for anything I had done. That my husband and new family had been good to me and accepted me fully, but that nothing and no one had ever replaced her.
And now? I write my will.
Please note that the scholars may take some time preparing your journal for others to read.