Arx, After the Reckoning

It is easy to feel powerless. It is easy to feel that our enemies have all of the weapons.

But we consigned an Abyssal enemy to Lagoma's fire tonight. We are not powerless.

Officiated my first wedding! Only threw up before the service, in private and behind closed doors, and didn't get anything on my robes. Also didn't forget any words, so overall a success. Let's not even mention that a certain someone had to idly threaten to write the Dominus and Father Orazio to inform them I was incapable of performing the ceremony. What a cruel motivator. Who would even do that? (You know who you are.)

Marquessa and now-Marquis Rymarr were ridiculously giddy about the whole thing, so that gets added to the success column.

I look a little silly in robes. Still not used to that bit.

I don't have a lot of pride. I have vanities and I have confidence, sure, but I grew up without much sense of Pride-with-a-capital-P, much to my father's chagrin. I'm a common-born Oathlander, and while my family has a long history of service and a tendency towards Pride, I always felt a bad fit in those confines. I didn't hear the siren call of duty and responsibility there. Sure, if you want to come up to my face and insult my brother or something like that, I'll probably react, but that's always been personal. Loyalty to my family members, not so much the family name.

So maybe I can't quite grasp what brings the nobility to react first and foremost to a perceived insult than to an atrocity. Maybe I can't appreciate the immense responsibility that weighs on the shoulders of so many house leaders.

But I do appreciate tens of thousands slaughtered in as deliberately inhumane a manner as possible, many of them children and the elderly, many of them barely passingly affiliated with the Gyre. And I appreciate the fact that the man responsible was not a rogue pirate to be shuffled aside as someone else's responsibility, but a prince of House Thrax given the authority of military leadership. Given command of their entire fleet. His actions are the responsibility of House Thrax and reflect upon its members whether they want it to or not.

There's an easy way for House Thrax and all of its vassals to separate themselves from the actions of Prince Abbas: condemn him. Publicly stand against his actions. If you think that your pride is more important than the lives of tens of thousands of people, you are wrong. If you think that your pride is more important than the tenets of honorable combat given to us by Gloria, you are both wrong and heretical. If you cannot stand being splashed with the blood spilled by one of your own leaders, then get rid of him. Condemn him. I assure you that the Compact is desperate to believe you stand with those horrified by all of this. Give any sign at all that you can think of the lives of tens of thousands flayed and crucified or killed by the deliberate spread of disease before you can think of your pride and your reputation. The sanctity of honor and human lives are worth more than both.

Help the rest of us believe that you stand against butchery and atrocity by excising it from your own ranks. Please.

The last time I wrote about Father Orazio in my white reflections, I had only just met him. Half a year ago now. "Pretty funny for a priest," I called him.

Well. Now /I'm/ a priest. (And /very/ funny for one, most definitely.)

It's hard to find the right words to fully encapsulate everything Orazio's done for me since I met him. I'll try these: I wouldn't be a Godsworn priest now if it weren't for him. I wouldn't have listened to the calling. I wouldn't have found the courage. (Leap into battle? Easy. Recite vows in front of a crowd? Terrifying, even when the crowd is full of loved ones and well-wishers.) I think he believed that I could make a life in the Faith long before I did, but he never pushed it or forced it onto me; he only let me know that he believed I was capable of more than I thought I was. It's not that the standards were low enough to reach -- hah hah, let me tell you something about Orazio's standards -- but that he simply stated quite clearly where they were, that I was capable of hauling myself up if I chose to, and then he waited. He's very patient, you know. He can sit there and stare at you with that /look/. In my case, he was patient for months.

I'd like to think that it was worth it for him. Being patient. Because I can still remember the look on his face when I told him I wanted to take my vows. And why. I think the why was the most important. The heart of the matter. After all, I wasn't exactly the most /anticipated/ convert.

I tell people a lot that Orazio is funnier than anyone realizes, and it's true. He's funny. And he's been there for me every time I've needed him, even if what I needed was him telling me to do better.

He's my best friend. May the gods bless everyone with such a friend and mentor.

I do hope that Officer Calaudrin and Master Magpie ask me to officiate their impending nuptials.

Guys. /Guys/.

Do not break the Wheel. That is literally what Brand wants to do. Breaking the Wheel is an End of the World scenario.

Please do not help them end the world.

Okay. Fine.

/Some people/ keep talking about this idea that I /cursed at Legate Orazio/ during my own anointing to become Godsworn. Which -- okay, that's /technically correct/, but it's a gross oversimplification of the matter. The truth is that my very dear and close friend thought it was a wonderful idea to introduce brand new vows for the Lost Gods recently returned to the Pantheon during my anointing. What a great idea! Obviously we need new vows for them to include in the ceremony.

Of course, what my very kind and good-hearted friend failed to do was warn me ahead of time.

So when I said "Fuck you" to Legate Orazio, I didn't really /mean/ it. Like that. What I really meant was more along the lines of "Holy gods I can't believe you are making me come up with this on the spot."

But, you know. They sound -- just about the same. Right?

And I did manage to finish, anyways. So now the Faith is stuck with me, cursing in the Cathedral and all.

If you ever want to see Holden Morgan cry, just give him a puppy.

The Dominus instructed me to spend a day in each of the shrines. For most of my life, I haven't exactly been the most -- attentive, I guess. Devout. Probably not too surprising to hear for anyone who knows me, which I guess is going to be the people reading this. But I didn't really -- get it. Until this past year. I didn't get so much what the gods had to /really/ do with my life.

So every day I spent in a shrine, that's what I thought about. I sat and I wrote down the thoughts and memories of where each of the gods has appeared in my life. And this is what I came up with.

Vellichor

Surprise! I was never a very good student growing up. I didn't have the patience for sitting still and reading books, so it's been as much a surprise to me as anyone else that I've actually started /reading/ things in the past year.

But I can still remember getting that feeling for the first time when someone came to me with a question -- "Aleksei, I need help, do you know anything about this" -- and I had...an answer? I'm now someone who knows things that can /help/ sometimes, and that -- makes a big difference. I wouldn't have gotten to where I have if I hadn't had people who knew answers themselves, that /I/ went to for help and who freely offered up whatever information they could to get me closer to where I needed to be.

So thanks for that.

Gloria

Gloria has been the first guess of a few different people in terms of which god in particular might have drawn me to the Faith. I guess I can't blame them for that: I've clearly made a living for most of my life as a swordsman, and I don't think anyone would mistake me for someone drawn to Sentinel, despite duels falling under its purview. And I've certainly always been a fan of Gloria, because who wouldn't be? Or -- what professional fighter wouldn't be, I guess. I do fight fair. I know that maybe I haven't always seemed the most honor-bound sort of guy, but I don't fight dishonorably. And that, at least, has always been true.

Jayus

This one took a little thinking. I'm not a craftsman -- obviously -- but there's so much more to dig through with him. Stories -- that I get. Inspiration. Dreams. It's funny, because I think that dreams are a little sacred to Skald, too, just -- in a different way. The stories you receive while you sleep versus -- your aspirations. Where you want your choices to take you. But this is my Jayus portion! So it ought to be about Jayus.

I love stories. I love stories that are so true they sound made up, and stories that are made up so well they sound true. And while I'm not a craftsman, I've fallen in love with swords before. On -- multiple occasions. Have you ever held a /perfect sword/? It's one of the best feelings in the world. That something could fit so perfectly in your hand that it feels like part of yourself.

Mangata

When I was growing up in Sanctum as a kid, there was this one bit of cliff next to the ocean. My father would always tell me to steer clear of it, that a kid he knew when /he/ was growing up tried cliff-jumping from it and died. Hit the rocks, drowned. He forbid from trying any shenanigans around it.

So of course I went there. I didn't die, although I did break my arm. But I can still remember that crack when I hit the water, the smell of the salt when I plunged in. I mean, sure, it hurt like the Abyss and I was probably screaming, but that drop through the air and the embrace of the sea -- it was worth it.

Terrible at boats, though. I just vomit up my guts the whole time.

Petrichor

I left home -- Sanctum -- when I was sixteen. I was eager for it. In the years that followed, before I finally made it to Arx on a more or less permanent basis, I made my way up and down Arvum doing whatever work with a sword I could find. I slept under the stars far more nights than I slept with a roof over my head. I got to go up north where my mom and her family is from. Went as far as I could in every direction. Saw every inch of Arvum that I could see.

Sometimes people have asked which bit I liked best, and I have a different answer every time. The real answer is: all of it. Because every inch of it is perfect and exactly what it ought to be.

Lagoma

For a long time, I thought I was already sort of living a Lagoma-approved life. After all, I didn't ever like doing the same thing more than once. I was always looking for something new, which seemed to me to be some sort of change. Keep moving. It's easy to mistake constant motion for change.

It's not really the same, though. Because constantly moving forward can be the same thing over and over. Trying to find something new every day can be a sort of stasis. Life is funny that way. I spent a long time doing the same thing in the guise of doing different things.

But there's no point in trying to tell any other story except for this one: all my life I've been a swordsman. Soon I'm going to be a gods-honest priest.

Never would've fucking guessed it.

Limerance

Limerance is the Patron God of the Morgan family. Anyone who's met my brother in the city likely's gotten a bit of a taste of that, but growing up with all that weight and expectation when all you want to do is escape for adventure is...well. It's a bit /stifling/, to say the least. I always figured that Limerance was probably disappointed with me, what with how I ran off instead of staying in Sanctum and serving the Valardins like every other Morgan in history. I was allergic to responsibility! You couldn't make me take any oaths! Et cetera, et cetera.

Except someday said something to me recently. They said that there's a responsibility in not taking oaths you don't believe in. That it's far worse to take an oath or make a pledge you're not truly ready for. I have to admit, it's at least a little vindicating to think that maybe my years of wild irresponsibility were somehow -- more responsible than the alternative. It's probably not /completely/ true, but it's a nice perspective to consider.

The truth is this: I never wanted to swear an oath I didn't really want to keep. I guess I could say I was saving it for something important. The gods seem pretty important.

Sentinel

I have a lot of complicated feelings about the Sentinel. I've never really been a /bad/ guy, just -- someone who tends to end up in trouble. Accidentally! Mostly accidentally. I mean, I don't go out of my /way/ or anything. (Sometimes I guess I go out of my way. If it seems like particularly fun trouble.) I'm sure that Legate Orazio will read this and make all sort of brow-furrowed, disapproving faces about it. But the truth is: I have a hard time with pure truth and justice. Always seems like there's so little room for nuance. Or subtleties. Or -- mercy, I guess. There's something so harsh about just putting everything on the scales and seeing where the weight falls. I like to think that life is more complicated than that. That people are more complicated than that. That even when we make terrible mistakes, there are ways to move forward with better ones.

But I guess that's just the thing. If you're going to have Lagoma advocating for change -- like a person trying to change for the better after making missteps -- and you have Skald advocating for choice, then I guess you really do have to have someone weighing it all. The point of the Sentinel isn't to temper itself. I've had a lot of conversations in the past couple months about the purity of the gods. Not necessarily a purity of goodness, just a purity of -- concept. They are exactly what they are, and they can't be anything else. Humans? We're all messy and complicated, and we've got a bit of everything going on. So in our lives, we can try looking at the black and white truth, and maybe we also look at things like how a person has changed or why they made the choices they did. But I guess that means you have to have something encapsulating truth and justice in its most pure form.

I'll be totally honest: part of me recoils from it. It all seems harsher than I'd want in my own life, so I have -- trouble with it. But maybe that's the point. Sentinel's not always comfortable. But it's always fair. It's always -- reliable. You can always count on Sentinel to be exactly what it is. True. Just. And I know that, for some people, there's a comfort in that.

Gild

A lot of people have asked me over the years how I won my knighthood. I always tend to gloss over it a bit, because the title's never quite sat right. Always a bit uncomfortable. But honestly, when I think of it now, I think of Gild.

I was on the road in the Oathlands. Stopping off to water my horse when I heard the yells. I swear to gods, it's like I almost tripped over them. The older of the kids couldn't have even been more than eight, but she still stood in front of her little brother with that stick like it was going to do anything about those adults with actual swords who had clearly been hunting them down. I didn't really think about it, you know? They were just people trying to kill kids, so I stopped them. It wasn't supposed to be a big deal. The /only/ reason it was a big deal -- bigger than some heartfelt thank yous, at least -- is because they turned out to be noble. And then suddenly I had a title shoved at me that I didn't quite want and a lot of expectations that I /really/ didn't want.

Which I guess has a lot to do with Limerance, but when I think back on it now, I keep thinking of Gild. I think about that day traveling on the road and nearly tripping over these kids who had been traveling on their own road. Whose retinue had gotten attacked and scattered. I think about moments in life where you have choices like that in front of you. I know that I had different choices I could have made. But at the time, I remember only feeling like I had the one. What else could I do?

Skald

I'm sure I could talk more about Skald than any other god. I'll try to simplify it.

All my life, I felt like something was missing from the Pantheon. I felt a calling to a sort of freedom and wanderlust that my family didn't really understand. After all, it wasn't something we really learned about, was it? No God of Freedom lying around the Pantheon.

Well. Now we have one.

Death

The thing about Death is that she's not only about death. She's the Queen of Endings, sure, but also of Beginnings. She's about the cycle of it all. The story of each life.

I know a lot of people who have met the Nox'alfar don't understand how they can be so careless with their lives and the lives of others. But the thing is: their patron god is Death. When they die, they are simply reborn. If death is little more than falling asleep and waking up again, why should they fear? They understand her cycle in a way that we've lost.

Really, she's almost not about death at all. She's about souls. Everyone dies, of course, and I don't think she has much to do with that. But she's there to pick up our soul when it happens. Take it to wherever it needs to go. And I don't know about you all, but I find that something of a comfort.

Aion

It's hard to know what to say about Aion. Of the three lost gods, we know the least about them. (And it is "them." "Them" and "they" and "their.") The creator. The Dreamer. The one who took the primum and gave it form and shape. Made a world and gave it gods.

I'm not a creator. Well, nobody's /that/ kind of creator. But -- then again. Then again. I guess right now, I really am trying to create something. Not from nothing, not -- like that. But something new. Something that maybe existed a long time ago, but who knows in what form. It doesn't matter. We get to make it anew now.

Tehom

And the Thirteenth. Aion's counter, I guess. For every creation, a reflection.

Listen: I grew up in the Oathlands. I know firsthand the sort of aversion that Tehom inspires from people. I didn't exactly go seek him out just to be contrary -- which I did with a lot of things the Oathlands didn't agree with. But it's enough to get a guy curious.

There's still a lot of questions there, but I'll say this much: I heard a bit about the recent Invocation of Strength. People offering up their personal Darkness. Acknowledge, accept, master.

I've never been very good at mastering my impulses. A very good friend -- perhaps my best friend -- said to me once that I was good, honorable, compassionate -- and also reckless, overenthusiastic, and very afraid. But that the only thing he'd change about me was the fear. That men without fear are typically heartless or foolish. That the trick was to embrace and acknowledge the fear, but not let it rule me. I didn't want to listen at the time. I'm a professional warrior, after all; it's not in our nature to admit to fear. But the truth is that it's never been dying that I'm afraid of to begin with. Failure? Disappointment? I guess so.

So in a few weeks, I give my vows. I give the Faith my fear, along with all the rest of it. The gods sure know I'll be feeling it when I have to get up in front of a bunch of people and remember the order of all those words.

I've never been so productive in my life than I have been this month.

Oh man! Somebody told me they found someone talking shit about me in a white journal, which is always the BEST. I had to go dig around to find it, but once I did it was like an early birthday present. Or a late one. I think late, because it's not the new year yet. So yeah. Late present! It was delightful. I loved it. I'll treasure it always.

My oldest brother is a stuck-up, Oathlander bore who doesn't say /anything/.

And he'll have to catch me first.

The Champions Fete was, as far as I could tell, a pretty big success. I didn't necessarily expect to win in the duel, but I didn't expect /not/ to win. Really, Luca and I are both so good that we never can tell who's going to get the edge when we go at. I think I can safely say we both got a real workout, which isn't always the case when we're dueling other people. Uh. No offense to other people!

I had an evening with me purchased by the very upstanding Duke Cassius Pravus, who was definitely tricked and then pressured into bidding. But it's for a good cause! I'm sure he'll think of a valuable way to spend my time and expertise.

Lemme tell you all something.

Luca? Fucking badass with a sword. I haven't had that amazing a fight in years.

So let's make one thing clear:

If anybody decides to challenge Orazio, it's not going to be a former soldier of almost fifty years you'll be facing.

But don't let that discourage you.

Ahahahahahaha I totally banged an elf holy shit.

I'm pretty sure that the best damn idea to come out of that Commoner Court was that the High Council should hold a tournament for those alaricite weapons. No fancy armor! Just skill. Come on, guys. I'll fight monsters!

He's pretty funny for a priest!

Horatio was a little shit. He was rude as all hells. He liked /spiders/.

But I'm sorry he's dead. I should've kept him safer. Don't these silks have anything better to do than flip through commoner journals and write about how they should handle their feelings? None of us started commenting about getting over that duke guy. Gods.

People are writing about /what/? Are you kidding me? All the silks in Arx went through their public mourning game when one of their own died, and they want to sit around and complain about the commoners doing it? Come the fuck on. Go back to rolling around in your piles of money and get over yourselves.